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LIST: The 159 Things That Bacon Makes Better

Bacon has left its imprint on the many who have indulged in the salty meat. It has vanquished all challengers. It turned away Sizzlelean and smote its most recent adversary: turkey bacon. Turkeys do not bacon make! No! But what does bacon make besides deliciousness?

We'll tell you what it makes! It makes boys into men, everyday Joes into motherfucking superheroes and breakfast into the best meal of the day! Everyone knows it, everyone loves it, and if you don't love bacon -- we will wrap our fists in raw pink strips of bacon and punch you in your communist mouth.

What follows is the most comprehensive list ever assembled of things that bacon makes better. Never again will anyone be confused. This list is complete. Bacon has spoken!

1. Pizza
2. Cheeseburgers
3. LT's
4. Ramadan
5. Sausage
6. Ham
7. Turkey bacon
8. Tofu bacon
9. The slaughter of my pet pig Sue
10. Kosher food
11. Hospital food
12. Breakfast at a greasy truck-stop diner
13. Canada
14. Bacon double-cheeseburgers
15. Bac-Os Bacon Bits
16. Pork
17. Poultry
18. Prison
19. Choking to death on bacon
20. Diarrhea
21. Racism
22. Pigs-in-blankets
23. Potatoes
24. Pasta
25. Loneliness
26. The barely-suppressed memory of my drunk father making love to the Thanksgiving turkey
27. Working for Cracked
28. Urination
29. Deep-fried bowls of shit
30. The Bubonic plague
31. The breakup of Destiny's Child
32. Tom Sizemore's sex video
33. Kobe Bryant's tattoo
34. Rug burns
35. Losing in Vegas
36. Getting your privates caught in your zipper
37. Jheri Curl
38. Having a penis drawn on your face in permanent marker
39. Dogs
40. U2's music
41. Gas prices
42. Pork bellies
43. Sneak attacks
44. Bug snatch
45. Franklin Delano Roosevelt
46. Pygmies
47. Paying for sex
48. Having a small penis
49. Three day acid trip
50. K-holes
51. Urinal backsplash
52. Asking a fat woman who isn't pregnant when she's due
53. Sunday mornings
54. Blueberry juice
55. Teabags
56. Eggs
57. Sandwiches
58. Ketchup
59. Adrenaline
60. Ethan Frome
61. Grits
62. Pancakes
63. Jerome Kersey
64. This unusual growth on the left side of my face
65. Writing a letter to your congressman
66. The Drudge Report
67. Fruit
68. Spelling bees
69. Kanye West
70. The fall of Communism
71. The economy
72. The blogosphere
73. Stepping in gum
74. Masturbation
75. Chain gangs
76. Body of Christ
77. Blood of Christ
78. Jackass
79. Coming to terms with the inevitable cancellation of Commander-in-Chief
80. Garfield
81. The absence of bacon
82. Blackouts
83. Shit hitting the fan
84. Hooters
85. Football games
86. Merkins
87. Craps
88. Working with your hands
89. Cultivating relationships
90. Following the inexplicable continuation of LL Cool J's career
91. Ethan Hawke's hygiene
92. McSweeney's
93. Beer
94. Cocaine
95. Heroin
96. Hermaphrodites
97. Kevin Smith movies
98. Cookie Monster playing second fiddle to Elmo
99. Self-hate
100. Affirmative action
101. Mel Torme's scrotum
102. Tyra Banks having not one but two shows on television
103. Potty breaks
104. Long distance running
105. Spackle
106. Glee
107. Sammy Davis Jr.'s glass eye
108. Shrinkage
109. Getting punched in the face
110. Grammatical errors
111. YOUR MOM!
112. Jelly donuts
113. Rhyme and reason
114. Game theory
115. Nathaniel Hawthorne's minor works
116. Fishing
117. Mowing the lawn
118. Cunnilingus
119. Debt collection
120. Republican primaries
121. Soup
122. Diabetes
123. Trichinosis
124. Mr. Belvedere
125. Finding out you're adopted
126. Double cheeseburgers with onions and white American cheese
127. Bringing home the bacon
128. Waterworld
129. Broadway musicals
130. Realizing you fed Gizmo bacon after midnight
131. Killing the resulting Gremlin by tripping the building's sprinkler system
132. Sally Jesse Raphael's stupid red glasses
133. Telethons
134. Hurricanes
135. Bar Mitzvahs
136. Bat Mitzvahs
137. Mitzvahs
138. The Shenandoah valley
139. Nature Valley granola bars
140. Deodorant
141. The tragic demise of Axl Rose
142. Lisa Kudrow's testicles
143. Sweet N Low
144. Start of NBA season
145. Bush's cronyism
146. 7th Grade History Class
147. Reading CRACKED online
148. Blowing CRACKED CEO Monty Sarhan
149. Tuna fish
150. Quizno's
151. Scallops
152. Blind dates
153. Prunes
154. Orangutans
155. Jizz-mopping the fraternity house living room
156. Maxim
157. Paris Hilton's small boobies
158. Seeing your Jetblue flight about to crash on your Jetblue in-seat television
159. "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon"

The two things bacon does not make better?

1. Airplane food
2. A devout Jew's relationship with an angry, bacon-hating God

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