Making sure your local convenience store lives up to the promise of its name is a team effort. Here are a few simple rules you can follow to help make it happen.
There are all sorts of random factors in your environment and biology that bring out your inner asshole. And sure enough, the science suggests that all manner of strange things trigger racist behavior.
Everyone selling these products seems to be living in some kind of dystopian dimension where even most mundane task is a struggle. I've collected data from countless miracle washcloths and smoothie makers to compile this list of nine simple things no one in a commercial can do.
Just FYI: I know one of you, and it's just one, eats bacon-wrapped bacon every day, has sex with supermodels, and gets paid to play video games, and this article means nothing to you aside from my hilarious jokes, and that's OK. No need to comment.
It seems these tellers put their own little twists on the tale. Their insane, gut-wrenching, nightmarish twists.
Sometimes the simplest tasks are left behind by the unceasing forward march of technological development, where they sit huddled, frightened, and alone -- left to die in the vast and unforgiving tundra of obsolescence.
No matter the format, it's almost always an awful time, and if you want to be a comic, it's an awful time you have to force yourself to have over and over and over again if you ever hope to spend enough time onstage to not be terrible.
According to a dozen videos I watched in high school, peer pressure will/did ruin my life and made me butt chug heroin-laced vodka and snort all the marijuanas ever. I typed this article from my hospital bed. All teenagers are the devil.