The larger snakes concentrate on the belly or back and give more of a kneading effect, while the smaller ones go off and explore other places like, oh, your face. Seriously, watch as the snakes slither across a guy's eyes at around 0:46 in this video, if you dare.

Via Weirdnews.about.com
Any judge would consider tickling her right now attempted murder.

While the snakes are all nonvenomous, we certainly understand if this freaks you out instead of soothing you -- we can think of dozens of other animals that are more qualified to massage people. The elephant, by the way, isn't one of them.

Via Doseng.org
But nobody tell this girl.

In Thailand, elephants are trained to do a number of things, from playing soccer to using instruments to stepping on the backs of defenseless tourists, apparently. The Maesa Elephant Camp in Chiang Mai features elephants of the latter type: While you lay on your face, the elephant will place its foot on your back to "help ease your stress." Ninety percent of that stress, of course, comes from the fact that you just saw an approaching wild animal that is capable of crushing you like a slug.

Sometimes the tourists are given the impression that a baby elephant will be doing the stepping, only for it to be switched to an adult one when it's too late to turn back. You know, for comic effect. Yeah, Thailand doesn't do "relaxing" very well. And that might just explain ...

Thailand's Chiang Mai Women's Correctional Institution has taken a capitalist approach to prisoner rehabilitation, opening its doors to the general public and inviting people to (willingly) come into a section of the prison for massages from the inmates. In this case, "happy ending" means nobody got murdered.

Via Blog.travelpod.com
Coincidentally, this is the same treatment they give snitches.

The women at the correctional institution are trained in giving quality massages, and purportedly do a very good job at it. Even so, going into a prison to alleviate tension is a little like going into a morgue to work up an appetite. And speaking of which, should being groped by a convict make you hungry, this particular correctional institution also has a coffee shop:

Via Guidethailande.fr
The only currencies they accept are cigarettes and toilet hooch.

And a gift shop, for anyone who wants a souvenir of their visit to prison:

Via Travelandleisure.com
You can buy temporary teardrop tattoos by the sheet.

Also, keep in mind that "correctional institution" in many cases is legal jargon for "prison for the people the real jail kicked out so new prisoners could have beds." With Thailand being a popular stop for sex trafficking and a member of the Golden Triangle of opium and heroin production in Southeast Asia, you have no way of knowing whose blood, fluids or drugs are on the hands that just rubbed those knots out of your back.

... or, if you're driving back home and would rather not do it reeking of booze, you can relax with some green tea:

Via Odditycentral.com
"My junk is a tea bag! This is basically Halo."

The Yunnesun website notes that green tea is a powerful antioxidant and has many beneficial features. Yeah, when you drink it. While it's true that Cleopatra was known for bathing in wine, as the website states, she was also known for marrying her brothers and having her sister killed. Cleopatra is not a good person to base your amusement park on, is what we're getting at.

Of course, if you're actually looking for the opposite of relaxation, the resort also features a giant bath of coffee made with hot spring water, which is guaranteed to "perk up your senses." Side effects include persistent twitching and the inability to sleep for the next five months.

Via Slashfood.com
To go from "medium roast" to "espresso," just relax.

The downside? It leaves you looking like you were viciously attacked by a baseball-throwing machine.

Via Gobackpacking.com
Or like someone tried to do acupuncture with stalactites.

"Fire cupping" is actually a fairly accurate description of what this "relaxing" treatment entails: While you lie down, the therapist lights a cotton ball on fire, puts it inside a glass bulb and quickly removes it, then sticks the slightly warmed bulb on your back. The vacuum left from the flame creates a suction effect inside the bulb that brings more blood vessels to the surface of your skin than your skin knows what to do with. This supposedly unties knots in your back, in the process bruising the holy hell out of it.

Via Spaweekblog.com
For an extra 20, they'll make you lick their shoes while calling you a filthy whore.

The process is more awkward than painful, but the bruises themselves can take from one week to several months to disappear. This whole thing may look familiar if you've seen that newish Karate Kid movie, in which Jackie Chan performs a fire cupping massage on Will Smith's kid (presumably to cure his menstrual pains). Another famous fan of this technique is Gwyneth Paltrow, who caused a small commotion when she showed up to a film premiere looking like she was covered in crop circles.

Via Independent.ie
Or like Chris Martin had been using her as a coffee table.

The benefits of fire cupping have never been conclusively proven, while the risks range from potential burns, bleeding and, you know, what we just showed you. Even if it works, we're guessing all the relaxation it achieves is undone the next time you look in a mirror.

But what if you're desperate/gross enough to want to try this but don't really have the time or money to head out to California for some fancy baby-blood treatment? Don't worry: A quick Google search (filter on, for God's sake) reveals that there are more affordable options out there, like this $90 placental face cream. If even that's out of your range, it turns out sheep placentas are considerably cheaper than Russian babies', judging by this $19.95 Sheep Placenta Extract Anti-aging Anti-wrinkle & Whitening Cream.

Via Amazon
From the makers of Sheep Placenta Mouthwash, Sheep Placenta Erectile Dysfunction Cream and Nickelodeon's Gak.

But even if it works, for $350 a session, you'd think celebrities would find something fancier to rub on their faces. And, unfortunately for the human race, you'd be right ...

The Hearts on Fire Diamond Indulgence Lounge's Loose Diamond Massage is pretty much exactly what it sounds like: a masseuse is rubbing $1,000,000 worth of cut diamonds into your back to relieve the stresses you must feel from being so obscenely wealthy. The benefits of this $25,000 treatment include being able to laugh your ass off at all the misery in the world, and absolutely nothing else.

Getty
"All finished. Any other stupid and completely ineffective things I can charge you for?"

Other indispensable services offered by the Diamond Indulgence Lounge include massaging your face with 24 karat gold, a $1,000 manicure that incorporates real diamonds into the nail design (warning: don't pick your nose or you'll cut your face open) and a $600 hair treatment that uses powdered diamond hair spray. For $100 less, however, you can get something even more insane: Hari's Salon at Harrod's Urban Retreat in the U.K. offers a blow-dry treatment that takes diamond dust and mixes it with powdered freaking meteorites. Clients even get to take home a sample of the diamond/meteorite shampoo so they can rub it in more private places.

Via Urbanretreat.co.uk
In case you ever wanted cosmic debris in your asshole.

Finally, the Voda Spa in West Hollywood, California, gives you the chance to cover your entire body in a caviar-based exfoliant, as if you were about to be eaten by a very classy giant.

Via Gomoneyways.com
And if there's any justice in the universe, maybe you will.

When he isn't busy with school and trying to save lives, Isaac is posting on Twitter. You can contact him here.

For more misery you can pay for, check out The 6 Worst "Vacations" Money Can Buy. Or discover 7 Great Products for Telling the World You're a Rich Dick.