We'll give you one guess to try to figure out who's still hung over from their company 4th of July BBQ. (Here's a hint: We woke up just long enough to type up this paragraph and passed right the hell out again in the company parking lot.) It was just chaos last night, folks. Somebody got arrested, a blogger ate a cat and one of the interns woke up covered in a stripper's blood. While we all try to find our keys and dignity, you all enjoy a list of our best articles of the week.
You've gone a whole week without hating anything, let Gladstone teach you how to hateagain. Sick of learning to hate from Gladstone? Let Chris Bucholz teach you how to hate America. Or, let Ross teach you how to hate Websense. Or, let Swaim teach you how to hate Los Angeles. Or, let DOB help you re-hate America. Or England. It's not very clear. Hate hate hate!
HOLY SHIT, BATMAN!
7 People from Around the World with Real Mutant Superpowers
This is bullshit. No one on this list deserves powers more than us. Where is the justice? Where?!
Notable Comment:BearMan says "Every so often the Cracked staff write an article that makes me feel even more disappointed in what I've accomplished in life. This is one of those times." Hear that, boys? Another win for Cracked! Suck it, world!
13 Last Requests That Prove It's OK to Laugh at Dead People
Not that we needed justification to laugh at dead people or anything, but it's always nice to have it, just in case.
Notable Comment: The comments section of this article turned into a list of how the Cracked Readers want to die:
"i want my body to be remote parachuted into china. holding a gun. made of gold."-toastking
"buried in my "joss whedon is my master now" t-shirt, my ragged army surplus jacket, an umbrella, a wooden stake, a flashlight, extra batteries, and all my books."-owlsayssouth
"I'm going to follow Ernest Digweed's lead and leave all of my money to Zeus. If he doesn't claim his prize within a year, the money will be spent to dig up my body and dangle it off the back of a plane like one of those banners. On a sidenote, how hard was it to avoid a dickweed joke?"-CodyCastor
"I shall be cremated and have my ashes thrown into the eyes of assholes."-Zuul
RUDY RUDY RUDY!
5 Terrible Life Lessons Hollywood Loves to Teach You
Bonus Lesson: Hollywood makes good movies. False, the glory days are behind us all.
Notable Comment: Steveysteve says "I said it before and I'll say it again. You're all dicks." You were probably talking about us, but we're gonna go ahead and assume you were talking about the commenters. In which case, we agree.
11 Worst Fads Ever and the Celebrities Who Started Them
Because we know that you come to Cracked for one reason and one reason only: Fashion tips. We're here to tell you what's hot and what, conversely, is not. The answer may surprise you.
Notable Comment: Showalv says "I don't remember ever seeing Kurt Cobain in a flannel shirt. I hate when he gets lumped in with the "grunge Fashion"." Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, we give you exhibits A-C:
The prosecution rests.
BOOM BOOM BOOM!
5 Stupidest Movie Explosions
Giving you fresh reasons to hate Waterworld since 1958!
Notable Comment:User says "You guys have lost so much of my respect for no mention of Transporter 2." And there's the Catch 22. Do you have any idea how many people would lose respect for us if we did mention Transporter 2 for any reason? Tons, brother.
YOU YOU YOU!
25 Historical Events (As Depicted by 5 Year Olds)
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? Check out this week's contest that wonders what it would look like if eBay auctions were true and you can be.
Doctor Robotnik celebrates his sex change during Emerald Hill Zone's Pride Parade.
"Wow that's amazing! What did you use to make it?"
"VW Beetle body panels, an unused Zamboni, and my last shreds of dignity."
A picture for the troops to remind them what we're fighting for.
Dude, your bird is totally hanging out.
"Last one to the pyramid gets his heart ripped out of his chest."
I need the one at the bottom.
I've done it! I've created the perfect DNA model that unlocks all the secrets we've been waiting for! Now I just need to call the university and the media. Hey, does anyone know where the. . . oh fuck.
I swear to God, I will never go into a sex shop in Europe again.
They were the best Supremes tribute band on all of Xarglacma 12.
The Devil Drives Prada.
This car has no brakes. You just say "HEEL" and it listens.
On the deck, a tiny band is playing on.
That is a huge crowd considering they're just throwing crap into a lake
Instagram influencers are often absurd.
A good horror story is hard to pull off.
All commercials are a least a little weird.
These actions stars were so bad at being badass, they were just ass.