The Wrong Advices: Pumpin' Up

"The Wrong Advices." That' the title of what might become CRACKED' semi-regular, rarely humorous, oft-disappointing sports column. And while I often employ the wrong grammars without even knowing it, the title of this column is not such an instance.

Rather, the title is pinched from the 1977 hit documentary Pumping Iron, filmmaker George Butler' foray into the world of bodybuilding. The film centers around a 28-year-old Austrian bodybuilder named Arnold Schwarzenegger, on a mission to win his sixth consecutive "Mr. Olympia" title, an award given out annually to the universe' top muscleman. In one scene, Arnold boasts that he will outsmart his toughest opponent, Franco Columbo, because: "On the day of the contest, Franco is a child, and I am his father. He comes to me for advices. And so it' not that hard for me to give him the wrong advices."

And so Arnold behaves throughout the film. No more than 10 minutes in, he proudly declares, in his seedy Austrian accent, that weightlifting is, "as satisfying to me as cumming is," then immediately adds--in case we didn't get it--"having sex with a woman and cumming."
Thanks, Governor.

In another scene, Arnold and the beefy Franco strip down to boxers in their shared hotel room, with Arnold apparently preparing to join him in bed. Given his cavalier behavior in just about every scene, we can only imagine what advices Arnold has in store. The only thing around today that approaches this scene' level of awkward homoeroticism is the most recent John Basedow commercial--and even that seems straight as an arrow compared to the Arnold-Franco encounter.

Fortunately, the scene ends before Arnold joins Franco in the sack, so we don't see what goes down between the two. What we also don't see in the movie--but what Arnold later admitted was ubiquitous in those days--is steroid use. And while not many athletes today compare their training to climaxing (can you imagine, say, Peyton Manning coming to the podium after a win and proclaiming with a smile, "Throwing those three touchdown passes to Marvin today reminded me so much of cumming--you know, having sex with a woman and cumming? Exact same thing"¦"), steroid use has remained a constant in those nearly three decades since Arnold competed for that sixth Mr. Universe award.

Not only has steroid usage remained constant, so, too, has the tradition of not admitting your usage until well after your playing days have ended. That' what Arnold did, and that' what plenty of athletes do today.

The latest "admission" of steroid use came from Bill Romanowski, the 49ers-Broncos-Raiders linebacker who played 17 seasons in the NFL. Romo recently admitted to CBS' 60 Minutes--and, of course, in his new book--that he used steroids in the latter stages of his career.

No, not Romo! You're telling me that Bill Romanowksi used steroids? What a stunning admission!
Never would have guessed that. Not from a guy whose career highlights include the following:

"¢ Being served a civil lawsuit on allegations of battery and intentional infliction of emotional distress stemming from a training camp incident in which Romanowski allegedly pulled off teammate Marcus Williams' helmet and punched him in the left eye, ending Williams' career.

"¢ Busting Kerry Collins' jaw in two places, knocking Collins out for the season and earning Romo a $20,000 fine--a hit Romo now says "was one that you dream about."

"¢ Spitting in the face of teammate J.J. Stokes and calling him a "nigger," --allegedly.

"¢ While at the bottom of a pile fishing for a loose ball, deliberately snapping the finger of Giants running back Dave Meggett.

Good stats, Romo. And you're trying to tell me a guy like that used steroids? What will we find out next? Darryl Strawberry smoked crack? Pete Rose had a gambling problem? John Daly drank? I can hear the hearts of parents and children alike breaking all over the nation. Say it ain't so, Romo!

Romanowski says he 'fessed up to using 'roids because: "Ultimately a little boy looks up to his Dad, and [my son] said, 'Dad, do you do drugs?' And that one hurt me more than anything." Yeah, sure. Whatever. When your son asked you that, Romo, why didn't you just reach down and bust him in the jaw, or snap his finger in half?

Please, no more! No more tearful admissions of steroid use or substance abuse or gambling problems from athletes looking to pawn themselves off as reformed to turn a quick buck. Unless it' Dick Vermeil; I don't want to see anyone associated with professional sports crying. I don't want to hear Michael Irvin claim that the crack pipe cops found in his car actually belonged to his junkie friend. And I don't want to hear Barry Bonds claim that he' coming back to the game next year 20 pounds lighter because he felt like losing some weight would help his game.

Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I know I'm not the only who' tired of this. I can't be the only one wishing our sports heroes would leave it all out on the field, and only open their mouths to tell us about the really important things on their mind--like, say, cumming. Having sex with a woman and cumming.

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