Are you a high-level public figure who's just been fired because of gross incompetence, a homosexually-charged sex scandal and/or just generally acting like an asshole? Sure you are! But when you're forced to tuck your tail between your old, bloated, white legs and announce why you've "decided" to leave your cushy job, what's the best way to go out?
Fear not-CRACKED has carefully studied recent history to surmise the classiest methods of involuntarily throwing in the towel.
METHOD #1: BLAME YOUR FAMILY
Primary Technique: Say you want to spend more time with your family (the members of which probably hate you by now anyway, but don't mention that part).
Groveling, pathetic variations of "I want to spend more time with my family" have become synonymous with forced resignations, much the same way that "I can't comment on an ongoing investigation" has become synonymous with "Yep, the Bush Administration committed another wacky felony!"
A great recent example comes from ass-chinned former Steelers coach Bill Cowher (right), who pulled off a perfect execution of this classic move in January after half-heartedly steering the '06 Super Bowl champs to the bottom of the AFC. How'd we decide which of the hundreds of fitting examples to use here? We'll let the sweater do the talking.
METHOD #2: LICK YOUR BOSS' ENTIRE UNDERCARRIAGE
Primary Technique: Kiss your boss's ass, kiss it passionately, and don't be afraid to explore other nearby areas with your tongue.
If you've agreed to forfeit your high-profile job, you might as well forfeit your testicle-pouch as well. After all, doing so might secure you that nice severance package you were hoping for. Or-as in Donald Rumsfeld's case (left)-it might grant you the pleasure of living the rest of your life in peace, instead of in the windowless basement of a secret CIA prison which, if you've never been there before, is strikingly similar to that crotch-electrocution dungeon in Lethal Weapon.
As far as we can tell, Rummy's still alive; so the Undercarriage-Lick is a safe option to use, although an unbearably humiliating one: