Cracked's 2007 Oscar Rundown

A lengthy and ponderous film about humanity's dependency on one another to function, Babel wisely decides to convey this by forcing to not care about anybody presented to us in the film. What better way to wean us off this dependency? Director Alejandro González Iñárritu also manages the enviable task of making Brad Pitt look like he can actually say things without mouthing the words to himself first.

The Departed
Initially, the problem of how to have Matt Damon in a film with Jack Nicholson without the disparity in acting talent being glaringly obvious seems insurmountable. Luckily, dependable Oscar repellent Martin Scorsese jumps this hurdle by having Jack Nicholson chew every piece of scenery available, making Damon's performance look astonishingly nuanced and not-retarded.

Letters From Iwo Jima
Carrying on the proud tradition of nominating films nobody cared about when they were released, Letters From Iwo Jima manages to score a nod despite ranking somewhere between Dennis Kucinich’s presidential candidacy and Tom Selleck’s third cousin’s laundry hamper on the public awareness scale.

Little Miss Sunshine
This heartwarming tale tells the story of a family that breaks dozens of federal and state laws by stealing the corpse of an old pervy guy who taught a little girl to strip while he was high. If Sunshine doesn’t warm your heart, that's probably a good sign that your priorities are in order and that you're a functioning, loving member of society.

The Queen
In the wake of Lady Diana Spencer’s untimely death, Queen Elizabeth is forced to wrestle with her emotions in restrained British fashion. The Queen is perfect for people looking for the inside story on what irrelevant old people think about women who die in car wrecks. It's like hanging out at a senior citizen's home and asking about dead relatives, but with popcorn!


In a surprise upset victory, the not-even-nominated, thoroughly awful Date Movie secures the win through a write-in campaign, prompting director Aaron Seltzer to launch into a teary-eyed acceptance speech thanking Jesus Christ for guiding his hand in its making. Justin Timberlake appears soon after to announce a new Oscar-hosted reality TV series that will force nominees to live in the same house for a month and allow viewers to pick next year's Oscar winners simply by paying money for the privelege.

Sub-competent viewers across America throw their jerky into the air with joy, ripping off their bibs and hugging one another with the knowledge that the Academy is willing to pander to them for better ratings. Everybody else, horrified and confused at this idiotic turn of events, finally find something better to do with their Sunday nights. Ellen Degeneres says something harmless and not very funny, smiles like she invented hugs, big orchestral swell, and credits.

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