“By the time I get back, I want this fridge cleaned up,” Cracked Editor Jack O’Brien had told us. Filthy disgusting fridges had been in the news lately, and he felt that there was some comedic potential to be had in the cleaning of ours. And if it minimized the population of horseflies that had recently appeared in our staff kitchen, all the better.
I and the rest of the columnists stood in a loose semi-circle around the fridge, looking at it suspiciously.
“As the funniest person here, I don’t think I should have to do this,” Swaim said.
“You’re not the funniest person here, Swaim,” I replied.
“I call second funniest,” Gladstone said.
“Third,” parroted Brockway.
DOB: “Fourth!”
Seanbaby looked at me, not blinking. I sighed. “Sixth,” I finally said.
I took a breath and manned up momentarily. Reaching out I opened the fridge door and regretted it immediately. Waves of evil swept over me. This was going to be hell.
Suddenly a thought occurred to me. “This doesn’t have to be a chore,” I replied. “What if we use our imaginations to make it into an adventure?”
“You’re not thinking…” Gladstone said.
“That’s right. We straight-up Muppet Baby this!”
Everyone’s eyes lit up. Together we bent down and peered into the fridge.
__
__
We were in a damp, blueish-gray cave. Splashes of white plastic on the floor here or there indicated it was a mold covered fridge of cavernous proportions. Above us, light from a single incandescent bulb trickled down.
“This is gross. It’s like some kind of alien vagina,” said Swaim.
“This is nothing like an alien vagina,” said Seanbaby, eyes scanning the blueish-gray mass. No one wanted to argue the point, so we moved on into the fridge.
We soon came upon some leftovers from a party, including a half-eaten cake and an enormous plate of moldy appetizers, the remnants of some happy occasion marked by management purchasing cocktail wieners for us. Gladstone walked over to the plate and pulled a little cocktail sword out of one of the wieners. Following his lead, we armed ourselves similarly, then spent the next five minutes pretending we were pirates.
Brockway frowned, looking at his blade. “These things aren’t very sharp. I don’t know if these will work for cutting mold away.” He tested it out by poking at a lump of growth clinging to the ground. In a flash, the fungus snapped forward, latching on to Brockway’s arm. “Help!” he cried unimaginatively.
Our eyes boggled as we struggled to understand what we were seeing. Brockway repeated his earlier request.
“I guess we should help him?” I thought aloud, looking for feedback.
“It’s too late! Kill him!” DOB shrieked, setting upon Brockway with his cocktail sword.
“Stop! Stop it!” Brockway cried. “Stop stabbing my ass!” he screamed, thrashing wildly at Swaim who indeed, had crossed the floor and was furiously stabbing his ass.
Gladstone looked at me and shrugged, before walking cautiously over to the trio. He gingerly poked his sword into Brockway’s thigh, eliciting a shrill response. I stroked my chin, thinking. Stabbing Brockway felt like the right thing to do. It felt so right. But I was missing something.
Behind me Seanbaby crossed over to the remains of the birthday cake. I watched curiously, as he plucked a candle from its decayed form. Reaching into his pocket he produced a Zippo lighter, and with a practiced flick set the candle ablaze. Wielding it like a girthy, blazing penis, he charged at the mass of mold and bleeding columnists, where he repeatedly jabbed it into the grayish-green mold that had seized Brockway by the arm.
A blood curdling shriek filled the air, as the mold smoked and burnt. It released Brockway’s arm, who collapsed back in a heap with his assailants. A limb of the mold hissed and snapped at Seanbaby, who ducked it, continuing his fiery-dong assault. Another shriek, this time from deeper in the fridge. The moldy mass slumped to the ground, and began to shrink back into the depths with a horrifying slurping sound. All around us the mold on the floor and walls began to retreat.
Unaware of our complete and unexpected victory, DOB, Swaim and Gladstone continued their tussle with Brockway. “Get off me,” Brockway growled, planting a foot in DOB’s crotch and kicking him back. A hilarious noise escaped DOB’s lips as he tumbled backwards.
“Guys, cool it. It’s over,” I said, reaching in and yanking Swaim back by his collar before he could stab Brockway in the ass again.
“Are you licking my ear?” Brockway yelled at Gladstone, who had dropped his sword in the melee, and was in fact licking Brockway’s ear. Brockway rolled to the side and regained his feet. Gladstone looked up at us, blinking his eyes several times.
“That was weird,” he said. “It’s like the mold spores took hold of my mind or something.”
We all stared at Gladstone for 12 seconds. Finally, I sighed as heavily as I could, and said, “Yes. I have read that mold spores can do that.” I stared each one of them in the eye, daring them to make a thing of this. “Let’s all forget what just happened, but also be on the watch for mold spores.”
Another lengthy pause while everyone considered that. Finally DOB walked over to Brockway and punched him on the shoulder. “Sorry buddy. It was you or us. Glad you pulled through though.” He thought for a moment before adding, “Tiger.”
“I don’t think it was actually me or you,” Brockway said, wincing as he examined his bleeding ass.
“You’ll never understand what it’s like being in that situation,” Swaim said cheerfully. He wiped his sword blade against his pants. “How the human body reacts when it’s put in danger like that. I’m glad to say that I reacted flawlessly.”
Brockway glared at him, his head conjuring up ways to remove Swaim from his genitals. I paused for a second to make sure they weren’t going to start up again, then turned to look towards the back of the fridge.
Behind us, the mold’s retreat had uncovered a variety of detritus. Bottle caps, twist ties, a fork. I looked it over curiously before my eyes settled upon something horrific. Against the side wall, slumped against a Tupperware container full of evil, sat a skeleton, its bones bleached white.
“Is that?” I whispered under my breath, cautiously approaching it.
“Ross?” Swaim said, finishing my thought.
We all gathered around the skeleton. The mold had picked it clean. “How can you guys be sure?” asked Brockway, bleeding.
“His medallion,” I said, pointing at his neck, where a bronze medallion lay, the light catching it. The mold hadn’t touched it at all. “It’s the Wolinksy family crest. He never took that off.”
__
Our hearts heavy, we continued towards the back of the fridge. When we arrived we saw the most horrible thing imaginable.
A mass of mold the size of an ass had formed in the far corner of the fridge. Huge writhing tentacles sprouted out from it. A malevolent energy pulsed around it. It was alive. It was aware. It was watching us.
“The Mold Queen,” Gladstone said.
Swaim began arguing about whether mold could even have a queen, and suggested we try and find a name with a pun in there somewhere. We argued about that for awhile, but couldn’t come up with anything better. Curiously, we did all decide that it was definitely a woman. After that we argued about how we were going to kill it, Gladstone repeatedly chiming in to remind us about the “unknowable effects of mold spores.”
“Salad!” Brockway shouted after a while. “That’s the answer.” He ran over to a brown paper bag with the word “Salad,” scribbled over it in black marker. “I forgot I left this here!”
“I don’t think that’s going to be good any more,” Swaim said. Brockway ignored him and slashed a hole in the side of the bag with his sword. We peered in after him.
Brockway’s “salad” was a flat glass bottle, a mickey of some variety or other, its label long since peeled off. “Brockway family gin!” Brockway said, excitedly. “The key ingredient in a Brockway salad,” he continued. “The other one’s ice,” he added, unnecessarily.
“Your family makes its own gin?” I asked.
“Legally we can’t call it gin,” Brockway said. “Also it’s less a family and more a religion. And, for legal purposes, we don’t make it, our creator makes it through us.” He smiled. “But to answer your question, yes.”
Brockway’s plan was straightforward. As the mold seemed to react poorly to fire, we would cover the Queen with the Brockway family’s darkest secret and set her ablaze. We wrestled the “gin” out of the paper bag, and carried it towards the back of the fridge. We stopped just out of range of the Queen’s tentacles and caught our breath.
“We’re not going to be able to get close enough to douse her like this,” I said. “She’ll destroy us before we can get within a cock’s-length of her.” A small argument broke out about how long that was exactly, followed by a separate argument about whether the metric system made penises sound more or less impressive.
Midway through this DOB excused himself and walked a distance towards the front of the fridge. When he returned he had stripped to the waist and tied the sleeve of his shirt around his head like a bandanna. He also had picked up a fork, and proceeded to thrust it about crazily. “Look at me! I’m Poseidon!” he yelled, no less crazily.
“I think he’s saying that he’s going to be a distraction,” Gladstone said, rubbing his temples, “while we light the Queen on fire.”
DOB nodded, and then began tearing at his pants, to appear “more Poseidonny.” We shifted around uncomfortably.
Damnit Dan, now you’ve wrecked your best yellow pants. Those were your going out pants.
Finally ready, DOB took up his fork and yelled “For Ross!”
“For Ross!” we echoed his cry, and took up our stations on the bottle.
Squatting for a moment, DOB closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He sat motionless, collecting himself. Nodding, he stood up clear eyed, raise his fork and yelled, “Fork freeeeeeeeeeedooooom!” He charged at the beast.
Tentacles of the mold snapped and thrust at him, DOB stabbing back crazily. We shouldered the bottle and ran at the side of the mass, a gap having formed in its tentacles.
“I’ll fork you up! I’ll fork you up so bad!” The cries of battle echoed up from the other side of the beast.
We reached the fuzzy mass of the mold. Gladstone and Brockway began twisting off the cap. A tentacle swooped in at them and was batted aside momentarily by Seanbaby. The tentacle recoiled, then snatched him up by the leg and began thrashing him about.
“Ooooooh yeah girl. I’ll fork you right on down to the break of dawn.”
The cap of the bottle rattled off, and the gin began to pour out onto the hideous mold. We tipped the bottle higher and began spreading the gin around. More tentacles swooped in, picking off Swaim and Brockway.
A clash of metal from the other side of the beast, followed by DOB’s voice, “Ooh big American moldier. Me fork you long time!”
A tentacle came crashing into Gladstone, knocking him and the bottle down over me. It scooped him up and began whipping him around. Above me, I watched Seanbaby struggling with his tentacle, finally managing to land a kick on it. He evidently hit it right in the tentacle-balls, because with a groan it dropped him to the ground. He rolled back out of range before it could come crashing down on top of him.
“Light it!” I yelled at him, still trapped under the bottle. “Don’t worry about me! Just light it and go!”
“I wasn’t worried about you!” Seanbaby yelled back, flicking on the Zippo.
My mouth gaped. Above me, Swaim shouted “Well save me then, fucker!” He was still clutched firmly in the grasp of the moldy tentacle that was shaking him around.
“No, don’t!” said DOB, who had backed away from the Queen to join Seanbaby. He was somehow even less clothed than before. “We can get more columnists. But a used fridge is 50 bucks, easy.”
Without saying a word, Seanbaby tossed the lighter into the puddle of alcohol pooling at the base of the mold. Light flared up around me and I was deafened by a rushing noise.
__
“What’s all this commotion?” Jack’s voice, rousing me to consciousness.
Cracked Editor Jack O’Brien
I opened my eyes. I was lying on the floor, pinned underneath the water cooler, cold water splashing around me. Above me, Gladstone, Brockway and Swaim were tangled in the venetian blinds of the kitchen window. The window coverings screamed in protest before they came crashing down upon them.
Across the room the refrigerator was on fire, its door hanging by a single hinge. Seanbaby was sitting on the floor, stunned, his eyebrows missing. DOB was lying unconscious on the kitchen table, now completely naked. A push broom was still clasped in his right hand.
After helping me to my feet, I explained to Jack what had happened. He nodded, with a bemused look in his eye. “I’m afraid your imaginations have gotten the better of you again,” he said in a matronly voice. “There’s no such thing as a mold Queen,” he added. Retrieving a fire extinguisher from the corner, he put out the blaze. “I don’t know what I’m going to do with you boys sometimes,” he sighed as the smoke cleared. He turned and looked into the fridge.
“Is that Ross?”
__
This entry was posted on Tuesday, May 19th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Cracked, Cracked House, Jim Henson, Muppets. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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August 11th, 2009 at 9:07 pm
Sooo funny! I guess its true that Canada is the land of comedy
(because there’s nothing else to do lol)
July 16th, 2009 at 4:04 am
Best Article Ever! Please write more!
July 12th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
This is so much better than Muppet Babies.
July 7th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
what an epic and noble tale!
July 5th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
Oh.
*sigh*
I read this, I looked around at my squalled surroundings just in time to see my dog throw up.
Then I cried a little about how sad my life is. How I wish I was a Cracked.Com writer.
July 3rd, 2009 at 6:56 pm
Jess, suck my balls. One at a time.
June 17th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
Wow - that one was a chore to get through! Yawn!
June 16th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
Ha loved this one i know sometimes i get wraped up in my own immagination like that time when i accidentally flew out a window cause i thought i could fly……… oh wait never mind…. i was high >.<
June 11th, 2009 at 12:20 am
that wasn’t ross, http://www.twitter.com/rosswolinsky . However, if you’re implying that he’s dead in the eyes of cracked.com, and by which you mean he won’t be writing for cracked anymore… well that’s just sad.
Anyways, fantastic article
June 4th, 2009 at 3:28 am
I do love this but did anyone else who’s a David Wong’s “John Dies at the End” fan think all DOB and his fork jokes were ridiculously similar to the part of the book where John’s fighting monsters with a chair and shouting terrible chair based puns? Not that I think it was stolen, just that it’s a bit unoriginal (despite being hilarious).
June 2nd, 2009 at 3:20 pm
i spent way too much time watching The Muppet babies as a kid
May 31st, 2009 at 8:26 am
Greatest article ever buddy. Gotta do another 1.
May 30th, 2009 at 11:41 pm
“She’ll destroy us before we can get within a cock’s-length of her.”
A small argument broke out about how long that was exactly
Utterly Hilarious!
May 29th, 2009 at 5:39 pm
Men - you will learn how to properly date and respect women who are a little to a lot older than you! Im pretty sure if I was a guy, it would be my dream to be with an older women…or maybe it is my dream anyway haha _Agelessmate.c om_ !!
May 26th, 2009 at 9:49 am
this was work of art…
you, dob and brockway= funniest columnists!
this article makes up for the fact that there was none this week!
May 24th, 2009 at 9:35 pm
GOOD GOD
May 24th, 2009 at 7:08 pm
“Help!” he cried unimaginatively.
Win.
May 24th, 2009 at 11:23 am
Marry me Chris Bucholz.
May 24th, 2009 at 3:32 am
This was absolutly excellent. I could not stop laughing the entire time. Your defintly in the top 4 funniest Bucholz.
May 23rd, 2009 at 1:15 am
What got me most was the American-vs-metric (a drawn-out “six solid centimeters” (maybe “ten”) can be heard from this mouth at times) and the final line.
May 21st, 2009 at 10:51 pm
I want to see DOB naked…
May 21st, 2009 at 6:20 pm
The first and largest mingle site for Cougars and men.
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May 21st, 2009 at 5:41 pm
Trite as lettuce?
Dude, Colatf, whatever the fuck that is, go get laid. Now.
You need it.
Trite as lettuce. Seriously? Hmm, something tells me you’re dry as a funneral drum. Guffah, I got you good, yes?
This was epic. I’m posed with the same horrors everytime I clean my room.
May 21st, 2009 at 3:23 pm
That was easily the best blog entry I’ve read in the last 3 months.
May 21st, 2009 at 7:05 am
colatf, you’re a retard.
This was wonderful, much more like how Cracked used to be; I miss this stuff.
“colatf” - what the hell kind of a name is that anyways?
>.<’
May 21st, 2009 at 12:54 am
if you want to write a book, write one. this was boring and predictable, as trite as a lettuce.
May 20th, 2009 at 10:28 pm
easily the best thing i’ve read on cracked in a while now.
the description of how jack finds you guys is priceless, i couldn’t stop laughing.
keep it up.
May 20th, 2009 at 10:09 pm
Next week on Cracked Columnists clean various electrical appliances: Blender’s Game.
Will Ross ever return from his duel with beelzebub in the 5th dimension? Can DOB find a new pair of trousers that fit as snug as the one’s sacrificed for the good of the communal kitchen? Can Swaim assert his alpha comic dominance over the rest of the cracked employees? (I smell a sitcom). Find out next time.
I haven’t slept in days due to the most epic pokemon marathon in the earth’s history. Please kill me.
May 20th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
……
That was awesome!
You guys need to get together and write a novel.
I’d totally buy 3 or 4 copies.
May 20th, 2009 at 5:59 pm
Holy crap, that was amazing. You should write more adventures of the Cracked columnists, funniest shit I’ve read in a long time.
May 20th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
I love you.
(And DOB, you two are my favourites)
May 20th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
So when are you guys gonna get off your asses and publish a piece of fiction? Get on that DOB, Swaim, Buchols, etc!!!!
May 20th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
I liked this. Nice job, Bucholz.
May 20th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
It would be awesome if Wolinsky came back………….. From the dead!!!
May 20th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
Speaking of Ross, BRING HIM BACK.
May 20th, 2009 at 10:38 am
gar, it was pretty funny till the last line, that made it damn funny.
May 20th, 2009 at 10:27 am
Funny. I probably laughed the most at this line, “I watched Seanbaby struggling with his tentacle.” I’m assuming this happens alot. I’m also assuming you watch this happen, alot.
May 20th, 2009 at 10:03 am
I forgot how much I loved the Muppet Babies!!!!!!!!!!!
May 20th, 2009 at 9:57 am
I enjoyed this because it made Swaim look like the coward I always figured he was.
May 20th, 2009 at 9:40 am
Good stuff! just check out___ MatchRich.c o m ___ where you can meet the wealthy singles,sexy beauties and even hot celebs . Find your sexy partner easier and more effective! What are you waiting for? Just go and hook up the sexy beauties now!
May 20th, 2009 at 8:33 am
Waiting for part 2! The Muppet Babies were aweseome.
May 20th, 2009 at 7:46 am
Come and join hot tall dating club http://tallloving.com has lots of sports fans there! besides, it’s hot modelss, milfs, sexy chick s and handsome young men and chicks dating club!!LOL Don’t miss out!!
May 20th, 2009 at 5:43 am
The obvious name for the Queen was Master Mold.
May 20th, 2009 at 4:15 am
once again I am drawn in by the awesomeness.. great article and Swaim is the funniest person at cracked btw.
May 20th, 2009 at 4:08 am
Yeah, unless there’s a lot more pics, I don’t really read these long-ass articles.
May 20th, 2009 at 2:13 am
Crap, this made me laugh. You, dear fellow, are a heck of a good writer. If you ever write a ‘real’ book, let me know - I love your style, you describe things with it seeming natural, not horribly boring. Anyway. Yeah. Awesomeness.
May 19th, 2009 at 11:47 pm
you had me at ‘muppet babies’…..muppet babies whenever dreams come truuuueeeee muppet babies will do the same for you….when your room looks kind of weird and you wish that you weren’t there…….
May 19th, 2009 at 11:30 pm
Ah, just like the original Muppet Babies, only on crack……ed (worst. joke. ever)
Oh Christ there’s another Elle. I almost had a heart attack when I saw the name. Goddamit, now I don’t feel special or unique. Unless I have a split personality. Yeah. That’s what’s going on. It has to be.
May 19th, 2009 at 10:42 pm
Fantastic.
May 19th, 2009 at 10:17 pm
Great article. This would make for the perfect animated series.
May 19th, 2009 at 9:37 pm
lol, awesome shit.
May 19th, 2009 at 9:25 pm
muppet BAAAAAAAABIES do do do do do!
May 19th, 2009 at 8:32 pm
Definitly an entertaining article. Now that Ross has been found I wonder if we can get that woman to take her shirt off now? Actually I can see it now the police showing up at Cracked HQ again to arrest someone for necrophylia. Just another typical day at the office.
May 19th, 2009 at 8:05 pm
Not bad for a Canadian.
May 19th, 2009 at 7:02 pm
That was hilarious, The ending was the best. and DOB was great.
Elle, I half-agree, it sort of depends on how well the comedy comes out in comic form, may translate well, could blow. I personally love these articles, I imagine it so vividly.
May 19th, 2009 at 6:39 pm
Fucking A!
May 19th, 2009 at 6:24 pm
That was so funny I laughed in my cubicle and got ‘the rod’.
Totally worth it.
You guys should have someone do a comic for your office personel like they do at roosterteeth.com. That would be awesome
May 19th, 2009 at 6:21 pm
Hahaha.
This was hilarious.
It was also a nice and imaginative change from the usual cracked format.
Well done Bucholz
May 19th, 2009 at 6:19 pm
That was probably the funniest thing I’ve read on here in a long time.
May 19th, 2009 at 6:05 pm
Also, this story was amazing. I can’t put the quotes here that made me crack up, because that would be about half the article.
May 19th, 2009 at 6:03 pm
What the hell did happen to Ross?
Also, DOB is funniest, then Brockway, then you, then Swaim, then Gladstone, then Seanbaby.
May 19th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
So what was the consensus on the metric thing?
May 19th, 2009 at 4:57 pm
who is ross
May 19th, 2009 at 4:57 pm
this actually happend to me last week
May 19th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
… cheer up my friend! XOXO! http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=13&catid=6&sku=ENGL-CD00275
May 19th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
You know what would have been hilarious?
Nothing I’ve ever suggested, because I’m a fat, stupid sack of fucking crap.
May 19th, 2009 at 4:36 pm
“He evidently hit it right in the tentacle-balls”
“Is that Ross?”
tears in my eyes
May 19th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
I’m actually a little disappointed. All that talk about moldy tentacles and not one reference to Japanese tentacle rape. And Seanbaby should have had some generic line when he set the queen in fire like “The HEAT IS ON!!!”
Other than that, it was a great read. Ya’ll should do these “Day at the Cracked Office” stories at least once a week.
May 19th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
I’ve never burst out laughing that many times in one article.
“Wielding it like a girthy, blazing penis…”
That may be the funniest, most perfectly timed thing I’ve ever read.
May 19th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
This was an awesome article. I want to pretend that the html code or whatever it was, is what leaks out of Brockway’s thigh when you stab him. Because you know, he IS science!
R.I.P Ross.
May 19th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
Bucholz is still the best. Buuucholz! Buuucholz!
May 19th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
nice article man i loved it SOO much
May 19th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
I love when the seven of you “get together” it should be a sitcom.
May 19th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
I used to watch Muppet Babies on a 7 inch black and white tv.
May 19th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
there is some sort of error on the screen, that just looks like a bunch of computer code. But when I try to copy and paste it to the comments, it doesn’t show up.
May 19th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
What is this “” I’m seeing?
Also, the ass-stabbing is hilarious!
May 19th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
T’was awesome xD
May 19th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
This article kind of reads like slash fic about the writers at Cracked.
Not that I’m complaining. In fact, I’d like to read more!
May 19th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
That was excellent. But I thought Ross was captured by some demon worshiping group or something. Is their lair in your fridge?
May 19th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
You guys totally missed the whole “flaming queen” pun.
May 19th, 2009 at 1:08 pm
what is this?
May 19th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
Laughing out loud the whole time. That was great!
May 19th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
I’m sorry, I’m not usually anal retentive, ever. But is it really a coincidence that the Wolinsky family crest bears a striking resemblance to Chuck Norris’ ring in the Alphabet of Manliness?
May 19th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
Ooh big American moldier. Me fork you long time!
Pure gold.
May 19th, 2009 at 11:55 am
Brilliant ending.
May 19th, 2009 at 11:38 am
Perfect ending.
May 19th, 2009 at 11:14 am
I’m confused . . .
When Gladstone said he was crying at some points, did he mean crying while READING this, or crying while licking Brockway’s ear?
The latter is funny, and the former conjures images of him sitting in a darkened room, lit only by the light from his monitor (which, you know, for some reason lights up the place like a projector) tears of frustration and rage running down his cheeks as he scowls, raises his fist and shakes it, swearing vengeance . . .
And then flipping the lights on and getting to work on HBN, maybe whistling a little and chuckling as he thinks of a joke.
May 19th, 2009 at 10:56 am
Hmmmm…. Brockway: http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=15&catid=28&sku=E-CD00333 Would you like some un-dressing with that?
May 19th, 2009 at 10:36 am
Ross is not dead. He’ll be back next season. No one really dies on the Island. And I loved picturing DOB as a naked Poseidon. Meow!
May 19th, 2009 at 10:34 am
I wonder how long it will be before brockway makes a ripoff of this
May 19th, 2009 at 9:53 am
“Stop stabbing my ass!” he screamed, thrashing wildly at Swaim who indeed, had crossed the floor and was furiously stabbing his ass.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!
That article was funny as hell Bucholz. Great job.
May 19th, 2009 at 9:43 am
Brockway, sorry.
May 19th, 2009 at 9:41 am
You have a bunch of code (for a picture?) during the part about poking Bucholz in the ass. Might wanna fix that.
May 19th, 2009 at 9:38 am
Brilliant! I loved Swain’s “Well save me then, fucker!” line.
May 19th, 2009 at 9:28 am
not to astro, to the random shit in the tenth paragraph after the “adventure” starts
May 19th, 2009 at 9:13 am
wtf?
May 19th, 2009 at 9:13 am
Bring back Ross, evil queen!
May 19th, 2009 at 8:56 am
“”
May 19th, 2009 at 8:56 am
I’m sorry, you lost me at
May 19th, 2009 at 8:36 am
That, good sir, was fuckin’ awesome.
May 19th, 2009 at 8:32 am
This was the best damn Bucholz article I’ve ever read.
May 19th, 2009 at 8:24 am
I refuse to believe that Wolinski is dead. He will be back one of these days to kick Seanbaby in the balls.
May 19th, 2009 at 8:22 am
Loved it, especially the part about the mold spores lol.
May 19th, 2009 at 7:57 am
bucholz tuesday
May 19th, 2009 at 7:39 am
Very hard to follow.
May 19th, 2009 at 7:36 am
So THAT’s what happened to Ross. Whaddaya know.
May 19th, 2009 at 7:19 am
damn canadians.
May 19th, 2009 at 7:15 am
I laughed my ass off. Great article man.
May 19th, 2009 at 7:13 am
So, who’s pitching the movie?
May 19th, 2009 at 7:06 am
I love a good fictional adventure.
May 19th, 2009 at 7:05 am
What about Lex? Was he the mold queen?
May 19th, 2009 at 6:58 am
This was really hilarious. I’d really like to see more of this, actually.
May 19th, 2009 at 6:58 am
I appreciate how you guys are moving away, or at least incorporating more than from list-based comedy. You guys are pretty funny naturally. I’m impressed.
And the Muppet Babies were the shit. Long live Gonzo.
May 19th, 2009 at 6:51 am
I would like to point out that in two different articles on Cracked on the same day, I’m doing gay stuff. Thank you.
@Chris, I was actually crying at some points.
May 19th, 2009 at 6:51 am
Fucking Epic.
And right now, I’m craving for a Brockway salad.
May 19th, 2009 at 6:41 am
It would have been much much better if DOB had died, and had used a spork instead of a normla fork, but otherwise it was an acceptable contribution.
May 19th, 2009 at 6:40 am
Good article, but DOB is obviously the funniest! Very good ending.
May 19th, 2009 at 6:33 am
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May 19th, 2009 at 6:31 am
That was like the greatest thing I’ve ever read on here. I was a bit unsure in the middle but the ending had me laughing for at least 5 minutes.
May 19th, 2009 at 6:17 am
Wow. What an epic advnture. Baby Kermit would be proud (that is, if he was on crack). This was a fun one. And no, Brockway, cooking is for yuppies. “Normal” people play Boche Ball.
May 19th, 2009 at 6:16 am
“Man, everytime I appear in an anecdote I end up with a bleeding ass and an empty bottle of gin.”
Robert just be glad that, this time, it was about cleaning a fridge and not doing time in jail (or the navy).
May 19th, 2009 at 6:12 am
May Ross rest in peace.
May 19th, 2009 at 6:10 am
Exlcelent! Really funny article, Bucholz
May 19th, 2009 at 6:01 am
Man, everytime I appear in an anecdote I end up with a bleeding ass and an empty bottle of gin.
I mean, I’m not saying that’s inaccurate or anything; it’s just that’s not ALL I do. I can like, cook or something too.
That’s a thing people do, right? Cook?
May 19th, 2009 at 5:55 am
I was reading this in my computer class (paying attention is for suckers), I had a lot of trouble not laughing out loud when you flashed back to reality. AMAZING.
May 19th, 2009 at 5:54 am
simply EPIC.
Thx for the part about Ross, I always thought he’d end it underneath the overpass. His family crest is still awesome though.
May 19th, 2009 at 5:53 am
That was fantastic. Just fantastic.
May 19th, 2009 at 5:52 am
If Ross is dead now, can I have his family medallion?
May 19th, 2009 at 5:51 am
Bucholz, you made a slight error in the beginning, you are not the sixth. That’s Seanbaby. Everything else is right.
May 19th, 2009 at 5:40 am
Bucholz, you may be the best Canadian I know. And that’s saying something, because I know TWO Canadians.
May 19th, 2009 at 5:20 am
Dang mold spores.
May 19th, 2009 at 4:49 am
Wow, that was awesome, Bucholz. Thank you for the Ross references too! Whatever comedic genius they put in the water up there in Canada, you sure have drank your fair share of it.
“A small argument broke out about how long that was exactly, followed by a separate argument about whether the metric system made penises sound more or less impressive.”
Indeed.
May 19th, 2009 at 4:43 am
AWESOME.