5A Gold, Strap-on Beard (Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance" Video)
Forget the stupid shit Lada Gaga wears day to day. An unnamed dude in the background of the "Bad Romance" video (one of the guys participating in the Rape Auction about two minutes in) is wearing something that should have been become standard wear about, oh, 5,000 years ago:
Holy shit, that video has been watched 300 million times. And you know why? Because there is a guy in it with a golden strap-on beard.
This has all the makings of a generation-defining fashion, and has had more than enough time to surface in the public. Look at it. It has all the flash and shininess of jewelry with the girth and manliness of a beard. If you were a salesman pitching that product to our office staff, we could stop you right there and you would have sold a minimum of all of them.
But there's so much more. It's strap-on. At the end of the night, you could take it off (like we ever would) and soak it in gold beard cleaner. You can't do that with an ordinary beard. Have you ever been to a restaurant and noticed that the silverware was a little dirty? Those cheek guards easily double as soup spoons. Planning on starting a bar fight? Not only will the gold beard guarantee that you'll be in one, but it'll serve as impenetrable protection against any cheek and jaw shots.
What Caught On Instead:
Grills. Mouths full of gold teeth.
We're blaming this one on Nelly. Though it's been around for a while, he's the one who brought them into the mainstream and caused thousands of high school kids to look like mentally challenged UFC mascots. Yes, they're gold, and yes, they're removable, which on paper should be a plus. But look at them.
On the off chance that a woman gets bullied into going out with you, she has to either watch you awkwardly remove them and set them aside before dinner, saliva glistening off of your dashboard in the light of a drive-thru window... or witness half of your Big Mac clinging to them like crushed up cereal pieces on a Swiffer Vac pad.
Devo has been a band for 37 years, but the lead singer could knock on my front door right now and I wouldn't know him. Unless he was wearing that hat.
It's distinctive. And practical. Walking through a construction site? No problem. Need a jello mold? Just turn it over. Building a sand castle? Shaping a cake? Protecting yourself from the rain? Transplanting a geranium? These hats have you covered.
They're called "Energy Domes," and they were actually created by the band. The only thing that could make this hat more perfect is if when taking it off, your hair retained that shape. Shame on the public for not accepting these beautiful creations into their lives. Especially when you consider...
What Caught On Instead:
Bret Michaels' taco-shaped cowboy hat.
Only Bret Michaels could take something as annoying as a redneck cowboy hat and make it even more ridiculous. Sadly, that fashion trend swept through Hollywood...
That hat just spontaneously appeared there when Brett stood next to her.
...faster than a case of celebrity-spread chlamydia. Only more painful and a lot less attractive than the genital discharge. No one looks good in a cowboy hat except a cowboy. And they don't exist. Hell, in the catalogs where they sell the things, even the models look like douchebags in them: