10

Martha Stewart Looked Like A Bond Girl

Before that whole thing where she was arrested and sentenced for securities fraud, it's fair to say that Martha Stewart was literally no-one's idea of a criminal mastermind. Hell, she still looks pretty harmless. What's she going to do, whisk someone to death?

PBS
The only risk here is diabetes.

She's one of the few celebrities where, if we saw her coming at us with a knife, we'd actually get more excited. If only there was something in her past that we could have used to predict her future as a bad girl ...

Chanel
Presumably, this is how her friend Snoop Dogg sees her all the time through the sunglasses and the weed.

That's Stewart in her 20s, looking like a femme fatale who tries to shank Sean Connery in the dick. In fact, before she became a domestic goddess, Stewart had an ultra-successful career as a model, working for brands such as Chanel, whereupon she earned enough money to pay her way through college. She eventually retired young, settled down as a housewife, and stumbled ass-backwards into her current career. If Martha had kept going, she might have ended up being even more filthy rich than she is today.

Chanel
We ran the numbers, and she'd be worth approximately 27 Canadas.

9

Assholes Thought Helen Mirren Was Too Hot To Be A Serious Actor

Helen Mirren is a hugely accomplished actress with so many fantastic roles that we couldn't possibly list them all here. So, we'll list a crappy one: she was also in the cinematic brain fart that was Collateral Beauty, because no one is perfect.

Lionsgate Films
Helen Mirren: the Queen Elizabeth II of actresses (literally).

But early in her career, Mirren was the go-to actress whenever a production needed an attractive bit of posh to make people give a shit about their boring-ass historical epics or weird experimental movies (the second link is fraught with orgasmic sounds, watch it on mute if you're at work).

Analysis Film Releasing Corporation, BBC
"Too late for that." - Anyone looking at these pictures.

In 1979, she appeared in the Penthouse magazine-produced historical epic Caligula, where she helped get the movie banned for indecency and/or fear that the resulting boner-induced heart attacks could wipe out the planet. In fact, such was her reputation for going au naturel that she was forced to put one interviewer on blast for flat-out saying that she'd never make it as a serious actress until she stopped flaunting her "physical attributes." She rebuked the allegation by just, you know, being Helen Mirren.

Analysis Film Releasing Corporation
It is the best rebuttal in most if not all arguments.

8

Drew Carey Was Bonetown, U.S.A.

What? Come on, really? Even in his heyday, the schlubby host of such comedic fare as Whose Line Is It Anyway? and The Price Is Right has never been known for his smoldering looks:

FremantleMedia
He constantly looks like someone's cutting in line in front of him and he's taking it in good spirits.

You can just picture him as a dweeby teenager with big dork glasses and a deep familiarity with the inside of a locker. And that might have been true at one point, but it didn't last forever ...

U.S. Marine Corps Forces Reserve
"Girl, you're not spayed, I'm not neutered. Let's do this until the sun burns out."

It turns out Drew Carey wasn't just a military man: He served in the freaking Marine Corps Reserves for a large portion of the '80s. It was there that Carey started wearing his usual buzz cut, for obvious reasons, and first picked up his now classic horn-rimmed glasses (not pictured in any of these photos, so we're guessing he can't see shit).

U.S. Marine Corps Forces Reserve
"Whose dong is it anyway? Stupid question, it's this guy's dong."

7

Ricky Gervais Was An '80s Pop Pretty Boy

Ricky Gervais is best known for creating The Office and for behaving like a teenager who just discovered atheism on Twitter. It's hard to imagine him breaking into entertainment if he wasn't incredibly funny, seeing as how he devoted an entire episode of Extras to David Bowie calling him a pug-faced fatso.

HBO
Ricky Gervais: your fun uncle who will definitely die alone.

And speaking of Bowie, Gervais is also a huge fan, which makes his 1984 androgynous look so deliciously amazing. The British comedian was absolutely channeling The Thin White Duke in his massively successful (in the Philippines) pop duo Seona Dancing.

London Records
Can they reboot The Office with this guy in charge?

Gervais sang over slick, synth-heavy keyboards, and Seona Dancing quickly won their way into the hearts of Filipino teens with their two hit singles, "More To Lose" and "Bitter Heart." (Before you go check: Yes, there are videos, and they are extremely Eighties.) "More To Lose" was so damn popular, in fact, that a Filipino radio station would deliberately introduce the song under a fake name in order to make it impossible for rival radio stations to get their hands on. Gervais says he doesn't miss his time as a pop idol, preferring his podcasts, TV shows, and angry online arguments. So, you know, everything worked out in the end.

7

Betty White Was Somehow Even Sexier

We're going to fudge the rules here a little, because we'd all be lying to ourselves if we said that Betty White isn't a hottie right now. It'd be cliche to compare her to a finely aged wine, and also inaccurate -- she's more like a finely distilled shot of vodka.

SNL Studios
Because of her sophistication, attitude, and for being the cause of untold bar brawls.

6

Bob Ross Had A Hunk Hiding Under That Afro

Gentle-voiced and epically afroed, anyone with access to PBS is a fan of the eternally optimistic Bob Ross. So, everyone.

PBS
He's like every cool art teacher in the world united into one Megazord of kindness.

5

The Queen of England In A Uniform Is Your New Kink

Whatever your position is on holding on to monarchy in 2017, it's hard to argue Queen Elizabeth II is one of the world's classiest ladies. It's truly impressive that she manages to exude an aura of dignified regalness despite dressing no differently than any other senior citizen at bingo night.

WPA Pool/Getty Images
Elizabeth II: the Helen Mirren of Queens (literally).

4

Ernest Is Coming To Steal Your Girl

Jim Varney, the late star of the Ernest Does Whatever movies, isn't the first person that springs to mind when you think about hot celebrities from yesteryear. He also isn't the second, third, fourth, or hundredth.

Emshell Producers
We'd put Vern ahead of him, and we don't even know what he looked like.

3

Maya Angelou Was A Calypso Dancer

Maya Angelou was a world-famous, well ... everything: poet, author, civil-rights activist, screenwriter, director. If there was anything that could be done, she did it with aplomb and badassitude.

Katy Winn/Getty Images
And she rocked that hairdo way better than Johnny Depp in Sweeney Todd.

2

Holy Moley, Shari Lewis

For decades and decades, TV ventriloquist Shari Lewis and her sidekick, Lamb Chop, were the secret weapon that parents would wheel out whenever they wanted their children to go to sleep. There was just something about her dulcet tones, her playfulness, and her-- holy shit the lovable sheep was called Lamb Chop.

The Los Angeles Times
And is she wearing a wool sweater? What the fuck is this show?!

1

James. Earl. Jones.

When you think about it, James Earl Jones got a pretty shitty deal. His two biggest roles were a cartoon lion and a heavily armored space wizard, neither of which allowed us, the viewers, to see what he really looked like.

Jemal Countess/Getty Images
He's black?!?

This is why that fact hurts us so much:

Carl Van Vechten
"Luke, I am your father. Also, I'm everybody's father."

Yup, that's J.EJ. back in his college days. This was only three years before he played one of the pilots in Stanley Kubrick's Dr. Strangelove -- another role where you don't see much of him, because of his bulky helmet (in fact, many of you found out that was him just now, reading this).

Carl Van Vechten
What other essential information have you been hiding from us, Hollywood? What else?!

We know it wouldn't get a great deal of sense, but we're begging you, Disney. Go back into the prequels and digitally replace Hayden Christensen with a young James Earl Jones. Hell, neither of them would mind and it'd probably wind up being the biggest thing to happen to the franchise since the invention of lightsabers. Do it for the fans. You have the technology.

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For more awesomeness famous people hid from us, check out 11 Celebrities Who Were Secretly Total Badasses and 7 Celebrities Who Had Badass Careers You Didn't Know About.

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