The Horror Behind The Comedy
Our resident medical expert, Dr. Wong, explains how that charming little scene from your favorite comedy could spell intestinal parasites, third degree burns and sperm toxicity out here in the in the real world. Read on for the horrifying truth.
The Animal House Parade Rape (1978)
IN THE FILM
During the fraternity's violent assault on a parade, a scantily-dressed marching girl is flung into an open window, where she lands on the bed of a small boy:
Upon seeing her, the boy looks to the heavens and exclaims, "Thank you, God!"
IN REALITY
The "god" he was praying to was apparently Phallux, the Haitian god of rape. The scene mercifully cuts away so we do not witness the gruesome sexual assault that apparently follows. We can only hope that the girl was able to first find some kind of weapon with which to kill the boy.
The Caddyshack Golf Course Terror Attack (1980)
IN THE FILM
A golf course rigged with high explosive leads to the orgy of destruction that marks the end of this film:
IN REALITY
Conveniently not shown: the blown-off limbs and swaths of flesh burned from dozens of victims during each blast. A similar event at a golf course in Belgium in 1968 (when a gas main detonated under the green) killed 36 people, four of which were impaled with hole flag staffs. If you still think this is funny, just imagine your best friend standing above one of these bombs, having his genitals blown upward, the testicles lodging in his brain like a pair of musket balls. Hardly cause for laughter.
The Revenge of the Nerds Panty Raid (1984)
IN THE FILM
After becoming the victims of a mild prank, our lovable nerds get revenge on the Pi Delta Pi sorority by storming into their home and committing several dozen counts of hilarious sexual assault.
In the course of the panty raid/home invasion the nerds install surveillance cameras in the bedrooms and bathrooms of the sorority.
IN REALITY
With a live feed to their living room, the nerds apparently masturbated to the unknowing Pi's for twelve straight hours, with one of the the nerds, a young boy, being forced to watch.
The Ghostbusters Marshmallow Disaster (1984)
IN THE FILM
After the heroes blast apart the giant Stay-Puft Marshmallow man, we see an avalanche of molten marshmallow splatter to the street below, burying the Snidely Whiplash-esque villain of the film, Walter Peck:
IN REALITY
The sugars in marshmallow melt at a white-hot 350 degrees Fahrenheit. The victim's experience would be similar to being dropped in a deep-fryer. How many New York City burn units were filled before someone realized the Ghostbusters should have subdued the Marshmallow Man with some kind of net, at which point the creature's body could have been safely cut into small pieces for consumption by the populace?
Actually, fingernail polish remover containing acetate will loosen super glue. The scene would have been funnier if he'd had his dick cut off though. Maybe American Pie 15.
Reply"5 Horror Novels That Will Shrivel Your Balls This Halloween"
ReplyIt's Oct. 25.. Should I really read this? o.O
These kind of things seem to take the fun out of it :(
ReplyThat's why these things are fiction.
It's like Troll Science, man.
I wish so many of them weren't lies :/
ReplyThere is nothing funny about a dog ingesting human semen from the punctured testes. If the dog, a female, then licks its own groin, it is entirely possible to impregnate itself from the sperm residue on its tongue. Since humans and canines are almost identical genetically, the dog would almost certainly give birth to a human/dog horror hybrid, a creature doomed to live in the shadows, raiding hen houses for food until it is finally caught and burned by villagers.
But sometimes lies can be funny.
Somebody's probably brought this up before, but molten marshmallow =/= molten sugar. Think about it. You've eaten a marshmallow that was gooey on the inside after holding it over a fire. If it was really 350 degrees, your tongue would melt off. Sure, the surface of the marshmallow might be 350 when it burns, but as soon as it's taken away from the heat, that tapers off quickly, because charred sugar doesn't hold heat. By the time it hit the people on the ground (after falling through chilly night air for what, 200 ft?) it might have caused a few minor burns, but nothing serious. And come on, a net? What net? The five-football-field-wide net the Ghostbusters just happen to have handy, and are able to deploy over an enraged moving target?
ReplyCracked's ruining my childhood - again. I should stop coming to this site so much.
Replyhahaha priceless
Join the club-I think I have an addiction.
you know, in revenge of the nerds, wormser was NOT being forced to watch the sorority cam. lamar asks him in the morning if he has enough, to which wormser replies no. that implies that wormser WANTED to watch, proving you wrong.
ReplyWould I be mocked relentlessly for pointing out that dogs have 78 chromosomes, while humans have only 46, and are therefore not compatible? Probably.
ReplyGod pointing. Now prepare to an eternity of MOCKING: haw haw! haw haw! haw haw! haw haw! haw...
Well, you weren't mocked relentlessly, but you should have been because you obviously don't get humor.
What is it with these people who keep analysing the articles like they're some kind of man-child critic no one invited? It's a comedy article on a comedy website yet you people still insist on slagging it off as if IT'S dumb "hurr, toy story is just a kids movie, you aren't supposed to look that deep into it, retard!". It's a fucking jokey article moron, that' sthe fucking point!
ReplyThumbs up! It's now almost 3 years later and things haven't changed much.
When I first saw Big as a kid, I was thinking about that for awhile.
ReplyThere's actually a very simple home remedy for supergluing yourself: nail polish remover. If that doesn't work, the oils in your skin plus the constant shedding of said skin would eventually get rid of the superglue.
If he did go to the hospital, they wouldn't amputate anything. They'd treat it like a burn wound. Worst thing that could happen is they'd remove the skin of his penis.
Musket balls. That is all.
ReplyAnimal House: Really, I agree.
ReplyCaddyshack: Well, I noticed that people were running from the explosions and that there was a good distance between the people and explosions. Plus there's probably a difference in the explosions cause by gasoline and plastic explosives in the shape of cute furry animals.
Revenge of the Nerds: Robot Chicken showed what would happen if the nerds were brought up on the charges.
Ghostbusters: Probably one of the reasons they got their business axed.
Big: Huh. No comment.
Home Alone: There's a book that says that all of that shit would have killed them. Plus, Marv suffered a similar fate in Home Alone 2 where he got stapled in the crotch, ass, and nose.
Toy Story: There's no point where it says the toys can't die. When Woody got his arm cut off in Toy Story 2, he behaved like someone without an arm. Buzz acted the same way in Toy Story, sans the arm throwing bit. They act on the kind of biology that toys do.
There's Something About Mary: The f
Get f**ked in the ass by porcupine-condom-wearing wrestlers
Usually when I feast upon the poop of my fellow creatures, I try to choose the lower quadrupeds: lower down the food chain and less likely to perceive (and mock) my choice of sustenance. Dolphins, for example, have only four legs and are known to possess an intellect inferior to nearly every other species of insect on the planet. Their poop, however, is delectable and readily available in large quantities on every street corner. Since I made this discovery in the year 1217, I have not once allowed more than seven seconds to elapse without eating the poop of at least four hundred and ninety-three screaming, bleeding dolphins while shooting their mothers in the head and clubbing a baby seal with its own brain-pan. Thank you for your time and attention.
ReplyI...you—you're welcome?
That proposal sounds not modest.
I saw Revenge of the Nerds the other day on HBO or Showtime or something. The scene in question features about 15 minutes straight of full-frontal nudity. This movie was rated PG. Not even PG-13! That makes me disappointed to think about how much more uptight this country has gotten in the last 25 years or so.
ReplyRevenge of the Nerds was rated R... Also the PG-13 rating wasn't in use when RotN came out.
animal huse is filled with little- one liners and is best watched when you dont try to think logically about it.
ReplyIMPALED by a GOLF HOLE FLAG! i cringe for eternity.
revenge of the nerds is disturbing, no matter what the "its karma for bieng mean to them all their miserable lives" storyline is.
maybe the marshmallow is like that because of supernatural phenomena not because it melted.
big is pretty much just squeezing as much comedy out of a very awkward plot line as it can.
home alone is nothing but an inventive utilization of how humans find human suffering funny.
toys, its a kids movie, it isnt supposed to make sense, toys walk, talk, and do a bunch of wierd shit and the only thing you care about is whether or not they can have sex?
the human/dog hybrid was just plain retarded.
american pie, like a much less funny, attempted copy of animal house and ridgemont high, watch it, but dont try to think.
he ate a turd. eeww.
Well, about the toys, he wasn't talking about what was unrealistic. I mean, the toys are sentient. it's obviously not meant to correspond to reality exactly. However, the author was talking about the horror behind the comedy. That never ending life of sexual frustration, most of which is spent in a land fill some damn where, sounds horrifying.
Whoa, that American Pie one is disturbing WITHOUT an explanation.
ReplyReally? You just read an article in which the author implies that a dog can impregnate itself and give birth to a half-dog half-human hybrid, and the thing YOU pick out is the fact that super glue doesn't fuse anything? Seriously? Who let you out of the cellar?
Reply