Books, Boobs and Biscuits: Cracked's Saturday Round-Up!
A whole lot happened this week. Well, that's what we're told, anyway. We don't really watch any news that isn't directly reported by us. If you got your news from anyone other than Lex Friedman this week, you probably know a lot more about what's going on in the rest of the world than we do, but you're also probably a much worse person.
While you're debating whether or not that's a loss or a win, let's check out the best comedy the internet has to offer from the last week. Afterwards, we can discuss whether or not any of these articles had anything to do with either boobs or biscuits.
This week on the best thing to happen to blogging since fingers, Ross gives us a terrifying video of some kind of headless robot monster dog. Meanwhile, Swaim helps you decide which sleazy governor is sleazier, serial ratist Chris Bucholz rates cop-raters, Gladstone breaks the story about Swaim's dog-raping tendencies, and D.O.B has some exceptional candidates for Hannah Montana's reptilian love life.
VERY OLD STRIPPERS!
The 8 Least Impressive Guinness World Records
Don't get too comfortable on your throne, guy who has the record for owning the most safety cones. We're coming for your cones and your record.
Notable Comment: A whole lot of people complained about inaccuracies that may or may not have taken place in this article, and for some reason, a debate about the difference between a yard and three feet emerged. Meanwhile, Holly says "I would like to break the record for most cats on my face," which we think is just adorable.
WHERE DO YOU PUT THE WAND?
The 25 Most Disturbing Sex Toys
Until this article, we thought "Auto-Suck" was what the producers used while recording Kenny G. albums.
Notable Comment: Strongbadia7 warns "Here's a tip: Don't EVER go to wikipedia to see what that prince's wand thing is for. Just don't do it. (oh...the pain...)" Why, how bad could it- Oh God. OH GOD, STOP IT!
MUHAMMAD ALI IS MAGIC!
The 5 Most Insane Comic Book Cameos
When can we make a cameo in a comic? Seriously. Jay Leno got to be in Spider-Man, can we be in Batman? Can we please be in the next Batman comic that comes out? Even if it's just for a second, even if we die, please? Please?
Notable Comment: TripleZ says "Just hope you don't get Hannah Montana,..., you see what I mean, she's sure to jump on an occasion to make more billions off our heads." Ahaha, yeah, what a bitch, right? Right? Yeah, total bitch.
VOTE FOR ME GOD DAMMIT!
5 Certifiably Insane Politicians People Still Voted For
To be honest, we'd probably vote for the tooth fairy, too.
Notable Comment: The comments section of this article is loaded with totally nuts politicians that are missing from this list. You know, we're beginning to think that this country's elected officials might not be the most stable or trustworthy people around ...
DON'T READ THESE BOOKS!
8 Self-Help Books You Probably Shouldn't Bother Reading
We're going to have to amend this list next fall when our self-help book, "Cracked.com's Guide to Not Reading Pathetic Self-Help Books" hits the shelves.
Notable Comment: Danoteck says "HAHA, I always thought that I was the "leading experts in premature ejaculation." I'm glad to know that I've been 'beaten' to it!" ZING! Loved it.
An Easter I'll Never, Ever, Ever Forget
Couldn't forget it if you tried. Not even with years and years of intense therapy.
YOU YOU YOU!
Error Message You Never Want to See
We're giving money away, folks. Giving money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? Check out this week's contest about Advertisements You'll See After the Apocalypse and you can be.
war veterans, all in one broadcast! That's got to be a record. And, hey look! We're still
FOR ONCE CAN WE LET A GORGEOUS MOMENT CAUGHT IN TIME NOT BE RUINED BY WORDS?
The real reason behind the first rule of Fight Club.
Fuck you, they were on sale.
That guy must REALLY hate doctors...
What REALLY happened to JFK was one of the Make-a-Wish foundation's best-kept secrets.
"It's not my fault... Martina Navratilova and the dude from Splinter Cell made me do it!"
"I said bring 'HOES you moron, not Hose!"
Electric cars may be green, but the extension cords are unwieldy.
I'm sorry Germany, Google Earth indicates there's a tumor in your Koln.
Even though hundreds had died when it had eaten its way through half the city, the giant mutant space slug won several architecture awards and was able to double its rental rates within a year.
Here we see a leprechaun shedding his winter hands. This unusual trait is what gave leprosy it's name.
Even after the leprechaun used his invisablity trick, the lady in the pink coat kept him in a headlock till she saw her gold.
Between his alchoholism, his poor temper, and his half-assed attempts to disguise his true nature, Seamus was always the least popular Transformer...
"We're Irish now. Try to blend in."