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Our resident medical expert, Dr. Wong, explains how that charming little scene from your favorite comedy could spell intestinal parasites, third degree burns and sperm toxicity out here in the in the real world. Read on for the horrifying truth.


The Animal House Parade Rape (1978)

IN THE FILM
During the fraternity's violent assault on a parade, a scantily-dressed marching girl is flung into an open window, where she lands on the bed of a small boy:

Upon seeing her, the boy looks to the heavens and exclaims, "Thank you, God!"

IN REALITY
The "god" he was praying to was apparently Phallux, the Haitian god of rape. The scene mercifully cuts away so we do not witness the gruesome sexual assault that apparently follows. We can only hope that the girl was able to first find some kind of weapon with which to kill the boy.


The Caddyshack Golf Course Terror Attack (1980)

IN THE FILM
A golf course rigged with high explosive leads to the orgy of destruction that marks the end of this film:

IN REALITY
Conveniently not shown: the blown-off limbs and swaths of flesh burned from dozens of victims during each blast. A similar event at a golf course in Belgium in 1968 (when a gas main detonated under the green) killed 36 people, four of which were impaled with hole flag staffs. If you still think this is funny, just imagine your best friend standing above one of these bombs, having his genitals blown upward, the testicles lodging in his brain like a pair of musket balls. Hardly cause for laughter.

The Revenge of the Nerds Panty Raid (1984)

IN THE FILM
After becoming the victims of a mild prank, our lovable nerds get revenge on the Pi Delta Pi sorority by storming into their home and committing several dozen counts of hilarious sexual assault.

In the course of the panty raid/home invasion the nerds install surveillance cameras in the bedrooms and bathrooms of the sorority.

IN REALITY
With a live feed to their living room, the nerds apparently masturbated to the unknowing Pi's for twelve straight hours, with one of the the nerds, a young boy, being forced to watch.

The Ghostbusters Marshmallow Disaster (1984)

IN THE FILM
After the heroes blast apart the giant Stay-Puft Marshmallow man, we see an avalanche of molten marshmallow splatter to the street below, burying the Snidely Whiplash-esque villain of the film, Walter Peck:

IN REALITY
The sugars in marshmallow melt at a white-hot 350 degrees Fahrenheit. The victim's experience would be similar to being dropped in a deep-fryer. How many New York City burn units were filled before someone realized the Ghostbusters should have subdued the Marshmallow Man with some kind of net, at which point the creature's body could have been safely cut into small pieces for consumption by the populace?

Big's child abduction horror (1988)

IN THE FILM
A young boy protagonist leaves home for a wacky misadventure in the body of an adult Tom Hanks:

...leaving his legal guardian to assume her son has been kidnapped.

IN REALITY
While we're watching Hanks dance on a toy keyboard at FAO Schwartz, his poor mother is popping anti-depressants and waiting to receive a ransom note wrapped around her son's severed finger and imagining her pride and joy being sold on the Thai sex market.

It should also be noted that later in the film a middle-aged woman tries to seduce Hanks, knowing he has the intellect of a 12 year-old:

The Home Alone assault (1990)

IN THE FILM
This film is a festival of human mutilation, with the two burglars getting impaled with nails, bashed in the skull with heavy objects and scorched with a blowtorch.

Perhaps the most disturbing, though, is Harry (Joe Pesci) getting shot in the scrotum with a pellet gun.

IN REALITY
At close range an airgun has more than enough velocity to break the skin. Beyond the unimaginable pain of the projectile punching through the testicle, we have the long-term toxic effects of the lead pellet. The metal is known to be toxic to sperm, corrupting the genetic code of the cells and ensuring that all of Harry's offspring would be born with gross deformities. All so McCauley Culkin can protect the frivolous, insured possessions of his super-wealthy parents.

The Toy Story sentient toy paradox (1995)

IN THE FILM
So Tom Hanks' cowboy doll character, Woody, is infatuated with a Little Bo Peep figurine:

They flirt, they kiss.

IN REALITY
Neither character has functioning genitalia. Here we have a raging sexual urge in a creature that has no mechanism for release, even masturbation. And if you think that is the darkest horror, you've not considered that the sentient toys in this story have no internal organs that can fail and bring on death. These cursed beings are doomed to live on, self-aware, as they are eaten by a pet dog and passed through its digestive system, then thrown in the trash and then buried under a stinking landfill for 1,000 years.

There's Something About Mary dogfight (1998)

IN THE FILM
We're willing to forgive the genital mutilation issue in the scene when a small dog bites Ben Stiller ferociously in the groin.

It is, after all, Ben Stiller.

IN REALITY
There is nothing funny about a dog ingesting human semen from the punctured testes. If the dog, a female, then licks its own groin, it is entirely possible to impregnate itself from the sperm residue on its tongue. Since humans and canines are almost identical genetically, the dog would almost certainly give birth to a human/dog horror hybrid, a creature doomed to live in the shadows, raiding hen houses for food until it is finally caught and burned by villagers.

American Pie 2 penis glue (2001)

IN THE FILM
This film lets Jim (Jason Biggs) off easy after he is portrayed as gluing his hand to his penis using an enormous quantity of super glue:

IN REALITY
There would have been no separating the fused skin, and doctors would have had the unenviable choice of either amputating the penis (impossible for excretory reasons) or severing the hand at the wrist, leaving the disembodied fist forever clenched around Jim's member. Eventually the hand's flesh would rot away, leaving behind bone and giving the appearance he was forever being masturbated by a skeleton.

American Wedding turd taster (2003)

IN THE FILM
Seann William Scott winds up in a socially awkward situation where he is forced to eat a dog turd:

IN REALITY
Intestinal parasites are extremely common in canine feces. These tiny worms, often harmless in pets, can have devastating effects on a human. The parasites feast on the rich human diet and experience horrific growth in size and numbers, until they seep into the blood stream and nest in the brain. They then gain total control over the host's thoughts and behavior, usually inducing him or her to run for some kind of public office.


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David Wong is the editor and head writer of the popular comedy site Pointless Waste of Time.
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