This piece was written by the people who run the Cracked Store to tell you about products that are being sold there.
Thanks to an undying passion for hair buns, space slugs, and clever puns, May the 4th is now the official day for poindexters everywhere to host movie marathons, film embarrassing (and awesome) home lightsaber fights, and listen to Figrin D'an and the Modal Nodes on repeat. And if a holiday isn't enough to satisfy your passion for fantastical make-em-ups? Remember this: There is a limitless world of collectible tchotchkes with which to express your fanatical devotion to things like comic books, role-playing games, and children's entertainment from the '80s.
Take a gander at some of these hot, steamy wares, and May the 4th be with you -- yeah, we said it, and we're not sorry.
Loot Crate Mystery Bundle
If you want to start your path to pop culture enlightenment but have absolutely no idea which well of mass media to fall down, then Loot Crate is the place to start. This curated box of nerd goods will introduce you to all things fandom without subjecting you to the more unsavory facets of geek culture (if you see a tentacle, run). Since nerd stuff is mostly based around material consumption anyway, why not let the experts do the hard work of filtering quality for you? Get five to six deliveries for $20.
SFC30 Bluetooth Controller + NES Classic Bluetooth Receiver Exclusive Bundle
If you're going to steal Super Nintendo games from the internet (don't do that), then you should pay Shigeru Miyamoto a shred of respect by using a Bluetooth mock-up of a SNES controller. Considering his contribution to gaming, the man at least deserves that. This controller works with PCs, compatible smartphone games, and the NES Classic Edition. Plus, it's always nice to have a classic controller that isn't coated with 15-year-old Fruit Roll-Up residue. Pick one up for $39.99.
Rogue One: A Star Wars Story NEFF Collector's Box
Disney deserves some major credit for not making another Star Wars film in the mold of any of those later-years Lucas ... um ... "movies." Not only was Rogue One mercifully lacking in Jar Jar Binks, but it also SPOILER ALERT killed off every one of the main characters! So while won't ever be able to see what were arguably the most interesting new Star Wars characters in a while return to the big screen, we will be able to see those characters return to your closets. You can get a pile of Rogue One apparel, collectibles, and books here for $79.
Mota JETJAT Live-W FPV Hobby Drone With HD 720p Camera
While drones might not figure prominently in any major sci-fi canon, they're at least "middle-aged man wearing a cape" on the nerd scale. This quadcopter features a 720p camera, so you can check out the comic convention from afar before making your grand entrance. Making whirring noises while you fly it are completely optional. Get the Mota JETJAT for $39.99.
Scientific Magnetic Space Putty
Nerds like science. It's like a law of biology (the hippiest branch of nerddom). And thanks to Bill Nye's resurgence and Silicon Valley's suave billionaires, loving science is no longer just relegated to nerds. So even if you're just a dumb jock looking to get in on the fun, you'll love messing around with this space putty. Aside from being squishy and bouncy, it's also magnetic, making it mesmerizing both to super geniuses and to the people who could beat up those geniuses alike. Grab some here for $9.99.
Know Your Stars Mini UNIQCUBE
Not knowing the names and locations of every single constellation is like not knowing the names of your state's representatives. Unacceptable! You can fix this grave oversight with an annotated light cube. (But only the constellation part. Google your reps, people!) Pick up this astronomical UNIQUBE for $85.
Two In One Audio Cassette To MP3 Converter
All those Peter Gabriel tapes lining the floor of your car can finally get some new digital life with this cassette-to-MP3 converter. Everyone will wonder why your Walkman has a USB port, much like how they'll question your borrowed nostalgia for a decade you don't have any conscious memories of. Now all you need is something to put your old boombox to use, and you should be set. Grab this cassette digitizer for $43.95.
Bounty Hunter Silhouette Poster
For some reason, Boba Fett is everyone's favorite side character in the Star Wars universe, despite doing nothing except falling off a diving board and getting eaten by a hole in the ground. Yeah, it's weird that we devote some much love to a guy that got defeated by the space version of Hungry Hungry Hippos, but his helmet is pretty badass, so that's something. Celebrate this unloquacious galactic guy with a Bounty Hunter Silhouette Poster for $19.
Vader's Dark Side Empirical Stout T-Shirt
Darth Vader doesn't canonically make beer. But if he would, it would totally be a punny craft stout. Show the world that you respect brutal paternal authority and love to drink with a 100 percent cotton graphic tee. We hear it goes great with fried Womp Rats and the dark side of the force (which is what we called "stuffed tater skins"). Grab one here for $17.99.
The Steam-Powered Star Wars Gamer Bundle
For all of the flack Star Wars movies tend to get, at the end of the day, you can't beat laser swords and psychic choke holds. It's the reason Star Wars video games almost always happen to be fantastic. Do we really care why you have to shoot lightning at a battalion of armed clones? It's just rad. The fact that these games from Steam give you great storylines too almost makes you feel greedy. Get five titles for 75 percent off their usual price.
Not like this Hollywood. Not like this.
The smallest changes in these men's lives would have changed all of history.
Hindsight is the year 2020.
Everything the internet has said about this movie doesn't even come close to capturing the cinematic ineptitude on display here.