... into something worth masturbating to? Well, in the proposed comic "Fuck Me At Freddy's," (all links are incredibly not safe for work, unless you work somewhere cool), the animatronics are anthropomorphic hermaphrodites used by the most niche strip club ever conceived. The club's security guard, a young woman wearing a pair of semi-deflated beach balls, immediately gets kidnapped by the big-dicked furry robots for a wide variety of non-consensual acts. Just imagine the sex educators of today wondering if their doe-eyed students will eventually get off to this:

Offbeatr
"I think I heard something. Give me five minutes to turn around and look."

The pitch stresses that this isn't just a random porno, but rather a deeply personal passion project full of nuanced character work and an elaborate story. Readers are challenged to explore intriguing questions like "Who created these sex bots?" and "How many pills does that poor girl need to take for her back?"

Offbeatr
"Why are they made entirely of glitter?"

Contribute a mere 20 dollars, and you'll receive special backstory and insight into how the characters and plot were developed. That's a reasonable price for such information on most projects, but a bit steep for a PDF which presumably just reads "I was playing Five Nights At Freddy's one-handed when it came to me -- pun intended ;)." The creator is so convinced that you can't masturbate without sufficient lore that more info will be provided as more money is raised. Truly, this will be the most intellectually stimulating hermaphrodite furry robot gang rape comic ever created.

If you like the idea of jerking it to video game parodies, but prefer the "wizards and s**t" genre and have no taste, then check out World Of Porncraft: Whorelords Of Draenor. If a mere $10,000 are raised, you'll be able to play a game in which a night elf gets repeatedly violated by orcs, and also you have to save the world or whatever. Featuring the regular graphics of your Super Nintendo with the porn scene graphics of those late-night infomercials for sketchy video game design schools, World Of Porncraft: Someone Wrote This Name And Didn't Cringe So Hard That Their Face Ruptured is a deeply uncomfortable adventure through a baffling land that's rich in the kind of details no one's ever asked for.

Offbeatr
And the least erotic tutorial possible.

Is it a rule that complex plots are required to make you feel less weird about jerking it to a video game? Because back in my day, you just picked a Soul Cailbur girl and, uh ... I mean, wow, for $300 you can get a special "big tits" skin! But wait a second ...

Offbeatr

So what you're really saying is that I have to spend 300 bucks just to save time on a goddamn minigame? I'm onto your tricks, Whorelords Of Draenor!

If you like the concept of going down on someone and then beating them as hard as you can, but are turned off by the mannequin faces of Sam and her soon-to-be-wanted-by-the-FBI brother, you could pitch in to the $7,500 the creator of Foxy Box is looking for. What's Foxy Box, you ask? Why, it's the spiritual sequel to Topsy Boxy! While the rest of us were masturbating to the Fallout 4 trailer like normal people, one unsettling man was making more sex boxing games than a single civilization could ever need.

Offbeatr
Far, far more.

I'm no boxing expert, but I feel like there are a limited number of ways to introduce sex and then come up with a name that says English is your fourth language. Foxy Box's particular approach is hard to describe without sounding like a poster on a s**tty subreddit, but from what I can glean, our combatants -- all of whom are fighting out of Uncanny Valley -- mash their giant breasts together, and then the winner gets to knee the loser in the crotch. I'd say that can't be worse than Mayweather/Pacquiao, but only because that's the only boxing joke I know how to make. What I do know is that any game containing the phrase "breast-punching marathons" is going to be so terrible that IGN would only give it a 7/10.

Finally, because boxers with breasts which would render even basic athletics challenging is a fetish transcending all mediums, Bo Taffy (real name Broderick Taffy) is looking for $300 to manufacturer this figurine ...

Offbeatr

... which is based on a character from his comic books about nude boxers, which he creepily talks about as if they're real people.

Offbeatr

Chief, if people are giving you money so they can have a figurine of a topless boxer on their desk, I guarantee that they don't know if they have a latex allergy.

Hey, are you tired of searching through reams of porn to find a star who looks just like that girl you're afraid to talk to? Then contribute to Sex Twin, the photo-based porn search engine! Then kill yourself.

Offbeatr

Snap a shot of whoever, and find the adult entertainers who look similar to them? That's an awfully blase way to introduce a sexy dystopia, and also an obvious theft of the premise of my screenplay, Nineteen Eighty-Whores. It's a horrifying concept, for reasons I hope I don't have to explain, but that's the rule for some of Offbeatr's more ... fringe concepts.

Vaginas eating people, aside from being a good name for a riot grrrl band, is a particularly popular premise. In one video, a teacher is so frustrated with some of her students that she shrinks them and feeds them to her vagina. Because some people get off by watching a grown woman shove dolls into her body in the middle of what appears to be a living room hastily repurposed to resemble a classroom in a district a the budget of "Just bring in whatever you have lying around your living room and teach with that."

Offbeatr
"Some people" in this case being David Lynch.

If you object to mixing live action with inanimate objects, there's always "Satisfying The Boss's Hunger." In a relatable office problem conveyed to us with whatever basic skills are taught in a freeware 3D modelling program's tutorial, Jen's boss is eating her employees with her vagina and growing to gigantic proportions. You'd think that would be both counterproductive to morale and immediately sus**cious, but the description glosses over the logistics to note that the comic contains plenty of forced fatal unbirthing, absorption, female growth, "hot" vaginal vore action, and, of course, romantic tension. Jen just wants to go on a quiet dinner date, but her boss keeps eating the waiter instead of dessert! It's Rachel and Ross all over again!

Still too tasteful? Okay, you creep, then how does the sexy decapitation of Solgeth: A Guro Combat Extravaganza sound? If you already know what guro is, there's a chance we've run into each other in our therapist's waiting room. The premise is that you submit $125 and a character concept, the creator uses a dice system to simulate what clothes and limbs a bunch of characters lose in combat, they draw it all in gory detail, and whoever survives gets to have amputee sex with a tentacle monster.

Offbeatr
At least they only seem mildly inconvenienced by limb loss.

That sounds like an idea from someone who has bodies in his basement, right? Well, read this and see if you don't think of him in a different light:

Offbeatr

See, that guy obviously isn't hiding bodies. They're wishing for death.

Those of you who follow my work elsewhere know that there's nothing unusual about a urine fetish. But Sinna's Pee Adventures is an increasingly surreal series made by a woman who's being held hostage and/or doc*menting the unraveling of her mind through the only medium she knows.

Each of Sinna's videos offers an increasingly contrived excuse to piss herself. First we're told that she collapsed on the couch after an exhausting workday and just can't be bothered to move. Fine. I hope she doesn't have a roommate, but fine. Next, we see Sinna wake up in a bare concrete room. She's supposed to be a coquettish schoolgirl surprised to have wet the bed, but she looks like a sex trafficking victim who, in intense fear, resorted to a primitive defense mechanism.

Offbeatr
"Oh no, I shouldn't have drank that second water ration!"

At school, she needs to pee again, but her incorporeal teacher won't let her until she's finished her multiplication problems. This shouldn't pose a problem for Sinna, who's clearly in her early 30s. But she fails, because even simple math is difficult when it's about the economics of being an exploited prostitute, and she is granted no reprise. So she pees in class, further ruining the cheap floor, which has already seen far, far too much. She says this embarrasses her because she has a crush on a boy at school, but there are clearly no other students in this alleged place of learning. Is the boy an off-screen plot device, or a figment of her imagination designed to comfort her while she's taught to please wealthy western clients?

Offbeatr
"So if Vlad gets 95 percent, then how much am I left with to escape my war-torn homeland? Oh s**t."

Sinna's next video promises to show her urinating in a clothing store fitting room, but the preview clip plays like she's torn between pleading for help and enjoying the sweet embrace of temporary freedom as she and her captors search for the garment that will most impress a rich businessman from Omaha. Music plays. She wants to sing along, but only the faintest whisper escapes, as she knows as well as us what will happen if she's overheard expressing happiness. The lyrics are "And you've run away from home, I'll be here for you" -- Sinna hoping that one of us will be her heroic Norwegian DJ. She shows us her legs shaking uncontrollably in fear and anticipation. She holds the camera to her face like an infant examining a mirror while remaining ignorant of its function. She moves her mouth but nothing come out, because there is nothing left to say.

Offbeatr
Her eyes say it all.

Finally, Sinna plays a government official asking questions about your apartment building. There's only one toilet in the entire complex, and it's broken. How you and your fellow residents are coping goes unaddressed, but this perturbs Sinna. She tries to carry on, but soon urinates all over your couch. You don't object to this, because you're merely a fixed camera witnessing but not truly seeing Sinna's one-sided conversation with an empty room. You have no mouth, but you must scream at her to not pee on all your s**t.

Offbeatr
No, Sinna. No.

Sinna acts like she's watching civilians being executed, stopping in the middle of lines to gape at the inhumanity. Both the apartment and her work clothes are identical to those from her first video, so either she has a complete disregard for continuity or she's interviewing herself about the toilet in her own apartment and not liking her answers. I don't care how much you like socially inept government surveyors pissing themselves in your home as you watch from another plane of existence; it's hard to masturbate to a schizophrenic's plea for help.

Elsewhere, Fifi answers a question every girl's had: "What if I run into my boyfriend's ex, and she plants a breast-shrinking curse on me and I have no special effects budget to adequately portray this?" Fifi finds the scenario erotic, and brings herself to orgasm in front of Aiden, but he has no particular opinion on the scenario and never felt compelled to warn Fifi that his ex is a vengeful sex magician. In Fifi's world, this raises no red flags.

In "Maxxxi Headroom," Fifi plays an artificial intelligence who's interrupted your regularly scheduled programming to make you achieve orgasm. The premise is hurt by the fact that you have to explicitly purchase and play the video, and further brought into question when you realize that no one has thought about Max Headroom since 1989, or masturbated to him since 1987. This does not stop Fifi from fully committing to the premise, manipulating her voice until she's slightly less erotic than a train asking you to stand clear of the closing doors.

Offbeatr
"Please, take out your genitals and manipulate them."

Next, Fifi portrays an android the way an actor hoping to score an Oscar portrays an autistic person. In a video that raises as many questions about free will as Blade Runner, but does so less sensually, a man tricks his robotic maid into assuming sexy positions, before giving her an oral sex firmware update. As she calibrates her newfound abilities on his dick, we're forced to ask ourselves about the ethical limits of exploiting machines, and what it feels like to replace your student script's passionate monologue on the nature of being with a robo-b*****b.

Offbeatr
"But why did she have that costume before the sex upgrade? I can't jerk off to plot holes."

Finally, there's "Waking Up As A Woman And Needing To Pee," a sexy version of the body horror classic Man Turns Into A Giant Fly And Gets Shot By His Girlfriend. Sadly, Aiden's portrayal of "tired man" is so overacted that he wouldn't get called back for "Tree #3" in an elementary school production of The Trees That Weren't Very Good Actors. Fifi then steps in as a former man so baffled by his new anatomy that he pisses all over the bathroom and himself. In Fifi's world, a man trying to grasp the concept of female urination is like a squid trying to understand the stars. Our hero's left with "no idea what to do about his new situation," and that's all the closure we get. A question about the fundamental nature of gender identity is disguised behind a video of a stupid man missing the toilet for the benefit of the no one who supported the production. Does it still count as selling out your artistic vision if there are no buyers?

You can read more from Mark, including his Daria urine fetish fanfiction, at his website.

See why your need to watch people bone makes the world go in 5 Ways Porn Created The Modern World, and find the best eats at your local sex shop in 9 Things You Can Eat When You're Hungry And At A Porn Store.

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What the Hell Did I Just Read: A Novel of Cosmic Horror, the third book in David Wong's John Dies at the End series, is available now!