The pitch stresses that this isn't just a random porno, but rather a deeply personal passion project full of nuanced character work and an elaborate story. Readers are challenged to explore intriguing questions like "Who created these sex bots?" and "How many pills does that poor girl need to take for her back?"

Offbeatr
"Why are they made entirely of glitter?"

Contribute a mere 20 dollars, and you'll receive special backstory and insight into how the characters and plot were developed. That's a reasonable price for such information on most projects, but a bit steep for a PDF which presumably just reads "I was playing Five Nights At Freddy's one-handed when it came to me -- pun intended ;)." The creator is so convinced that you can't masturbate without sufficient lore that more info will be provided as more money is raised. Truly, this will be the most intellectually stimulating hermaphrodite furry robot gang rape comic ever created.

If you like the idea of jerking it to video game parodies, but prefer the "wizards and shit" genre and have no taste, then check out World Of Porncraft: Whorelords Of Draenor. If a mere $10,000 are raised, you'll be able to play a game in which a night elf gets repeatedly violated by orcs, and also you have to save the world or whatever. Featuring the regular graphics of your Super Nintendo with the porn scene graphics of those late-night infomercials for sketchy video game design schools, World Of Porncraft: Someone Wrote This Name And Didn't Cringe So Hard That Their Face Ruptured is a deeply uncomfortable adventure through a baffling land that's rich in the kind of details no one's ever asked for.

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And the least erotic tutorial possible.

Is it a rule that complex plots are required to make you feel less weird about jerking it to a video game? Because back in my day, you just picked a Soul Cailbur girl and, uh ... I mean, wow, for $300 you can get a special "big tits" skin! But wait a second ...

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So what you're really saying is that I have to spend 300 bucks just to save time on a goddamn minigame? I'm onto your tricks, Whorelords Of Draenor!

If you like the concept of going down on someone and then beating them as hard as you can, but are turned off by the mannequin faces of Sam and her soon-to-be-wanted-by-the-FBI brother, you could pitch in to the $7,500 the creator of Foxy Box is looking for. What's Foxy Box, you ask? Why, it's the spiritual sequel to Topsy Boxy! While the rest of us were masturbating to the Fallout 4 trailer like normal people, one unsettling man was making more sex boxing games than a single civilization could ever need.

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Far, far more.

I'm no boxing expert, but I feel like there are a limited number of ways to introduce sex and then come up with a name that says English is your fourth language. Foxy Box's particular approach is hard to describe without sounding like a poster on a shitty subreddit, but from what I can glean, our combatants -- all of whom are fighting out of Uncanny Valley -- mash their giant breasts together, and then the winner gets to knee the loser in the crotch. I'd say that can't be worse than Mayweather/Pacquiao, but only because that's the only boxing joke I know how to make. What I do know is that any game containing the phrase "breast-punching marathons" is going to be so terrible that IGN would only give it a 7/10.

Finally, because boxers with breasts which would render even basic athletics challenging is a fetish transcending all mediums, Bo Taffy (real name Broderick Taffy) is looking for $300 to manufacturer this figurine ...

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... which is based on a character from his comic books about nude boxers, which he creepily talks about as if they're real people.

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Chief, if people are giving you money so they can have a figurine of a topless boxer on their desk, I guarantee that they don't know if they have a latex allergy.

If you object to mixing live action with inanimate objects, there's always "Satisfying The Boss's Hunger." In a relatable office problem conveyed to us with whatever basic skills are taught in a freeware 3D modelling program's tutorial, Jen's boss is eating her employees with her vagina and growing to gigantic proportions. You'd think that would be both counterproductive to morale and immediately suspicious, but the description glosses over the logistics to note that the comic contains plenty of forced fatal unbirthing, absorption, female growth, "hot" vaginal vore action, and, of course, romantic tension. Jen just wants to go on a quiet dinner date, but her boss keeps eating the waiter instead of dessert! It's Rachel and Ross all over again!

Still too tasteful? Okay, you creep, then how does the sexy decapitation of Solgeth: A Guro Combat Extravaganza sound? If you already know what guro is, there's a chance we've run into each other in our therapist's waiting room. The premise is that you submit $125 and a character concept, the creator uses a dice system to simulate what clothes and limbs a bunch of characters lose in combat, they draw it all in gory detail, and whoever survives gets to have amputee sex with a tentacle monster.

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At least they only seem mildly inconvenienced by limb loss.

That sounds like an idea from someone who has bodies in his basement, right? Well, read this and see if you don't think of him in a different light:

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See, that guy obviously isn't hiding bodies. They're wishing for death.

Sinna's next video promises to show her urinating in a clothing store fitting room, but the preview clip plays like she's torn between pleading for help and enjoying the sweet embrace of temporary freedom as she and her captors search for the garment that will most impress a rich businessman from Omaha. Music plays. She wants to sing along, but only the faintest whisper escapes, as she knows as well as us what will happen if she's overheard expressing happiness. The lyrics are "And you've run away from home, I'll be here for you" -- Sinna hoping that one of us will be her heroic Norwegian DJ. She shows us her legs shaking uncontrollably in fear and anticipation. She holds the camera to her face like an infant examining a mirror while remaining ignorant of its function. She moves her mouth but nothing come out, because there is nothing left to say.

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Her eyes say it all.

Finally, Sinna plays a government official asking questions about your apartment building. There's only one toilet in the entire complex, and it's broken. How you and your fellow residents are coping goes unaddressed, but this perturbs Sinna. She tries to carry on, but soon urinates all over your couch. You don't object to this, because you're merely a fixed camera witnessing but not truly seeing Sinna's one-sided conversation with an empty room. You have no mouth, but you must scream at her to not pee on all your shit.

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No, Sinna. No.

Sinna acts like she's watching civilians being executed, stopping in the middle of lines to gape at the inhumanity. Both the apartment and her work clothes are identical to those from her first video, so either she has a complete disregard for continuity or she's interviewing herself about the toilet in her own apartment and not liking her answers. I don't care how much you like socially inept government surveyors pissing themselves in your home as you watch from another plane of existence; it's hard to masturbate to a schizophrenic's plea for help.

No one watches porn for the story, but that wouldn't be true if Fifi Foxx had her way. Each of Fifi and her partner Aiden's Offbeatr videos scream "We wanted to make art films, but had too many bills." First, Fifi encroaches on Sinna's territory with a video about the need to urinate in an apartment designed by a madman. Fifi's being evicted, and is dressed like she plans to survive by travelling the comic convention circuit cosplaying as Tifa Lockhart. She has five minutes to either finish packing her meager possessions into a tiny box or leave to find a bathroom and risk getting yelled at by the impatient landlord, because her own apartment doesn't contain a toilet. Completing both tasks isn't possible, for reasons that aren't explained. That would be like explaining why the Force exists; it's simply a fact of the drama unfolding before us.

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So much inner turmoil, all captured in one "What's that smell?" expression.

Elsewhere, Fifi answers a question every girl's had: "What if I run into my boyfriend's ex, and she plants a breast-shrinking curse on me and I have no special effects budget to adequately portray this?" Fifi finds the scenario erotic, and brings herself to orgasm in front of Aiden, but he has no particular opinion on the scenario and never felt compelled to warn Fifi that his ex is a vengeful sex magician. In Fifi's world, this raises no red flags.

In "Maxxxi Headroom," Fifi plays an artificial intelligence who's interrupted your regularly scheduled programming to make you achieve orgasm. The premise is hurt by the fact that you have to explicitly purchase and play the video, and further brought into question when you realize that no one has thought about Max Headroom since 1989, or masturbated to him since 1987. This does not stop Fifi from fully committing to the premise, manipulating her voice until she's slightly less erotic than a train asking you to stand clear of the closing doors.

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"Please, take out your genitals and manipulate them."

Next, Fifi portrays an android the way an actor hoping to score an Oscar portrays an autistic person. In a video that raises as many questions about free will as Blade Runner, but does so less sensually, a man tricks his robotic maid into assuming sexy positions, before giving her an oral sex firmware update. As she calibrates her newfound abilities on his dick, we're forced to ask ourselves about the ethical limits of exploiting machines, and what it feels like to replace your student script's passionate monologue on the nature of being with a robo-blowjob.

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"But why did she have that costume before the sex upgrade? I can't jerk off to plot holes."

Finally, there's "Waking Up As A Woman And Needing To Pee," a sexy version of the body horror classic Man Turns Into A Giant Fly And Gets Shot By His Girlfriend. Sadly, Aiden's portrayal of "tired man" is so overacted that he wouldn't get called back for "Tree #3" in an elementary school production of The Trees That Weren't Very Good Actors. Fifi then steps in as a former man so baffled by his new anatomy that he pisses all over the bathroom and himself. In Fifi's world, a man trying to grasp the concept of female urination is like a squid trying to understand the stars. Our hero's left with "no idea what to do about his new situation," and that's all the closure we get. A question about the fundamental nature of gender identity is disguised behind a video of a stupid man missing the toilet for the benefit of the no one who supported the production. Does it still count as selling out your artistic vision if there are no buyers?

You can read more from Mark, including his Daria urine fetish fanfiction, at his website.

See why your need to watch people bone makes the world go in 5 Ways Porn Created The Modern World, and find the best eats at your local sex shop in 9 Things You Can Eat When You're Hungry And At A Porn Store.

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