Walker versus Lazarus
Combatants: Walker (Chuck Norris) versus Lazarus (Roger Yuan)
Why it sucks: Chuck Norris is a karate champion that could certainly beat all of us in a fight. And with that seedy beard sloppily draped on his apish face, he looks like the type that enjoys beating the shit out of people just for the heck of it. Paradoxically, he has done so much in his television and movie work for the lame fight scene genre. This scene serves as a perfect example why: they all look like they are filmed on a budget raised from loose change found in Norris’s couch. This brief clip includes terrible dialogue, unimaginative repeated kicking, and one of the cheapest sets ever. Note carefully at the end of the clip that when Norris throws Lazarus through the door, he actually breaks the plywood replica in half.
Highlight: Walker disarms the gun-toting Lazarus with a quick arm twist that somehow manages to toss him thirty feet across the room.
3. Star Trek Voyager
Tuvok versus Nameless Extras
Combatants: Tuvok (Tim Russ) versus a bunch of extras
Why it sucks: There is just no way a good fracas can start with the line “Tuvok’s taking me into custody.”We already talked about how lousy high school fights are and nerd fights are even worse. So when a show made by nerds for nerds has a fight scene, you might as well hand it a cane before viewing because it is guaranteed to be lame. Fortunately, the cinematographer seems almost as clueless as the fight choreographer for this episode of Voyager, so we are spared from the full wretchedness of this struggle because we are watching it in near-complete darkness.
Highlight: Tuvok’s over-the-shoulder judo throw. Michael Richards better not insult any black Vulcans because those guys can fight.
Amish Harrison Ford versus Street Toughs
Combatants: John Book (Harrison Ford) versus a bunch of Pennsylvania Dutch Country street toughs
Why it sucks: How can we put the man behind some of the greatest fightin’ characters in the history of the movies on a list of lamest fight scenes? Because Harrison Ford doesn’t seem to realize he’s no longer playing any of those characters. He’s not Indiana Jones or Hans Solo here, he is supposed to be a guy pretending he’s Amish. So when Ford exudes his Solo-esque bravado marching up to bad news hoodlums, it is hard not to laugh. After all, he’s wearing suspenders and marching from a small horse-drawn carriage, not the Millennium Falcon.
Highlight: What must be one of the greatest Amish put-downs in film: “Hey watch it Frank, he’s gonna hit you with his bible.”