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Hey Rick, I've got a nasty cold. Say, is your wife sick? She isn't? You're sure? Huh, that's weird. How about your daughter?

Sorry Rick, I can't make it in today, my car's in the shop. Yeah, I'm getting sick rims put on. They're sick, Rick. Sick.

Sorry Rick, I'm going fishing today. Fishing for poon-tang! Ha ha ha! Yes, I'm being serious.

I have to drive my mom to get a colonoscopy. I know this is the fourth one this month, Rick. What can I say? She can't get enough of those crazy things.

Sorry Rick, I've had a hard-on all morning and I can't get rid of it. I think it might have something to do with Tom Hanks' new haircut. His hair 's been in my dreams all month, Rick. What? No, I'm straight. His hair just intrigues me.

Emeril is doing a show on lasagna and I wouldn't miss it if you paid me. Yeah, Rick, I know you do pay me, but if I come to work I'll have to TiVo it, and then someone will probably talk about the end before I can watch it. Do you want that on your head, Rick?

I'm so embarrassed, Rick. I crapped the bed last night. I'm telling you this because you're my best friend. I feel like I could tell you anything. Now tell me a secret, Rick. Tell me.

Dr. Phil said I should start off the day with a nice long cry. I've been trying to get the tears flowing, but I just can't seem to do it. I think I may be void of any real human emotions. Long story short, I'm going to the strip club for the rest of the day instead of work. Later, alligator!

All-day Mind of Mencia marathon on Comedy Central, Rick. What? No, ALL day! Me and the boys are playing a little drinking game; one sip for everytime he says "beaner" and two sips everythime he tells a racist joke. We're going to get so wasted. Except for my Irish friend. He can drink way more than the rest of us, I bet. What? No, because he's Irish. All Irish are drunks. I wish I had some Indian friends that could keep up with him. Hm? No, feather Indians, not dot Indians.

I'm taking a bus full of retards to "make your own pizza day" at the local pizzeria. Not only does it make me feel better about myself that I'm giving back to the community, but watching those adorable kids failing in something as shit-simple as making a pizza fills my heart with joy and laughter. What? Sure you can come.

I can't make it in today, Rick. No, I'm not sick. I'm avenging my step-brother Angelo's murder. Uh huh. Yeah, I guess it is pretty old school. Anyway, wish me luck.

Rachel Ray is doing a show on stuffed sausages. Wouldn't miss it if you paid me. Yeah, we've been over this. Rick, I know I have Tivo, but what if someone talks about it before I get to watch it? Then what? I'll never know how she stuffs sausages.

Sorry, Rick, but I have a job interview. I hope it goes well, I really want this other job. It's way better than the job I have now.

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