A Beginner's Guide to Narcotics

How many times have you been at a party, and someone's said to you "Hey, Cornelius! Do you want a swiftie of Uncle Coomber's Merry-Faced Loinsbuster" and you've had absolutely no idea what they were on about? Well, that person was trying to sell you narcotics. Yes, narcotics. Wow, that was a close shave, wasn't it? But there are more out there, and in this day and age, drug culture moves so fast that an expert now will be a novice by this evening.

But not all is lost. You can still learn the basics with this handy guide detailing five of the most common types of drug. By the end you're not going to be a smaller-mouthed Steve Tyler, but at least we can give you a heads up the next time someone asks you if you have any Powdered Grey Burmese Fighting Geese.


HEROIN

Nicknames: Funpuff; Cupcakes; China's Mortification

Effects: It gives the user an intense feeling of euphoria, followed by a period of relaxation so extreme one's buttocks are in danger of involuntarily parting, bringing a risk of acute social embarrassment for the user.

Warnings: It can turn you into a mincing tit or convince you that you are a hugely gifted and significant musician, and thus by sitting around, being edgy and occasionally strumming a guitar, you're making a difference to the world and will be remembered.

Ingredients: Hamsters, 80s style leg warmers, liquidated fenceposts and China's colonial innocence.

Famous Users: Kurt Cobain (dead); Gram Parsons (dead); Keith Richards (alive, supposedly); Pete Doherty (alive, sadly); Lord Byron (dead and was totally bonkers anyway. And he might have been a bit of a whoopsie, which just goes to show what this stuff can do to you).

Street Value: Quite a bit, actually.



COCAINE

Nicknames: The Admiral's Daughter; Hemingway's Elusive Nose Slicer

Effects: It makes the user very confident and talkative — the life of the party. It will also heighten the senses, predominantly the sixth sense. Really, the film totally changes if you watch it with your nose crammed full of Colombia's finest.

Warnings: Whilst you think you're being confident, talkative and the life of the party, you are in fact a constantly gurning and sniffing asshat. No one wants to be your friend, but you mistake their disdain for adulation. Also, you nose may explode at any given moment.

Ingredients: Flour, baking soda, water, icing sugar, almonds, raisins and butter. Mix together and place in a preheated oven at 190 degrees for twenty minutes or until golden brown.

Famous Users: Whitney Houston (singer, lunatic); Sherlock Holmes (fictional detective, pipe-smoker); Stephen King (probably accounts for Tommyknockers and most of The Stand); Sigmund Freud (psychiatrist, dude with issues).

Street Value: Depends on how well it's risen in the oven.



LSD

Nicknames: The Spaceman's Potpourri, Roasted Happy, Vanilla Iced Tea

Effects: LSD causes hallucinations of everything from baby unicorns to football sized radishes, from a seven legged table to an amalgamation of Rosie O'Donnell and Macho Man Randy Savage, all for the enjoyment of the user.

Warnings: How would you feel if an amalgamation of Rosie O'Donnell and Macho Man Randy Savage came running at you with a radish the size of your face? That's right, you'd soil yourself and start screaming. Also: Ozzy Osbourne.

Ingredients: Air biscuits and rainbow juice.

Famous Users: Allegedly, family-friendly retard Mr. Osbourne took it every day for five years and now he can't feel his back. Also the Beatles may have possibly dabbled and Condoleeza Rice nailed it on her recent tour of the Middle East.

Street Value: Pretty expensive. Rainbow Juice is hard to come by at the best of times.



MARIJUANA

Nicknames: Groovebunnies; Semolina Hands

Effects: It makes all those old seventies records sound like what they're meant to sound like. It also creates a slight feeling of hunger, leading to late night trips to the all-night supermarket.

Warnings: Those aren't just slight hunger pangs. They're so bad you'd eat your own mother if you could find your way out of her basement. And those late night food expeditions are directly responsible for the creation of "Harold and Kumar Get The Munchies". Also, you will find yourself saying 'man' at the end of every sentence.

Ingredients: Your parent's broken dreams of sending you to a respectable college.

Famous Users: Matthew McConnaughey (actor, bongo enthusiast); Willie Nelson (singer, foe of shampoos); Snoop Dogg (rapper, women's rights activist); Aaron Sorkin (TV producer, lover of feeling superior to you); The Black Crowes (musicians, apparently); Tommy Chong (actor, looks homeless).

Street Value: It depends on the status of the college your parents hoped to send you to.



ECSTASY

Nicknames: Elliot Gould's Golden Hammer Of Midnight; The Chocolate Chip Cookie Of Partyland

Effects: It creates a state of a perpetual need to dance, in which the user will seek out new and raw beats, usually in underground clubs. Clubs that uncool people have never heard of.

Warnings: Again, we're back with the gurning, sweating asshat. It also makes the users penis floppier than a soggy piece of toilet paper, so you'd best not be planning any nefarious misdeeds with the Governor's eldest daughter.

Ingredients: Anything left behind after an army of bag ladies have stripped an area bare.

Famous Users: None. Famous people think ecstasy smells a bit funny and won't touch it, so make sure you don't offer it around when you attend an A-List bash or you'll find yourself with about as many friends as a bacon sandwich in a synagogue. Especially if the party is Mel Gibson's.

Street Value: It varies on the size of the pill. For a pill a foot wide, you'll pay no more than $10, but for a proper twenty metre long green and pink stripped pill, expect to fork out over $30, and that's not counting the cost of renting a flatbed truck to move the thing.

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