How To Win an Oscar
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Sure, plenty of actors have been nominated because they were the right person for the right part at the right time. But if your crippling cocaine habit has decreased your patience level to zero, here are four quick, easy and time-tested ways to get the nod in a hurry and increase your chances of winning.
FRENCH A MEMBER OF YOUR OWN SEX
WHY: Because peer pressure works. If an Academy member doesn't vote for an actor playing a gay character, his uber-PC liberal Hollywood guilt will plague him for years.
EXAMPLES: Tom Hanks, Philadelphia (WON); Hilary Swank, Boys Don't Cry (WON); Heath Ledger, Brokeback Mountain; Stephen Rea, The Crying Game
IMITATE A DEAD GUY
WHY: Because if you're not talented, and the people making the film aren't talented, nobody will notice because you're invoking someone who really was talented.
EXAMPLES: Philip Seymour Hoffman, Capote (WON); Joaquin Phoenix, Walk the Line; Will Smith, Ali; Ed Harris, Pollock
PLAY AN INSULTING BLACK CARICATURE
WHY: Because a guy like Denzel Washington-who's played everything from Othello to a naval officer-only gets nominated when he plays a criminal, a boxer or a slave.
EXAMPLES: Morgan Freeman, Million Dollar Baby (WON) (homeless ex-boxer); Terrence Howard, Hustle & Flow (pimp); Halle Berry, Monster's Ball (WON) (single mother); Djimon Hounsou, In America (shirtless and crazy)
ACT LIKE YOU'RE RETARDED
WHY: Because it's really easy and the critics eat it up. Invoke your sixth grade impression: just pretend like your trying to bite your ear, grunt a lot and sit back and wait to be nominated.
EXAMPLES: Sean Penn, I Am Sam; Tom Hanks, Forrest Gump (WON), Billy Bob Thornton, Sling Blade; Leonardo DiCaprio, What's Eating Gilbert Grape
Mostly agree with this but...Capote was a seriously good movie. Very rarely do movies actually give me chills like that one did.
ReplyIt's September 2011 and Muhammad Ali isn't dead. Brain: Clive Bannister doesn't have a very big one.
ReplyMuhammad Ali's not dead. but still funny
ReplyI disagree with #2 (well partially). It's a good way to get a nom, but all the examples you listed were all really good (especially Hoffman. He must have used a damn Ouija board and channeled Truman Capote's spirit or something).
ReplyCracked has never written a funny article about movies. It's almost like the administrators hate good cinema.
ReplyActually, the first Oscar winner who played a retarded character was Cliff "Uncle Ben" Robertson, way back in 1968.
ReplyThe whole 'you have to see/love this movie because the guy's retarded!' thing pisses me off. Sorry for the unfortunate brain damage, but that doesn't mean I have to suffer through 90 minutes of some handicap's drama on whether he should be allowed to make a cup of fucking coffee or not, or raise a child, et cetera. Which, the answer to that is: no, he should not.
Reply"mystery-asteroid-terrorist-disaster-thriller" = Judgment Day?
ReplyMario Van Peebles...the greatest actor of our time. Where is his Oscar?
You forgot the movie that started the whole retarded=Oscar phenomenon: Rain Man.
ReplyI dont like to point out inaccuracies in your awesome articles but to show respect to the legend: Ali is not dead!!!!!
ReplyThere were other ways that were left out: Play a drug addict or have some sort substance abuse problem. Die in the movie, preferably in a tragic manner. Play a whore. Be handicapped.
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