One of my favorite movies of all time is Robin Hood: Prince Of Thieves. I love it for a complex melange of reasons that can be best boiled down to a mix of other people liking it sincerely balanced against how awful it actually is. That so many people loved it despite what a majestic turd it is made me love it. It's the contrast, I suppose.
One of the best scenes in Robin Hood is when Kevin Costner's accent has had enough of Christian Slater's accent, and the two throw down.
Oh no! Now, Slater goes on to butcher the King's English for the rest of the film anyway, but his hand is fine as hell, because in Hollywood, a crippling hand wound that would ensure your inability to properly grip anything ever again is also known as "no big deal, be better in an hour." And do you know why? Because Hollywood understands as much about the human body as I understand about Eritrean politics.
According to the University of Washington website, a 120 lb woman risks alcohol poisoning by drinking nine shots in a three-hour period of time. In Raiders Of The Lost Ark, Marion finishes what looks to be 12 shots within what we can assume would be about six minutes, even though we show up 10 shots into the game.
Effectively, Marion should be dead several times over at this point. But hey, she's a robust movie drinker, so not only is she OK, but she's also ready to engage in a high-stakes action scene only moments later, during which she actually pauses to drink even more, consciousness and balance be damned!
If this is how this woman drinks regularly, then it's surprising that when the Ark gets opened at the end of the film, the wretched ghost of her liver doesn't bloat its way out of the damn thing to kill a few Nazis, as it would be the most terrifying thing anyone had ever seen.
Not to be outdone, here's a badass scene from Tombstone in which Doc Holliday shows up Johnny Ringo despite the fact he's both drunk and has no lungs thanks to tuberculosis -- making his sarcastic cup-handling display all the more impressive, since he should be in a box somewhere.
Essentially, Hollywood has two kinds of drinkers: losers like us mortals who actually suffer the ill effects of alcohol and are quickly ignored as weak and unworthy, and those who have ascended like vikings to the mighty mead halls of Valhalla, where booze can replace plasma in your bloodstream and sobriety is just a phase that interrupts your longer moments of loud creativity and awesomeness.
Nothing gets disrespected more in film than pain. There's no such thing as pain in an action movie. Can you even imagine a cop film that followed real-life reactions in any way? Picture John McClane hiding out in an office building, when terrorists arrive and shoot the glass out as he runs barefoot, his feet being sliced to ribbons until he hobbles to the bathroom, where he removes the stray shards, rinses his feet, and then promptly collapses into a heap of pain as blood continues to flow and his completely unusable feet swell up into pulpy, meaty pain nubs that he'll be unable to put any weight on for well over a month.
While glassy feet are a rare treat, shoulder shots are a dime a dozen in movies. Beverly Hills Cop, Commando, Fast & Furious, Eraser, Predator ... hell, maybe every Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. The shoulder is the go-to "barely hurts" injury in most movies with gunplay. Fact is, you have a lot of bones and soft tissue in that area. Any gunshot wound runs the risk of hitting the brachial artery, which will cause you to bleed out pretty damn quickly, and also shattering some of those bones you're going to want to use later in the movie when you're hanging off of helicopters and firing machine guns. For the most part, a gunshot wound to the shoulder is rendering your arm useless at best, and killing you at worst.
The added bonus here is that, depending on what got shredded, you could have a shoulder blade that's in pieces, bone fragments everywhere, nerve damage thanks to the brachial plexus, or maybe an arm that's only attached by the skin on the outside while the joint inside is completely destroyed. Who knows? All of that should leave you crying like a baby.
On the upside, in a movie, a shoulder wound is a lot like kissing someone who's been chewing tobacco -- there's a moment of unpleasantness, but then you make a face and it's over, and now you have to do other things.