The real world is for losers. You might be a weightlifting fireman who cares for injured puppies, but you'll never find a soulmate until you can filter potential mates based on a single quote and their favorite Harry Potter character. Online people aren't held back by outdated caveman concepts like "appearance," "physical skills" or "not swallowing Big Macs dissolved in Pepsi."
In the virtual world of Second Life, users realize that the freedom to specify the dimensions and species of your electronic penis outweigh primitive advantages like "being able to feel anything with it." Such people are clearly dangerous, but despite their own best efforts are actually multiplying. Digital lives have become as important as the real thing, prompting CRACKED to provide this guide to the life stages of the Internetizen*.
* We're working on a way to target missiles on abstract concepts.
It may be impossible, violating both physics and reason, but in the
hope of firebombing this word we are prepared to make the effort.
In the Real World
Real world babies were invented by God, presumably to give sex a downside.
On the Web
Like their real world counterparts, N00borns make a LOT OF NOIZE LOL ;), are unable to read FAQs and, no matter how much you might want to, you can't just throw them into traffic.
You can tell you're talking to an internet infant when you open an e-mail to find a huge, stinking diaper filled with five hundred lawyer jokes, or some other list we can only assume was created by Carlos Mencia as a eugenic weapon to cause intense pain in anybody with a sense of humor. Those who can enjoy reading such lists should not have a computer to do so with, as they could better spend the money on a jewel-encrusted "World's Most Boring Person" mug. Or, if mug stock is unavailable, a pistol with a single bullet.
2The Teenage Years
In the Real World
Modern media teaches the lesson that everyone is a beautiful and unique snowflake deserving of love and attention. Unfortunately, this lesson uses up the majority of the classtime previously used for "spelling,""self respect" and "How even a beautiful unique snowflake should sit down and shut up sometimes."
It's not that teenagers can't develop skills or talents; it's just that, thanks to shows like American Idol and Survivor, most American teenagers aren't aware there ARE such things as skill or talent. Their sole yardstick for measuring success is composed of "idiots" and "idiots who got famous."
On the Web
The internet teenager desperately pushes their terrible site with posts and IM messages and an animated signature file that can be seen from space. If these guys worked half as hard on their material as they did promoting it, there would be a new renaissance. Slash-fics of Harry and Draco would top the bestseller list, universities would offer PhDs in Emo Poetry and the Pain of Being, and the Mona Lisa would be moved into storage to make room for "Dragon Has Sex with Trans-gendered Anime Panda, Parts I - VII." Luckily, all time spent by a teenager online is used up begging, whining and pleading with every person they meet to visit their shitty MySpace page.
Listen up: If you're trying to get famous one person at a time, logically you're probably going to die of old age before that happens. Accept it. Paris Hilton didn't tour the country's coffee shops sleeping with people one by one- she slept with a handful of people in the most spectacularly slutty ways possible, thereby successfully fame-whoring. It should also be noted that when Paris Hilton is the positive example of something you're doing wrong, you have officially reached the lowest point in all of existence. You'll have to cure cancer just to be promoted back to "dumbass," and even then you'll be haunted by the ghost of Anna Nicole Smith shaking her head and muttering "Jesus, man, have some self respect."