The Horror Behind The Comedy

Our resident medical expert, Dr. Wong, explains how that charming little scene from your favorite comedy could spell intestinal parasites, third degree burns and sperm toxicity out here in the in the real world. Read on for the horrifying truth.

The Animal House Parade Rape (1978)

During the fraternity's violent assault on a parade, a scantily-dressed marching girl is flung into an open window, where she lands on the bed of a small boy:

Upon seeing her, the boy looks to the heavens and exclaims, "Thank you, God!"

The "god" he was praying to was apparently Phallux, the Haitian god of rape. The scene mercifully cuts away so we do not witness the gruesome sexual assault that apparently follows. We can only hope that the girl was able to first find some kind of weapon with which to kill the boy.

The Caddyshack Golf Course Terror Attack (1980)

A golf course rigged with high explosive leads to the orgy of destruction that marks the end of this film:

Conveniently not shown: the blown-off limbs and swaths of flesh burned from dozens of victims during each blast. A similar event at a golf course in Belgium in 1968 (when a gas main detonated under the green) killed 36 people, four of which were impaled with hole flag staffs. If you still think this is funny, just imagine your best friend standing above one of these bombs, having his genitals blown upward, the testicles lodging in his brain like a pair of musket balls. Hardly cause for laughter.

The Revenge of the Nerds Panty Raid (1984)

After becoming the victims of a mild prank, our lovable nerds get revenge on the Pi Delta Pi sorority by storming into their home and committing several dozen counts of hilarious sexual assault.

In the course of the panty raid/home invasion the nerds install surveillance cameras in the bedrooms and bathrooms of the sorority.

With a live feed to their living room, the nerds apparently masturbated to the unknowing Pi's for twelve straight hours, with one of the the nerds, a young boy, being forced to watch.

The Ghostbusters Marshmallow Disaster (1984)

After the heroes blast apart the giant Stay-Puft Marshmallow man, we see an avalanche of molten marshmallow splatter to the street below, burying the Snidely Whiplash-esque villain of the film, Walter Peck:

The sugars in marshmallow melt at a white-hot 350 degrees Fahrenheit. The victim's experience would be similar to being dropped in a deep-fryer. How many New York City burn units were filled before someone realized the Ghostbusters should have subdued the Marshmallow Man with some kind of net, at which point the creature's body could have been safely cut into small pieces for consumption by the populace?

Recommended For Your Pleasure

To turn on reply notifications, click here


The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!