8 Summer Blockbusters Guaranteed to Disappoint
We know what you're thinking: "Wait, the summer movie season isn't over yet?"
Nope. In fact, we're barely at the halfway mark. But with the current pump-'em-out weekly blockbuster release pace, and the frenetic advertising carpet-bombing we've endured for each, you'd be forgiven for wishing it was September already.
And hey, why shouldn't it be? Below, we've taken a look at the rest of the summer blockbuster crop, and given some compelling reasons why you should stay indoors until September.
#1.
Live Free or Die Hard (June 27)
The Case For: Maybe we're just burned out on all the pasty twentysomethings named "Tobey" and "Skeet" starring in our action movies for the last decade, all of whom look like Bruce Willis could bench-press them while eating a sandwich, but we'll come right out and say it: We miss invulnerable supercop John McClane. We would like to see this man drive a car into a helicopter.
The Case Against: Twelve years ago, Willis couldn't make Die Hard: With a Vengeance work as a buddy cop flick with a genuine badass like Samuel L. Jackson. It'd be nothing short of a miracle if he manages to pull it off with hipster doofus Justin Long, a sassy kidnapped daughter, and a PG-13 rating here.
Verdict: "Hi! I'm an aging action star with no real grasp on the basis of his fans' love for his own franchise!"
"And I'm a Mac!"
If We'd Made It: We'd have cast Bruce's real-life daughter Rumer Willis as Lucy McClane and his ex-wife's young new husband Ashton Kutcher as her lover. You'd get to spend the whole two hours watching Bruce Willis slowly going legitimately insane, and they probably would have had to finish the movie with body doubles after he finally snapped and beat Kutcher to death in the middle of filming.
#2 must have been crap. I can't even remember it existing.
ReplyWell, at least it's better than him (Robin Williams) getting his daughter to star in some embarrassing video game adverts.
Oh, wait.
8 pages for 8 things? Damn, this site was a dick in 2007.
ReplyIt's funny reading these predictions now, especially for the Transformers. The Die Hard one was right though
ReplyIt's been 5 years, I want to see what he has for this summer (and how wrong he'd be!)
ReplyIn hindsight, a lot of these ended up being good movies.
ReplyI am a fan of Transformers and The Bourne books. I didn't think the movie was too bad, actually. Yes, somewhat pointless at times, but still more entertaining than a lot of other movies. Just my opinion.
ReplyWow! Your crystal ball must be on the fritz Dude because there are SO many things in this list you got totally wrong! The Transformers spoke and we did indeed get subjected to an animated 10 year old wang! Maybe next time you'll actually WATCH the movies (instead of just the trailers) and save yourself the embarrassment Jay?
ReplyYou realize he wrote this BEFORE the movies came out?
It's funny to look back at this. In my opinion, only 2 and 5 were bad.
ReplyI've solved it, The Simpsons Movie creaters read this article, look at each other and said, "Well, you know what? f**k this guy!" They then added in the 10 year old boy nudity. This has to be the reason they poured Xenomorph blood all over my childhood..... has to..... right? guys?
Replyspelled creators wrong.... well have at me then internet people....
not to mention the part where he said you could do it for free at home on the couch like homer with itchy and scratchy
HP5 did pretty well. It's the worst-reviewed Harry Potter film (78% on Rotten Tomatoes) but it was still good.
ReplyThe Bourne films were a pathetic attempt by Hollywood to jazz up the books (which were brilliant, and had already been brought to the screen)
ReplyI watched the 1st Bourne movie, found it decent but pointless and forgettable. Curiosity drove me to read the book - and it was jaw-droppingly brilliant! How did they jettison ALL the plot, depth, and complexity, and come up with a routine, ludicrously edited action flick. Shame Hollywood, shame.
I find them all to be poor reviews (except for The Bourne Ultimatum, which I haven't actually seen, so I cannot pass judgment on). In Transformers, they all talked (except for Bumblebee).
ReplyEven Bumblebee talked at the end.
Order of the Phoenix kicked ass. That one was wrong. The rest were mostly spot-on.
ReplyI am dissapoint.
ReplyI´d say two items were spot on, three didn´t really disappoint, and the rest didn´t have high enough expectations to disappoint for sucking to begin with.
ReplyThis is funny to read now because half of the assumptions they made here are wrong. "Transformers don't talk." "Bart doesn't show his dick." Except he DID.
Reply"Rush Hour 3: On The Moon" sounds like it would have been a really good idea.
ReplyHey! Harry Potter and the Order of the PENIS!! AmIright??
ReplyAre you insinuating Seth Rogen is funny? Because if you are, you've lost me entirely.
Replyhahahaa I doubt I'm the first to point this out, but you were wrong about the Simpsons movie....... boy were you wrong......
ReplyNot... really. It did well, no doubt, but it wasn't particularly good. It had a few amusing gags, but for the most part it was on par with 3 or 4 random episodes of the show (fewer if they are from the first few seasons)
bobbiwib was talking about Bart being naked