#3. Worf from Star Trek
Greater-than-average strength; knows how to use blades; multi-lingual.
Less than average intelligence; laughable adherence to a strange code of honor; can barely move; no pockets.
How You Can Beat Him:
We admit Worf seems like a strange choice for this list at first glance, but a close examination of his fighting technique indicates his reputation far exceeds his actual ability.
Yes, we have here someone who moves so slow he makes Caine look like Bruce Lee. Despite talk of Klingon martial arts we rarely see him demonstrate anything more complicated than the usual Friday night bar fight roundhouse. His method seems to consist of a lot of snarling and mindless clubbing of foes with his fists, all while moving in the sluggish, robotic manner of a person worried that sudden movement will cause their forehead to go flying off.
His other weakness is his antiquated sense of honor. By challenging him to a straight up one-on-one fight you can be assured that he will show up, alone and unarmed. Worf will overlook the fact that unlike his ridiculous uniform, the cargo pants you bought at Old Navy have plenty of pockets for carrying useful things.
By useful things we mean Tasers, pepper spray, brass knuckles and a bat. At that point your only concern will be whether green blood comes out of clothes more readily than red.
#2. Tum-Tum from 3 Ninjas
Heals faster than grown ups, plenty of energy, cuteness.
Is a small child.
How You Can Beat Him:
Who is Tum-Tum? See the picture above. See the old guy, not him. See the kid next to the old guy, not him either, and not his brother in the middle. No, Tum-Tum is the little kid at the end. That's right, somehow we were supposed to believe that the little 5-year-old was some kind of devastating ninja. This was the point at which we stood up in the theater and screamed, "Bullshit."
For the sake of argument let's give him full credit for the ninja training his grandfather gave him. Being five, we think that he spent the first few years of "training" learning things like "ninja potty" and "ninja walking without falling on your ass." This leaves little time for more important skills like punching, kicking and learning how to make awesome smoke bombs.
We know this will be controversial, but we question the scientific accuracy of the above scene. You know what happens when a 5-year-old performs a flying kick against a grown man? The kid falls on his barely- out-of-diapers ass. Why does this happen? Physics. It's the law and everyone knows you can't fight the law, especially if you weigh 30 pounds and stand 3-feet-tall.
We also doubt that any of Tum-Tum's ninja training ever prepared him to overcome the sure-fire defense against all 5-year-olds, namely the "palm against the forehead" move. It's a variation of the technique the first ninja used up there, only modified to keep yourself out of range of his tiny kicking legs.
No, we're thinking the two ninjas in that video would have met the exact same fate if they had been fighting the empty room. Though we should note that before this match-up you should first find out if it is illegal in your state to fight children.
#1. Robin, from the Batman TV Series
Surprisingly good chin; appears to have decent medical coverage; has a butler.
Little-to-no knock-out power; built like a 12-year-old girl; beatdown-inducing costume.
How You Can Beat Him:
A supposed superhero who makes the Karate Kid look like the Terminator, Robin is the least physically imposing specimen ever to put on tights and a cape. While we can cut him some slack because he is supposed to be a teenager, that doesn't change the fact that they'd like us to believe he can take on the baddest criminals in Gotham with his fists.
The two things criminals fear, bats and colorful song birds.
For starters, after reviewing many of his fights it becomes clear that Robin has absolutely no knock-out power. He is seen repeatedly throwing wild haymakers that connect flush on the chins of opponents, we know this because the words "Pow" or "Whap" appear when he connects. But his opponents usually quickly pop right back up for more.
While he displays decent cardio in his ability to throw punch after punch, you should wade in against him unconcerned, especially since each of his punches is telegraphed well in advance. Seriously, even if he begins his punch while you are in the middle of a nap, you should have plenty of time to wake up, stretch and give him the thrashing of his life.
Robin's costume is also a weakness, and not just because the mere sight of it will steel your resolve to pound him. His cape is a liability easily exploited by any hockey fan. After pulling it up and wrapping it around his head, feel free to pound on Robin's kidneys until he collapses.
Obviously your biggest concern shouldn't be Robin at all, but whether or not a pissed-off Batman will come to his rescue. But keep in mind this is not the Christian Bale Batman from the films, but the flabby Adam West Batman from the TV show. We actually still like your chances even if he jumps in, but we don't want to get cocky here.
Find more from Adam over at Scenic Anemia.
If you've ever wondered what would happen if all the movie Batmans had it out, than you'll probably enjoy the trailer that pits Batman vs. Batman vs. Batman.