#2. Grocery Store Vigilantes
A turkey (frozen).
Sometimes ordinary people really do become heroes. Here's an inspiring story of unexpected heroism, blunt force trauma and poultry.
And the assassination that shocked the nation.
In November 2008, career criminal Fred Louis Ervin robbed a North Carolina gas station. After the nefarious ne'er-do-well acquired the contents of the cash register, he hopped across the road to a grocery store parking lot to score himself a sweet getaway ride. The only problem was the car's owner, Irene Bailey, was currently getting into it. Ervin wasn't going to let a little detail like that stop him. In the words of a witness:
"The lady was being beaten on the ground. She was lying on the ground, and the guy was on top of her - physically hitting her."
But let's be honest. She probably had it coming.
However, just as all seemed lost, something awesome happened: Other shoppers surrounded Ervin. One of the posse (whose name police did not release) picked up a frozen turkey from amongst Irene's spilled groceries. Hopefully saying something like "It's time for you... to go cold turkey," he brought the mighty bird down on Ervin's carjacking head.
Despite his severe head wound, Ervin still managed to escape in Irene's car. Just not very well. He hit an impressive five other cars on his way out of the parking lot. Police picked him up a short while later without any trouble.
There aren't many certainties in this world, but we feel we can say this with some conviction: Thanksgiving dinner that year was the sweetest damn thing Irene Bailey ever ate.
"Revenge is a dish best served... turkey. Wait, that sucked. Can I try again?"
#1. The Hells Angels vs. Germany's Greatest Hero
A puppy (alive).
If you just had to throw a puppy at someone, your viable options would likely make a short list. Mailman, neighbor kids, the guy who canceled Arrested Development. We can't imagine "Hells Angel" would end up on anyone's list. That is unless of course you're a 26-year-old German student whom we'll just call Testosticor Fantastiballs.
Portrayed here by Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Testosticor, like many people, suffered from depression. Unlike many people, however, he chose a rather interesting way of coping with it. Instead of, say, finding solace in loved ones or sitting in the dark listening to Joy Division, he felt that rather more... drastic action was required.
So, he grabbed the first puppy he saw, leapt manfully into his car and tore up the Autobahn until he'd reached the nearest Hells Angels hideout.
Probably in this vehicle.
Arming himself with nothing more than the puppy, he strode into the grounds and proceeded to heroically... drop his shorts.
While the Angels were stymied trying to figure out why a psychopath had just strode into their clubhouse and mooned them, Testosticor executed his masterstroke: He withdrew the bemused puppy (presumably from a holster) and hurled it at the nearest leather-clad guy.
Impregnating all of these women in the process.
So get the image in your head: Here's this guy with pants around his ankles, throwing puppies at a motorcycle gang on their compound. Take that in.
OK? Let's continue (and yes, the puppy was fine).
By this point, Testosticor must have partially come to his senses and decided to follow-up his patently absurd assault with the most bizarrely awesome escape attempt in the history of shenanigans.
The first phase of his retreat strategy involved running over to a building site and commandeering a fully operational bulldozer.
The second phase was coming to the realization that, however awesome, bulldozers aren't actually very fast. Phase three had him causing a three-mile traffic jam on the highway and phase four saw him finally abandon the bulldozer (still on the highway) and hitchhike all the way home.
Who knew that you could hitchhike to Valhalla?
All in all, a very well executed plan.
Despite arriving safely home, Mr. Fantastiballs was quickly apprehended by the law and charged with being the world's best person. The court sentenced him to life in luxury and all the eager German milk maidens he could ravage .
As for the puppy? Well, it was handed over to an animal shelter, and is probably living comfortably off the royalties it made selling its heart-warming story to Hollywood.
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And check out how militaries have used animals in the past, in 7 Insane Military Attempts To Weaponize Animals. Or check out some cuddly creatures that don't need human help to kick ass, in The 6 Cutest Animals That Can Still Destroy You.
And stop by Linkstorm (Updated 07.28.10) to see Jack O'Brien wrestle a bear.