Transcript: Bush Declares War on Mother Nature

My fellow Americans: A few weeks ago we were attacked by a faceless coward, Mother Nature. We have mourned for those who lost their second homes, for the children who will never know Mardi Gras as I did. Now our grief is turning to anger, and in the midst of our blinding rage, we will make many important decisions.

The only explanation for this act of eco-terrorism is that Mother Nature hates freedom. Much like the war on terror, our war on the environment has nothing to do with combustible fossil fuels. A century of unrestrained growth from western capitalists would not drive anything or anyone to these unspeakable acts against some truly beautiful homes and centers of high finance. Katrina attacked us because in our country we are free to drive SUVs.

Our war on the environment will be fought on two fronts. Physically, with our hands, we will continue to poison the very air we breathe. We will encourage even more corporations to dump toxic waste into our rivers. America will continue to lead the world in global pollution. At home, we will cut funding for hydrogen-powered energy. We will increase our censorship of the Weather Channel, and burn all books related to global warning. Except for that one by Michael Crichton. He's a smart man. He invented Jurassic Park and ER.

Over the last few weeks, we have shown the world what America is capable of. Mother Nature would have you believe that we're a nation of inept bureaucrats, racist journalists and apathetic politicians. I'm proud to say that I tend not to focus on those things.

Like the attacks of September 11, 2001, there is no way we could have seen Hurricane Katrina coming. But just like our invasion of Iraq, we have a plan to clean up the mess this terrorist has made.

I'm gonna go ahead here and close with an ole saying by FDR:

"We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And, now, apparently, the weather. And Arabs, of course. And, should they turn fanatical, weather-controlling Arab medicine men. Bastards. Thank you, and God bless the half of America that doesn't read."