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An Honest Cover Letter for the Recently Unemployed

Hello Decision-Makers,

I am a human guy in your city who possesses the exact skills everyone is looking for, and I'm very excited to join your ranks -- provided the position offered has immediate upper-management potential and is of the highest pay scale.

Assuming that is the case, I am officially submitting my application (as well as a few "business images" I've sprinkled throughout my cover letter to assure you that I know what business looks like) for employment with your company, which I plan to someday rename LightningFist Unlimited. Naming things is just one of the many skills you can count on from a born leader like me. In fact, I've given myself more than 31 awesome nicknames over the last four years, with no signs of slowing down.

Rocktor Cocktavius. Let's call that 32.

Stewart Sutton/Photodisc/Getty Images
Rock Cock knows that business goes beyond the 10-to-3.

In case you're wondering if I'm familiar with words that Google assures me look good on applications, let's just say I'm comfortable gratuitously referring to myself as a self-motivated, multitasking individual who thinks outside the box in his quest to stay competitive in deadline-oriented, fast-paced, collaborative environments. I'm a team player, the sort of person who plays on a team -- a dedicated, career-driven problem-solver who also redefines all those words. You know what I'm talking about. Synergy. Office supplies. As you can see, my long and varied career hunt has made me job-search-buzzword savvy with no fear of using some hyphens.

Many of the acronyms I'm familiar with are: SEO, SEM, DOE, EOE, EIEIO, RIP, OSHA, FDA, B2B, CNN, M&M, ASAP.

Digital Vision/Photodisc/Getty Images
It's all a part of TCB (Taking Care of Business).

I'm equally at ease leading a large team or being in charge of the whole company. It's this flexibility that allows me to accomplish any task set before me, provided I have a group of smart, non-annoying employees to do most of the accomplishing. Additionally, I'm fully prepared to take a salary and do no work at all, simply existing as an honorary consultant, board member, or whatever my title needs to be for tax purposes.

My experience runs deep. For some time I've been a major asset in every key industry, working with all the top players. But there's a reason I'm no longer consulting for those places, and that reason is none of your concern. All you need to know is that in the places I've worked, I have very rarely done more harm than good. Anyway, I prefer not to dwell on the past. Instead, I look to the future, because the future is not written. It's full of opportunity and yet to be documented in some big FBI file. My five-year plan includes running this business and, eventually, reading subpar cover letters to my staff with a knowing look on my face. My 10-year plan centers on a private space station.

How will I accomplish all this? Hard work, dedication, and above all, $killz. For example, if you've reached this point, you already know that my written communication proficiency is off the charts bazonkers. Writing is my art, except for when I'm painting or sculpting.

Francesco Ridolfi/iStock/Getty Images
Or businessing.

Written communication is just the start. I'm a well-rounded executive. Organization, operations, inspiration, leadership -- anyone can do that. What you need is someone with the hard skills to make a real difference and, when called for, pay the billz. That's me. It would be quicker to list the skills I don't have, which is exactly what I did in my resume (attached).

But let's stop being coy. The question on everyone's mind in these situations is, inevitably, "Will this guy make big money for our company?" The answer is an unequivocal yes. I have a two-point plan based on the "spend money to make money" principle. No one spends money like I do, so it follows that we will be making tons of money together in short order. My spending habits are well-documented through voice mails from creditors, my curious lack of legitimate bank statements, and my angry friends and in-laws, all available on request.

Jupiterimages/Polka Dot/Getty Images
Keeping good records is keeping good business.

I also know an awful lot about ants -- their foraging habits, breeding behavior, and basic social order. $100 that I don't have says your company doesn't already have a guy like that. Does it seem like you have no use for a person who knows an awful lot about ants? Well, it's good that I'm here to remind you that ants are everywhere. Even at LightningFist Unlimited.

These are only a few of the qualities that set me apart from all the weirdos and degenerate scumbags who have also applied for the position. I believe my enormous vision and desire for a paycheck are exactly what this company needs, and then some. If you disagree, it's probably time for management to reconsider how valuable you are to the company. We can talk more about it when we meet next Tuesday at 10:30 a.m. sharp.

Christopher Robbins/Photodisc/Getty Images
The early bird gets the business.

My enclosed resume will demonstrate how I can create a document and then BOOM! Just like that, I can attach it to an email. With any luck, you'll be smart enough to open it.

Sincerely,

Charley Daniels

Future Chairman and CEO

LightningFist Unlimited

REFERENCES

1) Oprah

Media Mogul

Contact: 1-888-O

2) Jesus Christ

Savior

Contact: Within yourself, and all of us

3) Joe Biden

Second in Command, The Free World

Contact: @JoeBiden

SALARY REQUIREMENT

What have you got? Double it.

Attached: Resume

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