15 Retarded Dungeons and Dragons Monsters

#7. Ash Rats

What is it?

Ash rats are rats that are on fire, all the time, for no explicit reason. This somehow makes them even less dangerous than their aforementioned non-flaming brethren.

Where it Went Wrong:

Walking into a battle while already engulfed in flames puts you at a pretty hefty disadvantage. Realistically all the heroes have to do is wait a few seconds for the rats to burn down to gristle, or just kick the damn things out of the way because they're fucking rats.

#6. Grell

What is it?

The Grell is a floating Skeksis brain with jellyfish tentacles.

Where it Went Wrong:

So the D&D world really uses the whole "floating" thing as a crutch to make ridiculous looking monsters that would never be able to travel on land unless they were strapped into a car seat in the back of a Chevy Malibu.

Also, while the Grell is undoubtedly suited for the task of scaring nine-year-olds, we don't feel it would pose a serious challenge to a seven-foot tall barbarian warrior that drinks the blood of the fallen. That head has the look of something he could fuck up by poking it really hard with his finger.

#5. Atropal

What is it?

The Atropal is a stillborn god-fetus risen from the dead to confuse everyone at the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Where it Went Wrong:

Despite possessing godlike powers and being metal as fuck, the Atropal at its core is still just a dead fetus. Here's a general rule for undead creatures: If the thing wasn't any kind of threat when it was alive, it's probably not going to be any more of a problem in its slower, decomposing form.

#4. Hippocampus

What is it?

When you were a little kid and somebody mentioned "seahorses," this is what you pictured in your mind.

Where it Went Wrong:

The Hippocampus just doesn't seem like it would pose much of a threat. It sort of looks like an ancillary character from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, like its name would be MerMare or Aquaestiran and it would help the Turtles reach Atlantis before the city gets plundered by Bebop and Rocksteady.

That makes us think this creatures was intended to be one of the good guys, but would something working for the forces of good have that douchey chin beard?

#3. Porcupine Cactus

What is it?

The Porcupine Cactus explodes whenever something gets near it, blanketing the surrounding area with a layer of thorns and internal organs. This is gross.

Where it Went Wrong:

Aside from the pointlessly redundant combination (porcupine cactus? How about an "eel snake"?), the fucking thing blows up at the first sign of activity. Just hide behind a tree and toss a squirrel at it or something.

#2. Anguillian

What is it?

Anguillians are a breed of humanoid eels that live in a patriarchal society under the sea. Judging by the spear and the Sarlacc mouth, things down there aren't quite as whimsical as Sebastian the crab would have us believe.

Where it Went Wrong:

Buddy, you've got a mouth lined with thousands of razor-sharp teeth and huge terrifying crab claws for hands. You do not need to try to jab people with a sharpened stick.

#1. Gelun

What is it?

The Gelun is a creature that has to live in the desert to avoid completely freezing over into a block of ice, sort of like the exact opposite of Mr. Freeze.

Where it Went Wrong:

Being encased in something that isn't a giant robot suit really limits your combat potential (see Brain-in-a-Jar, above). Really, the Gelun's best hope is that passing bands of adventurers carve its ice prison into an angel or a swan or something instead of just chopping its exposed head off.


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For more gaming letdowns, check out The 6 Most Disappointing Video Game End Bosses. Or find out about some bad guys that totally ruled but still lost to pathetic heroes, in 7 Badass Cartoon Villains Who Lost to Retarded Heroes.

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