The 7 Most Insane Moments from Cable Access TV

#5. Goth Public Access

The Story: Back in 1988, five kids held this one really scrawny introvert named Saul down on the locker room floor and put their balls on his face. That's ten balls, total. Brutal. Everyone at his school started calling him "Ballface" and it really hurt his feelings. He begged his parents to move so he could go to a new junior high and start over, but his dad had a pretty good job and they had a mortgage so, you know, no dice. They promised him things would get better in high school. Then he got really into "dark" music and started cutting himself. When people started asking him why his arm was all bandaged up he would hiss at them, shield his face from the sun and run away, even though they were in the hallway at school and there was no sunlight to speak of. Then he decided to make a public access television show. Then someone put it on the internet and now we all get to laugh at him.

Why It Rules: If you tried to market this video under the title "Understanding Your Goth," you could make millions of dollars selling it to confused and desperate parents around the country. You wouldn't even need extra features - the DVD could be two minutes long. Why would it sell? Because it teaches you everything you need to know about goth teenagers: A: They are awkward wretches. B: They're friends with fat chicks. C: They're gonna be really embarrassed in a few years. Pay close attention to the first two seconds of the video. Did you see that? Wait, no - rewind it. Did you see it that time? What the hell was that? Some kind of goth ballerina move there? The icing on the cake would be his friend's excruciating pause/paws pun at 1:25, but goths hate cake, right? What would be a better phrase there? The maggot on the corpse? The blood on the ankh? Oh, wait - goths hate phrases, too. I'm going to go light some candles and blow my brains out with a shotgun. How's that?

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