Cracked Round-Up: Salvation

Boss says we need to be more "topical" with our round-up titles. "Be more topical," he says. Stuff like that. So, this week, we're "Round-Up: Salvation," though it was admittedly a close race between that, Angels & Round-Ups, Guantanamo Round-Up, and Tyler Perry's Round of Up. Look how topical we can be.

Anyway, jokes.

FOR YOUR VAGINA!

18 More of the World's Most Disturbing Sex Toys Guess what a Drilldo does.

Notable Comment: SaltyPeanut says "The Plow looks like something you'd use to hunt down whales." Well, in a way it is, if by whales you mean... Well, you know how jokes work, you can finish the rest.

MORE LIKE TRUEVIES!

7 Completely Unrealistic Movie Plots That Came True Please let Dark Knight come true next. Please please please.

Notable Comment:lol_alf says "Thanks for telling everyone how Shawshank ends." Really? Really? This movie is on TNT every single day and has been for, like, eight years. It is statistically impossible for you to not see it.

TIME-RUINING SPERM

5 Reasons the Terminator Franchise Makes No Goddamn Sense More like TermiNOTor. As in NOT PLAUSIBLE, right? This movie looks stupid.

Notable Comment:Lazzzers spent about 2,000 words saying what we can sum up in four: "I AM A NERD." We're sorry we made the Terminator Franchise cry.

KABOOM!

7 WTF Military Weapons You Won't Believe They Actually Built A shotgun that fires smaller, angrier shotguns!

Notable Comment: colin_in_sick says "I can't decide if putting a head on Big Dog would make it more or less terrifying. Either way, I can't wait for truly viable robot pets." We like your style, Colin. You don't care if it has a face or not, or whether or not it's terrifying, you just know that you want a robot pet right this god damned second.

HACK!

7 Hacks That Turn Everyday Objects into Deadly Weapons Sure this scooter's nice, but it can't leave me as a charred corpse in any way. How can I remedy this?

Notable Comment: Netm says "Not to forget the V8 powered blender that was shown on a British TV show." Hey, if we pour V8 vegetable juice in there to make a smoothie, can we call the whole thing V16? Or V64? What's the rule on that, do we convert things to roman numbers? X16? Is anyone even listening to us anymore?!?

BOOBS!

BOOBS! BOOBS!

YOU YOU YOU!

21 Famous Photographs (Minus Pants). We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, Prequels That Should Never Get Made.

5.21.09:

Virgin: Origins
by dancetroll

Editor's pick:

He's looking for Nick Furry.
by ChaseMitchell

5.20.09:

Where The Domestic Things Are
by Julius_Goat

Editor's pick:

Pity she can't bear any more kids.
by CavalierX

5.19.09:

Advertising, yes. Subliminal, no.
by CavalierX

Editor's pick:

Don't they usually just toss a coin?
by geniuswaitress

5.18.09:

Mercedes Penz
by GaseousClay

Editor's pick:

Quick! Somebody write down that guy's license plate number! Does anyone have a pen?
by SlappyMcGee

5.17.09:

"So, we meet again"
by Macho+Maddness

Editor's pick:

The Match.com ad said that she was a horny single mother who was into role playing.
by Mikelibrarian

5.16.09:

The Statue of Liberty will be replaced in 2030 by The Statue of Fucking Awesome.
by gamadaya

Editor's pick:

Stephen Hawking's latest wheelchair is AWESOME!!
by Leaf

5.15.09:

Snuggles choose the red pill.
by Priapism

Editor's pick:

Bitch betta have my honey!
by bj0rnemainn