Thank you for considering me for this promotion. As you know, every dollar added to my salary means one more day for my terminally ill son, Wilbur. Poor Wilbur. Heroically though, I must admit that my colleagues are almost as qualified as I am.
Take Dan Jacobs, for instance-hardest worker in the company. Guy gets a DWI on the way home from work last Tuesday and still makes it to work on Wednesday. And Denise from accounting collects child support from every single one of the various fathers of her many, many racially diverse children. Can you say "accounts receivable?!" She can, provided she' not performing a sex act on one of the temps in the bathroom at the Christmas party last year.
Which temp, you ask? The one young enough to be your or my son. That is, if my son makes it to his next birthday.
Speaking of temps, it' a wonder that Dick Williams still has a job. For someone so slow-witted and ignorant, simply remembering to breathe all these years-let alone meet a sales quota-is surely a testament to his charisma, or at least to the psychological advantage accorded to the physically imposing by cowards, weaklings and morons. Either way, I'm sure his breathtaking stupidity wouldn't prevent him from handling this promotion.
I hope I'm not leaving anyone out. Dwayne is so anxious to get to work in the morning that he always parks in the handicapped spot, Dave saves the company millions by committing tax fraud and Deirdre-team player that she is-gave herself a stupid, ugly, pretentious first name just to fit the pattern.
In fact, Ron Ashby is the only unqualified candidate for this promotion. I know he comes across all smart and nice and honest, but he worships Satan and masturbates to reruns of Full House with a plastic bag over his head.
But don't hold it against him. Or against my dying son.
Check out more of Brian's stuff at his site Regicides Anonymous