The 8 Greatest Makeshift Movie Weapons
The stalwarts of most action heroes' go-to movie weapons-automatic rifles, flamethrowers, lightsabers-might look good onscreen, but they can be unreliable. Guns run out of bullets, flamethrowers can explode suddenly, and lightsabers go through more batteries than a college sorority house.
This means that, in the very likely event that, at one point or another, you're going to engage in a climactic fight to the death with your nemesis, chances are good that you'll have to get creative. Using common household objects as implements of death shows your adversary a level resourcefulness, cunning and sheer ingenuity they'll have to respect, even as they're trying to kill you. You've got to be the sort of person who looks at a weed whacker and has a light bulb pop up over your head, and is able to then grab that light bulb and use it to kill someone.
So to prepare for your inevitable date with an army of rivals who for some reason will stop at nothing to kill you, here are the 8 greatest homemade weapons in movie history.
#8.
The oxygen tank from Jaws
In the Peter Benchley novel, Quint stabs the shark with a harpoon and kills him, but his foot gets tangled in one of the barrels, drags him under and drowns him. Since Steven Spielberg was presumably wholly unaware that the original ending was a not-so-subtle nod to Moby Dick, or that a book called Moby Dick was ever written, he decided to end the film adaptation with a big explosion instead:
In the final moments of the movie it's down to just Chief Brody and the shark. He stuffs an oxygen tank in the Great White's massive mouth, crawls up the crow's nest as the Orca sinks, calls the shark a son of a bitch and BOOM! Lucky for Brody, Jaws the killer shark is no more. Unlucky for the audience, Jaws the unstoppable film franchise is followed by three more sequels that made audiences want to blow up their neighborhood Cineplex.
How It Is Useful Against Your Enemies
Thanks to a recent episode of Mythbusters and a behind-the-scenes feature included with the Jaws Special Edition DVD in which Spielberg makes Richard Dreyfuss hold an oxygen tank in his mouth while Spielberg shoots at it, we now know that puncturing an oxygen tank does nothing to turn your enemies into shark chum. The shark will have a pretty wicked little head rush while it eats you though, so there's that.
#7.
The frying pan from Kill Bill Vol. 1
After being shot and left for dead, The Bride (Uma Thurman) is more thirsty for revenge than a Kennedy is for beer, and she begins her search by venturing to a quaint Pasadena family home. When Vivica A. Fox (A.K.A. "Copperhead") opens the door, a brutal fight ensues that is equal parts QVC and UFC:
Copperhead lunges with a kitchen knife that you can almost hear Susan Sommers hawking, and the Bride fends it off with a frying pan in a move straight out of the Julia Child Guide to Kicking Ass.
How It Is Useful Against Your Enemies
A frying pan is big and heavy, it's got an ergonomic handle perfect for swinging, and makes a very satisfying "thud" when it connects with your enemy's skull. There's also something about a frying pan that just screams "Clobber someone with me, you know you want to!" It's probably buried deep in our brains from all those Looney Tunes shorts we watched as kids, though we're hoping that isn't true because it'll just give Jack Thompson another excuse to talk.
what about george clooney's jack hammer in from dusk til dawn?
ReplyThe drill in Body Double. Downside: Don't let it come unplugged.
Replyid say riddicks teacup. It was the only good part in that movie.
ReplyYou could also count the rusty coat hanger that Method man is gonna shove up your ass like tttssssssssss.
Reply"Sheriff Buford Pusser's two by four , which he uses exclusively to hit the faces of anyone vaguely evil-looking, makes any stick Teddy Roosevelt carried look minisule and ineffective in comparison."
...Isn't this Cracked?
Sounds like it, but I doubt what the rock does in the action movie could pale in comparison to what Teddy could do with a damn toothpick.
What about the quadbarrel sawed-off shotgun with V-shaped barrel layout, attached flashlight, and forward handle from Phantasms 2-4? Yes, you only get one shot at a time, but that shot is from all 4 barrels and can clear a room full of zombies. Plus, the gun itself can be used as a weapon. The V-shape cut into the barrels is sharp, and actually cut Angus Scrimm in one take when he grabbed gun from Reggie. It could be used to run the enemy through...
ReplyAlso, chainsaws are not lightweight. They tend to weigh around 10-20 lbs. At least, real chainsaws are that heavy. I'm not sure about those wussy electric ones...
And why is it that when you edit a comment, it removes all of the line breaks and makes everything a single paragraph?
Where's the icicle from Die Hard 2?!
ReplyDead Alive should have been higher, if only because it evokes fond childhood memories of watching with my dad while eating sloppy joe.
ReplyHow about the tire iron from Night of the Living Dead? I'm sure it might have been mentioned 200 posts down but you have to admit its a pretty good weapon (that can both stab and bludgeon).
ReplyI remember me and my brother would joke around about grabbing the Tire Iron from the back of his truck if someone tried to start some Shit.
Having read the official guide to Star Wars gadgets back in the day, those sorority girls must have a hell of a time making it to classes, as the battery life of a lightsaber has been stated as 22 YEARS.
Replystop ruining my sorority girl fantasies
You omitted the teacup from The Chronicles of Riddick. Unforgivable.
ReplyAnd in its place he puts the chainsaw from evil dead. I was expecting things that weren't meant to be weapons on this list. I'm pretty sure metal teeth strapped to a belt that spins at 300 miles an hour on a sword-shaped contraption is considered a weapon.
I've always held the mantra that everything can be used a weapon... I feel like movies don't touch on this enough! When push comes to shove any physical object can at least be used to bludgeon someone to death. If not, go for the eyes!
ReplyFingering to death? :))
I think it was made after this article, but the camera guy in Quarantine beat the hell out of quite a few zombies with his camera. Only memorable scene from that movie.
ReplyStop posting videos that don't work... just do a little research. Every video in this article is not viewable.
ReplyMind you that this was made in 2007. The videos might have been just fine back then, and things can happen in four years.
check the date. This is a Flashback article first published in 2007.
Good article, but you were just a little bit off on the chainsaw. They are actually a bit heavy and they can become tiring to use after a short while, especially if you're swinging one around. But hey, whatever, this is a movie. The chainsaw was a great idea.
ReplyMy favorite weapon would defiantly be the leg-stump-gun from Planet Terror.
ReplyTrue, but it loses a lot of for being attached to Rose McGowan.
They left out Richard Kiel as the title character in "Egah!" using an in-ground swimming pool ladder as a weapon!
ReplyWow, an Eegah! reference. MST3K to the rescue.
Thanks for mentioning MST3k, now I cannot stop humming the "He tried to kill me with a forklift" song..which is relevant to the article as well.
My favorite weapon is probably the lollipop from Trick 'r Treat.
Replynone of the vids work
ReplyThis article is four years old.
The Wii game MadWorld totally stole the chainsaw hand idea. Its all good though, cause the s**t they did with it deserved the M-rating it got.
ReplyOne thing of note: John Cusack is a black belt in tae kwon do. The dude who kicks him in the face in "Say Anything" is Don "The Dragon" Wilson (who he frequently sparred with)
ReplyAnd it's a sad step down that the guy he gives the pen job to in GPB is a character named "Felix La PuBelle" which is bastardized french for "Felix the Trashcan."
I just love that scene for its connection to "Say Anything." When Cusack stabs the guy, all I can think is "I gave her my heart and she gave me a pen."