Babel A lengthy and ponderous film about humanity's dependency
on one another to function, Babel wisely decides to convey this
by forcing to not care about anybody presented to us in the film.
What better way to wean us off this dependency? Director Alejandro
González Iñárritu also manages the enviable
task of making Brad Pitt look like he can actually say things without
mouthing the words to himself first.
The Departed Initially, the problem of how to have Matt Damon in a film
with Jack Nicholson without the disparity in acting talent being
glaringly obvious seems insurmountable. Luckily, dependable Oscar
repellent Martin Scorsese jumps this hurdle by having Jack Nicholson
chew every piece of scenery available, making Damon's performance
look astonishingly nuanced and not-retarded.
Letters From Iwo Jima
Carrying on the proud tradition of nominating films nobody cared
about when they were released, Letters From Iwo Jima manages
to score a nod despite ranking somewhere between Dennis Kucinich’s
presidential candidacy and Tom Selleck’s third cousin’s
laundry hamper on the public awareness scale.
Little Miss Sunshine This heartwarming tale tells the story of a family that
breaks dozens of federal and state laws by stealing the corpse of
an old pervy guy who taught a little girl to strip while he was
high. If Sunshine doesn’t warm your heart, that's
probably a good sign that your priorities are in order and that
you're a functioning, loving member of society.
The Queen In the wake of Lady Diana Spencer’s untimely death,
Queen Elizabeth is forced to wrestle with her emotions in restrained
British fashion. The Queen is perfect for people looking
for the inside story on what irrelevant old people think about women
who die in car wrecks. It's like hanging out at a senior citizen's
home and asking about dead relatives, but with popcorn!
AND THE OSCAR GOES TO...
a surprise upset victory, the not-even-nominated, thoroughly awful Date
Movie secures the win through a write-in campaign, prompting director
Aaron Seltzer to launch into a teary-eyed acceptance speech thanking Jesus
Christ for guiding his hand in its making. Justin Timberlake appears soon
after to announce a new Oscar-hosted reality TV series that will force
nominees to live in the same house for a month and allow viewers to pick
next year's Oscar winners simply by paying money for the privelege.
Sub-competent viewers across America throw their jerky into the air with
joy, ripping off their bibs and hugging one another with the knowledge
that the Academy is willing to pander to them for better ratings. Everybody
else, horrified and confused at this idiotic turn of events, finally find
something better to do with their Sunday nights. Ellen Degeneres says
something harmless and not very funny, smiles like she invented hugs,
big orchestral swell, and credits.