No, we're talking about photos like this:

Alex Jones
Yes, this is a MySpace photo.

Be honest: Whatever your gender or inclination, if that man started talking to you about chemtrails at the gym, you'd just nod and let him do it so you can admire his pecs. Note that even when he's pumping some serious iron, Jones never once drops his rant face:

InfoWars
Jet fuel can melt our hearts.

For the love of God, never stop eating those big chili lunches, Alex Jones. The moment you're hot again, our world is doomed.

That's Stewart in her 20s, looking like a femme fatale who tries to shank Sean Connery in the dick. In fact, before she became a domestic goddess, Stewart had an ultra-successful career as a model, working for brands such as Chanel, whereupon she earned enough money to pay her way through college. She eventually retired young, settled down as a housewife, and stumbled ass-backwards into her current career. If Martha had kept going, she might have ended up being even more filthy rich than she is today.

Chanel
We ran the numbers, and she'd be worth approximately 27 Canadas.

But early in her career, Mirren was the go-to actress whenever a production needed an attractive bit of posh to make people give a shit about their boring-ass historical epics or weird experimental movies (the second link is fraught with orgasmic sounds, watch it on mute if you're at work).

Analysis Film Releasing Corporation, BBC
"Too late for that." - Anyone looking at these pictures.

In 1979, she appeared in the Penthouse magazine-produced historical epic Caligula, where she helped get the movie banned for indecency and/or fear that the resulting boner-induced heart attacks could wipe out the planet. In fact, such was her reputation for going au naturel that she was forced to put one interviewer on blast for flat-out saying that she'd never make it as a serious actress until she stopped flaunting her "physical attributes." She rebuked the allegation by just, you know, being Helen Mirren.

Analysis Film Releasing Corporation
It is the best rebuttal in most if not all arguments.

It turns out Drew Carey wasn't just a military man: He served in the freaking Marine Corps Reserves for a large portion of the '80s. It was there that Carey started wearing his usual buzz cut, for obvious reasons, and first picked up his now classic horn-rimmed glasses (not pictured in any of these photos, so we're guessing he can't see shit).

U.S. Marine Corps Forces Reserve
"Whose dong is it anyway? Stupid question, it's this guy's dong."

And speaking of Bowie, Gervais is also a huge fan, which makes his 1984 androgynous look so deliciously amazing. The British comedian was absolutely channeling The Thin White Duke in his massively successful (in the Philippines) pop duo Seona Dancing.

London Records
Can they reboot The Office with this guy in charge?

Gervais sang over slick, synth-heavy keyboards, and Seona Dancing quickly won their way into the hearts of Filipino teens with their two hit singles, "More To Lose" and "Bitter Heart." (Before you go check: Yes, there are videos, and they are extremely Eighties.) "More To Lose" was so damn popular, in fact, that a Filipino radio station would deliberately introduce the song under a fake name in order to make it impossible for rival radio stations to get their hands on. Gervais says he doesn't miss his time as a pop idol, preferring his podcasts, TV shows, and angry online arguments. So, you know, everything worked out in the end.

That said, her younger self wasn't exactly unattractive either.

Universal Television
She looks like Madonna back when looking like Madonna was a good thing.

If you think so, then congratulations! You're officially more competent at beauty-spotting than the movie studios that called her "unphotogenic" and advised her to take up a career in radio, so as to shield the world from her hideousness. Guys, Hollywood doesn't know shit.

Life Magazine
"Meanwhile, we'll keep giving Charles Bronson work for several more decades."

That dreamboat photoshoot wasn't a fluke. Ross was a straight-up fox, even well into his 30s:

Bob Ross
Though in this one, he kinda looks like he might start cooking meth with one of his students.

And yet, even in his hunky Air Force days, Ross still totally devoted himself to his art. Remember how quickly Ross could pump out fantastic works of art in under an hour, all while talking about happy little trees and rivers? That's because he was so dedicated to his craft that whenever he would take a lunch break, he'd race home and bang out a couple quickie paintings. True passion cannot be bridled by strict military schedules.

And speaking of celebrities who were in the army ...

It feels like the Queen has always been there, and for most people alive today, she actually has. She didn't always look like your grandma, though ...

Royal Archives, British Army
And if your grandma does, is she on Facebook or anything?

That's Queen Elizabeth back when she was just a princess in a military jeep ... because she was a legit mechanic in the Auxiliary Territorial Service during World War II. The future monarch demanded that she be enlisted when she turned 18, but the move wasn't some honorary bullshit awarded to royalty because royalty. Elizabeth turned out to be a damn good gearhead, earning the title of Junior Commander before her military stint was up.

British Army
Besides being England's longest-reigning monarch, she also had the world's first "sexy mechanic" photo shoot.

His younger self was also something else. If anyone wants us, we'll be reporting Javier Bardem for stealing his smoldering looks.

Jim Varney
Slinky from Toy Story wasn't the only thing he made go "shwing."

That photo was taken shortly after Varney arrived in LA, looking to make it as a stand-up comedian and actor. Honestly, we're surprised it took him ten years (and several wrinkles) to end up making movies. Perhaps the world simply wasn't ready for Ernest Goes To Town.

What many people don't know is that she was born Marguerite Johnson. So where did the name "Maya Angelou" come from? Well, that's easy: It's from her days as a calypso dancer.

Columbia Pictures
More like Maya Ange-WOO.

Throughout the early 1950s, Angelou toured Europe as a dancer with a traveling production of Porgy And Bess. On returning to the U.S., she opened her own calypso show, eventually going on to record an album of calypso hits, a term which means nothing in this day and age. Unsurprisingly, all those energetic dance routines resulted in the sort of figure that ... you're already looking, aren't you?

Scamp Records
And don't give us the ol' "we were just looking for a photo of her National Medal of Arts" excuse. We've heard it a million times before.

This was in her early days as a children's presenter ... and sitcom actress, advertising model, talent-show host, and, well, whatever else was available. Here's Lewis, singing a wholesome song in her night gown, apparently:

Her main talent, however, lay with puppetry. Admittedly, we only considered that a career for up-and-coming members of Batman's rogues gallery, but we're starting to come around to it now, for some reason.

This is why that fact hurts us so much:

Carl Van Vechten
"Luke, I am your father. Also, I'm everybody's father."

Yup, that's J.EJ. back in his college days. This was only three years before he played one of the pilots in Stanley Kubrick's Dr. Strangelove -- another role where you don't see much of him, because of his bulky helmet (in fact, many of you found out that was him just now, reading this).

Carl Van Vechten
What other essential information have you been hiding from us, Hollywood? What else?!

We know it wouldn't get a great deal of sense, but we're begging you, Disney. Go back into the prequels and digitally replace Hayden Christensen with a young James Earl Jones. Hell, neither of them would mind and it'd probably wind up being the biggest thing to happen to the franchise since the invention of lightsabers. Do it for the fans. You have the technology.

Follow Adam on Twitter! He also has a Facebook page, but that's only for the coolest kids. You wouldn't be interested.

For more awesomeness famous people hid from us, check out 11 Celebrities Who Were Secretly Total Badasses and 7 Celebrities Who Had Badass Careers You Didn't Know About.

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