#2. Ninja Cat Puppets
This cartoon/puppet show reiterates the theme of defending food from invaders. This time it's a cat, tasked with protecting a granary from mice. We probably won't need to tell you that the puppets look creepy as hell:
It's all too easy to imagine this thing vomiting green bile and screaming profanities about your mom.
Despite its horror movie prop looks, the cat-thing isn't much of a fighter. The mice almost get away with the food, but then a soldier cat shows up to save the day.
No real cats were harmed during the production of this film. Probably.
This cat, unlike the first one, is fucking hardcore -- he zooms around at lightning speed and kicks all sorts of ass, finally unleashing a special stun move that looks like it belongs in Dragon Ball Z.
He uses a lens flare to blind his victims, a technique later perfected by J.J. Abrams.
The ranks of the mice are taken apart. Literally. They're stabbed with claws and smashed against walls, and it's shown in no uncertain terms that the few mice that do survive are reduced to little more than empty shells that face a lifetime of nightmares and therapy sessions.
The granary now appears safe, but the soldier cat decides to train the younger cat in case the mice return. The few viewers that are not at this point huddling behind the couch are treated to a Rocky-style training montage.
Some people think the United States and North Korea will never be on friendly terms, but we believe there's always hope for two countries that both understand the power of a montage.
But instead of focusing on his training, the cat daydreams about being tough and scary. The mice, discovering his willingness to take the easy way, trick him into putting on a lion costume. The cat thinks he looks like hot shit, but the fake paws ruin his ability to fight.
It's the exact same strategy Ali used to defeat George Foreman.
With the cat incapacitated, the mice run wild ... until the soldier cat returns to 1) save the day again and 2) traumatize the rest of the viewers.
With extreme prejudice.
The younger cat is humbled, but learns the valuable lesson that training hard is more important than taking shortcuts. Also, if your greatest enemy gives you free stuff, it might not be the best idea to use it.
Behold, the power of socialism!
The moral of the story:
"We must reject capitalism's lazy, decadent culture, and their furries."
#1. North Korean Frogs Are Badass
The importance of agriculture and defending the homeland from invaders are two common themes in North Korean cartoons, which of course makes sense when your country is isolated and constantly on the brink of famine. But how do you stress the need to keep your land free of pests and parasites in a way that's accessible to kids?
If your answer is "With utter insanity, of course," step forward and claim your prize.
"With a frog that can kick your ass!" would also have been acceptable.
Meet the creature we're just going to go ahead and call the North Korean Superfrog. This cute little guy has an adorable red uniform, an adorable water bottle made out of a lemon and an adorable gigantic gun that can shoot lasers and darts. Also, he has a praying mantis girlfriend who drives an itty-bitty motorcycle. Superfrog's got it all, man! And he doesn't mess around either -- in the opening 10 seconds he graphically guns down a dozen or so insects who are trying to eat his plants.
And leaves their bodies as a warning to the others.
But the insects soon come up with a cunning plan: a moth blinds the Superfrog, and the bugs move in and start devouring the crops while he's incapacitated. It looks like a disaster, but the frog calmly remembers his training and sounds the alarm. Cue the mantis girlfriend, who instantly jumps the bugs and starts chopping through them with a freaking sword.
We guess that makes her a preying mantis. Anyone?
Meanwhile, the Superfrog manages to rinse his eyes and, using his superior North Korean marksmanship, goes on a rampage that Rambo would plea for him to dial back.
Thus marking the first time in military history where a frog was effective in combat.
The bugs panic and try to flee, but get mercilessly slaughtered anyway. And we mean slaughtered -- this cartoon's body count easily reaches triple digits. It doesn't skimp on the on-screen violence either -- this bug, for instance, gets shot in the back so hard its head pops off:
Where were scenes like this in ThunderCats?
The aftermath is not unlike a scene from 300, except instead of a melodramatic soundtrack it's the same happy goofy kids' music that seems to play in all of these cartoons.
Above: More disturbing then anything in Fritz the Cat.
Somehow, this makes it so much worse.
The moral of the story:
"The crops will not be safe until absolutely everyone else is dead."
You can read more from Mark at Zug, where he experiments with ridiculous beliefs and remedies the Internet thinks are real.
For more insane cartoons, check out 5 Classic Cartoons They Don't Want You To See and The 6 Creepiest Things Ever Slipped Into Children's Cartoons.