How many times have you been at a party, and someone's said to you "Hey, Cornelius! Do you want a swiftie of Uncle Coomber's Merry-Faced Loinsbuster" and you've had absolutely no idea what they were on about? Well, that person was trying to sell you narcotics. Yes, narcotics. Wow, that was a close shave, wasn't it? But there are more out there, and in this day and age, drug culture moves so fast that an expert now will be a novice by this evening.
But not all is lost. You can still learn the basics with this handy guide detailing five of the most common types of drug. By the end you're not going to be a smaller-mouthed Steve Tyler, but at least we can give you a heads up the next time someone asks you if you have any Powdered Grey Burmese Fighting Geese.
Nicknames: Funpuff; Cupcakes; China's Mortification
Effects: It gives the user an intense feeling of euphoria, followed by a period of relaxation so extreme one's buttocks are in danger of involuntarily parting, bringing a risk of acute social embarrassment for the user.
Warnings: It can turn you into a mincing tit or convince you that you are a hugely gifted and significant musician, and thus by sitting around, being edgy and occasionally strumming a guitar, you're making a difference to the world and will be remembered.
Ingredients: Hamsters, 80s style leg warmers, liquidated fenceposts and China's colonial innocence.
Famous Users: Kurt Cobain (dead); Gram Parsons (dead); Keith Richards (alive, supposedly); Pete Doherty (alive, sadly); Lord Byron (dead and was totally bonkers anyway. And he might have been a bit of a whoopsie, which just goes to show what this stuff can do to you).
Street Value: Quite a bit, actually.
Nicknames: The Admiral's Daughter; Hemingway's Elusive Nose Slicer
Effects: It makes the user very confident and talkative — the life of the party. It will also heighten the senses, predominantly the sixth sense. Really, the film totally changes if you watch it with your nose crammed full of Colombia's finest.
Warnings: Whilst you think you're being confident, talkative and the life of the party, you are in fact a constantly gurning and sniffing asshat. No one wants to be your friend, but you mistake their disdain for adulation. Also, you nose may explode at any given moment.
Ingredients: Flour, baking soda, water, icing sugar, almonds, raisins and butter. Mix together and place in a preheated oven at 190 degrees for twenty minutes or until golden brown.
Famous Users: Whitney Houston (singer, lunatic); Sherlock Holmes (fictional detective, pipe-smoker); Stephen King (probably accounts for Tommyknockers and most of The Stand); Sigmund Freud (psychiatrist, dude with issues).
Street Value: Depends on how well it's risen in the oven.