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There are three types of Hollywood homosexuals:

  • Loud and Proud (Rosie O'Donnell, John Waters, the fat unfunny guy from Last Comic Standing)
  • Quietly Contented (Richard Chamberlain, David Hyde Pierce, Sulu)
  • "Closeted As All Get Out" (Scientologists)

The last group may be open to the most speculation, but recently a new category has emerged: People whom everyone assumes are gay, but are in fact all about the opposite sex's poontang and peeners. Your ever diligent CRACKED team investigated* this hotbed** issue, and what we found will SHOCK AND AMAZE YOU. (Not that there's anything wrong with being straight.)

*Spent 10 minutes on Google
**Previously unheard-of

#10. Andy Dick

Why you think he might be gay: Claims to like dudes. Has made out with dudes. Prancy.

Why he's not: The above should be enough to cast some doubt, but it turns out Dick has three children by multiple women, making him at least way bisexual or a great faker. He's also been kicked off more TV shows for sexually assaulting female guests than anyone in the business (Jimmy Kimmel Live — Ivanka Trump; Comedy Central's Roast of William Shatner — Farrah Fawcett, Carrie Fisher and New York Post reporter Mandy Stadtmiller). If it came down to a choice between coke and cock, he wouldn't be snorting dicks up his nose, is all we're saying.

#9. Jude Law

Why you think he might be gay: Slim, well-dressed, pretty mouth, nice hair. Also, the following pictorial evidence:

Jude's the one in the center. Wow.

Why he's not: When neither ex-wife Sadie Frost nor fiancée Sienna Miller were close enough to mount, Jude notoriously made do with husky corn-fed nanny Daisy Wright:

If you're so hard up for pussy you can't wait for your smoking hot girlfriend to get home and decide to jump your kid's shovel-faced nanny instead… Yeah, it would appear you really like vaginas. A lot.

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#8. Jeff Garcia, Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Why you think he might be gay: It is long-standing tradition that the quarterback of whatever football team you hate is gay. Troy Aikman, Peyton Manning, Joe Montana-all so totally gay, according to various people sitting next to us at the bar watching Monday Night Football. Jeff Garcia isn't helped by the fact he comes off a little"¦ "festive" at times, which was pointed out rather ungraciously by former teammate Terrell Owens in a 2004 interview. Though we can't exactly blame him there. We recommend the Wheel of Fortune clip.

Why he's not: Earlier this year Garcia married long time girlfriend and Playboy Playmate Carmella DeCesare. In 2004, Carmella was arrested after karate-kicking one of Garcia's ex-girlfriends during a fight at an Ohio nightclub. The fight allegedly came about because Garcia was having an affair with his ex, and Carmella was so pissed that there were restraining orders involved. All the drama aside, when you've got insanely hot chicks beating the crap out of each other because they both want you so bad, you either really know how to lay the pipe, or you've hired the best beards in the entire universe. Sorry, haters, Terrell's just a whiny bitch. But you knew that already, right?

#7. Eddie Murphy

Why you think he might be gay: Was pulled over by cops after he "gave a ride" to a transvestite hooker packing more heat than Judge Reinhold in Beverly Hills Cop II.

Why he's not: Last year Eddie Murphy not only dated and impregnated "Scary Spice" Mel B, he also broke up with her via a Dutch television interview where he claimed the baby wasn't his. (Paternity tests later proved him wrong on that count—nice one, Eddie.) Unless you're the singer of "Billie Jean," saying you're not the baby-daddy is about as heterosexual as it gets. Not to mention classy.

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#6. Anne Heche

Why you think she might be gay: The whole "I'm a lesbian in love with Ellen DeGeneres" thing was a subtle tip-off.

Why she's not: Anne left a bad taste in the mouth of lesbians everywhere (again) when she left DeGeneres and married a cameraman she met during the filming of a documentary about Ellen's return to stand-up comedy (ouch for Ellen). Then she left that guy for a (male) co-star of her TV series Men in Trees. Oh, and somewhere in there she thought she was extraterrestrial Jesus, even publishing a book to that effect.

An excerpt from Call Me Crazy: A Memoir:

"In my mind, I became Jesus. I was called Celestia, the reincarnation of God"¦ No one could tell from the way I walked or talked that I was from the fourth dimension."

In summary: She may or not be gay (specifically, she's not), but she's sure as hell fucking crazy.

#5. Jake Gyllenhaal

Why you think he might be gay: SOMEONE'S gotta take the fall for Brokeback Mountain, and Heath Ledger got off the hook by knocking up that Dawson's Creek chick on-set.

Why he's not: Betus.com had Gyllenhaaaaaal listed at 5-2 odds of coming out, but then it turned out he's been nailing Kirsten Dunst off-and-on for a few years, has dated Natalie Portman and some Argentinean models, and most recently helped Reese Witherspoon get over effete ex-husband Ryan Phillipe (with his crotch). We're saying he's straight because if Gyllenhaal is just pretending to bang those chicks, that means a gay man got a lot further with a half-dozen of the hottest women on the planet than you, dear reader, ever will. And since that's sad enough to make you cry, for everyone's sake, Jake's straight, got it?

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#4. Oprah Winfrey

Why you think she might be gay: When, oh when will Oprah finally make an honest man out of Stedman? Is the wedding of the century being delayed because "The Big O" spends more time sharing a bed with best friend Gayle King on "girls only vacations" than with her alleged boyfriend? SCANDAL!

Why she's not: Did you know that Oprah once dated Roger Ebert? Isn't that a hilariously disturbing mental image? (Two thumbs up where?)

Anyway, if you're a woman who continues to sleep with men after dating Roger Ebert, it's probably pretty safe to say there's no chance of you going gay, ever. We'll chalk Oprah's gay rumors up to the same people who think Condoleezza Rice is a lesbian. Why you gotta bust on the strong black sistahs? Is it because you despise their power and influence? IS IT BECAUSE YOU ARE A BAD PERSON?

Condi, Opie, give us a call sometime. We're totally cool and know how to treat a lady. Word.

#3. Lindsay Lohan

Why you think she might be gay: Lohan's friendship with openly gay deejay pal, Samantha Ronson, got a little more detailed recently when Lohan's MySpace correspondence from rehab (yeah, that worked out well) was leaked to Star Magazine. Lohan allegedly told Ronson: "Babe, if I don't have you in my life then I should just go die... I want to marry you and have children with you."

Why she's not: Christ, what hot chick in her 20s ISN'T a lesbian? We're willing to buy her another shot of Cuervo and wait it out. That said, Lohan has famously bragged about spreading for nearly every male under 75 in the 90210 zip code, so in the end, we really don't think she's gay, we just think she's a big ol' honkin' slut.

Note: Should Lohan get jail time for her latest drinking/driving/pocket full of nasal kryptonite "incident," CRACKED reserves the right to shove her fully in the lesbo column at a later date.

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#2. Tom Cruise

Why you think he might be gay: Because you love getting sued?

Why he's not: Okay, we know we're going out on a limb on this one, but stick with us. Tom Cruise may have some problems with his man-junk. Mimi Rogers pretty much called him infertile on Letterman in '98, he was only able to adopt children with Nicole Kidman, and both women allegedly got pregnant the SECOND they divorced him, but that doesn't necessarily mean he's gay.

And hey, while we don't think that his kid with Katie Holmes is actually his (looks kinda Chinese, right?), we would like to officially be the first to say: Simply because Tom Cruise is shooting blanks, that doesn't mean he wants to shoot them down a dead-end street, if you get our drift. I mean, at least he was TRYING to impregnate some pretty hot ladies. Sure, he's less than a man, and completely loony in a couch-jumping, Xenu-loving sort of way, but a homosexual he is (probably) not.

#1. John Travolta

Why you think he might be gay: Scientologist, good dancer.

Why he's not: C'mon, Travolta was a babe magnet with all the moves in the '70s, second only to The Fonz for pure (if slightly greasy) Italian machismo. And he's married to cutie-hot Kelly Preston. How could you possibly think for a second he actually…

Was, uh…trying to conceal any sort of"¦


Ah, fuck it. We give up.

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