Transforms into: A space shuttle and a locomotive
Why is he useless?
Astrotrain can turn into a space shuttle, a robot or a locomotive, which makes him virtually unstoppable, provided his enemies wait patiently on train tracks directly in front of him. One of Megatron's henchmen, Astrotrain had delusions of running the show and taking over the world one day. The details of his diabolical plot are still kind of blurry, but one thing is crystal clear: Trains were probably not only involved, but essential.
About a year ago all the New Jersey Transit workers went on strike and refused to run the trains. We remember not being affected even a little bit. Diagnosis: Don't go bragging about your triple-changing abilities if one of your changes is a goddamn train.
Transforms into: A spaceship (Scattershot), a motorcycle (Afterburner), a "space fighter" (Strafe), a car (Lightspeed) and a tank with a drill on it (Nosecone)
Why are they useless?
Five unpredictable, badass robots combine to form Computron, whose motto is, we shit you not, "Thorough data analysis is essential for the synthesis of successful strategy." Right off the bat, we're disappointed in a Transformer who has a motto that isn't "I'm a giant robot who fucking loves fighting other giant robots."
Apparently, it is unclear to the executives behind Transformers why we, and many other nerds, watched the show to begin with. We suppose the burden of responsibility falls on us to clarify: It's the giant robots fighting each other . In case you guys weren't sure-if, perhaps, it was neck and neck between robot-fighting and data analysis-we pray ours can be the deciding vote. When you have five loose-cannon robots, all of whom are just itching to fight other robots with or without a reasonable excuse, for Christ's sake, don't ruin every single one of them by sticking them together to make Nerdmotron 6000.
Transforms into: A detective that also happens to be a car
Why is he useless?
Criminal No. 1: Hey, I think we should stop talking about our secret plans.
Criminal No. 2: Why's that?
Criminal No. 1: I think we're being followed by the Enormous Transforming Robot Detective.
Criminal No. 2: You mean that Honda wearing a trench coat and reading the newspaper?
Criminal No. 1: [pause] Yes. That's exactly what I mean.
Private detectives rely on being able to blend in and remain incognito while spying on suspects. Leave the huge, shape-shifting robot monster at home for this one.