Theaters are still recovering from the release of Blended, the latest comedic phlebotomy from the demon that has taken possession of Adam Sandler. I haven't seen Blended because I don't own a hazmat suit, so how do I know it isn't secretly hilarious beneath its dumb surface, like Billy Madison was? Because I get my news from 20 years in the future, obviously. And Sandler repudiated the film himself, as you can read in his obituary.
The New New York Times-Feed
Adam Sandler, 67, Changed the Face of Comedy
May 32, 2034
REQUIEM FOR A GENIUS
Adam Richard Sandler, who was once the most successful comedic star in the world, died of a heart attack yesterday while trying to make his poops.
Sandler's body was found on the toilet by a beautiful maid he could never be with. Although clearly distraught in a sexy way, she described his death as "His funniest work to date." It was a fitting end for the actor, who played scatologically doomed losers to the point that they overshadowed both his career and his life. Eventually his filmography collapsed into the schlockiest of remakes, crossovers, and sequels.
Buena Vista Pictures
Probably the only monster they couldn't make funny.
Born September 9, 1966, to Stanley and Judy Sandler, the plucky lad showed comedic talent as a toddler when he would soil his diapers. Hilarity was his destiny, and as an actor he began crapping his pants on The Cosby Show, MTV's Remote Control, and Saturday Night Live. The poop was edited out of the shows' broadcasts, but Sandler still felt that there was a place for his unique brand of humor. Alas, like Icarus, he dared to fly too close to the sun, only for it to melt the taffy-like shit that stuck his wings together.
Is your money worth it, Columbia Pictures?
You probably didn't know he was Ash from Pokemon in his youth.
No man was ever lonelier than this comedic genius, beloved by all and understood by none. It wasn't till late in life that critics began to perceive his subtle, scathing satire of America's sense of humor. Among the criticisms against him:
For much of the 21st century, critics felt Sandler had abandoned his drive to succeed. Indeed, after a strong start with well-crafted dumb comedies, he produced 95 percent of Hollywood's comedy shitpile.
Whereas Billy Madison was about a spoiled brat determined to grow up and Happy Gilmore was about a good guy trying to save his grandma's house while conquering his rage, Grown Ups was about a guy who must choose between a weekend with his buddies at a lake house and a trip to Milan to support his wife, Salma Hayek -- which, come on, isn't even a decision. Paid millions to film his vacations, Sandler had entered a new period in his career.
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When you factor in all the time saved by not writing scripts, it's really like two vacations.
In retrospect, the film's premise that women's professional lives aren't as important as men peeing on each other is brilliantly satiric. By even positing that there was a choice to be made, Sandler skewered sexist -- and indeed savage -- early 21st century attitudes. It's difficult for us to look back now and realize that people accepted such a ludicrous juxtaposition as serious, but remember that human brains back then lacked both a metacortex and a LogicPure Syntho-Afferent Cognitive System(TM).
At the time, audiences perceived the film as merely another directionless Sandler comedy, so idiotic that it could cause heart defects in unborn children. But with Grown Ups, Sandler had upended the "vomedy" genre (pioneered by Sex and the City and perfected by Entourage) of awful people making their outrageous adventures boring.
Nowhere was this better proven than in Grown Ups 4: Movin' 2 Da Streetz (tag line: It's ON now!), when the actor unzips his fly (exposing a comically misshapen penis), sneers into the camera, "This is what you want, America, you cheap slut?" and urinates on the lens for an impressive 110 seconds. If one didn't know how subversive this humor was, one could easily mistake it for a man too rich to make an effort.
Like all great creators, Sandler worked with his preferred stable of talent, but at times their light was diminished in the glare of his achievements. As such, colleagues like Rob Schneider came off as talentless hacks with an undeserved sense of their own ability.
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That douche was an anti-vaxxer, so, historically speaking: Fuck him in the face with the smallpox-infected arm of a dead baby.
Perhaps the best example of this was director Dennis Dugan, whom Sandler once pledged never to quit on, "No matter how wretched and insensate our films become." Their partnership concluded in 2017 with a trilogy of feature films set in Bora Bora that featured Sandler rubbing Vaseline on a bound and gagged Alice Eve's ears.
Critics praised Eve's "startlingly realistic" terror, but theaters rejected the avant-garde comedy for a scene in which Sandler accidentally crucifies a gay couple. These days, of course, all citizens can use the Overmind to view the film through Sandler's eyes and see its nuanced genius. Eve's character is all of us, and the comedian is our species' history of genocide.
Dugan died of septic shock in 2019 after being bitten by a child with a potty mouth. Sandler was devastated by the loss, refusing to speak in a high-pitched voice or take a slapstick shot to the nuts for an entire year.
A Confederacy of Dunces (2028)
Sandler's first book adaptation moved the picaresque novel from New Orleans to Aruba while merging most of the book's eclectic characters into a stoner played by Kevin Nealon. The bulk of the film is simply Sandler singing "The Hot Dog Song" through a perpetual belch. Keen-eyed viewers can spot the Waterboy in several scenes, urinating on important cultural artifacts.
As proven in the comedy(?) Click, time is more valuable than money. After achieving financial success, the legendary comedian never wasted time devising a funny script or compelling characters. It was far cheaper to swallow the costs of filming a major motion picture without chewing, since they would recoup themselves regardless. Defenders argued that lots of people like lazy comedies, so what was the harm? Apart from all the children that money could have fed.
The nadir of his ambition was when he teamed up with Guy Fieri to create a Grown Ups-themed chili. If ever there was a dinner recipe lazy enough to be worthy of the Grown Ups theme, it is chili. Chili is what happens when a cow falls asleep in an onion patch on the hottest day of the year. Like the Grown Ups series itself, it is enjoyed best if one simply leaves the room and lets it stew in its own juices for four hours. Both will end in a massive pile of crap.
But Sandler was not a man to rest on his chili bowl. Recognizing the flaw, he poured himself into 2021's RoboChubby Turns a Lesbian. No film before or since had ever realized such a profound vision of a slob, his dumpy sidekick, and a legitimate actress slumming because Hollywood wouldn't give her a starring feature.
For crying out loud, Warner Bros./
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A turning point.
Blended 2: This Is the Remix was cobbled together from 80 percent deleted scenes from its predecessor. However, in fairness to Sandler, he was unable to film more, since, while vacationing/filming in Africa the second time, he was attacked by a cheetah who had seen That's My Boy. Frequent Sandler collaborator Rob Schneider was never seen again, possibly because no one ever looked for him. On a more positive note, two members of the Black Eyed Peas died in the attack.