Christmas
Die Hard is a Christmas movie, yes, but did you realize Die Hard is the horniest Christmas movie? It's true. But what makes a Christmas movie? Well, those three things, plus a dash of crazy in the eggnog. Just don't do like A Muppet Christmas Carol and lose the footage to “When Love Is Gone.” Every second of that movie is a treasure, #NoMoreLostMuppets.
We should probably talk about the reason for the season: War! That's right, ask the Fox News crowd and the reason for Christmas is war. Some stores are fighting the War on Christmas bravely, and good on them. We'd hate for anyone involved to understand the Bible version of Christmas.
But seriously, enjoy Cracked's Christmas articles below. And remember: getting to Christmas means you survived another year. That's something to celebrate.
6 Badass Old-Timey Christmas Mascots (We Need to Bring Back)
Why must it always be boring old Santa? There are so many badass Christmas characters out there, just waiting for their time in the limelight.
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- By Pauli Poisuo
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0 The 6 Craziest Pieces of Christmas Fan Fiction
Don't ruin your holidays with the following stories, which are so bizarre, they're almost impossible to masturbate to.
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- By Mark Hill
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30 Unseen Dark Sides of Famous Christmas Movies
Christmas movies may end all warm and fuzzy over a cup of hot cocoa -- but what happens after the credits?
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- By Cracked Plasticians
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Undeniable Proof That European Christmas Is Terrifying
There's a subgenre of a subgenre of fiction devoted entirely to Christmas. And it's mostly about ladies who want rough sex from the Krampus.
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- By Chris Sims
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The 7 Worst Gifts People Seem to Give Every Christmas
I have no idea what your family likes, but I know what they hate, because no one likes this shit.
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- By Felix Clay
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6 Holiday Traditions We Should Stop Pretending to Enjoy
There's at least one person in every Secret Santa program who clearly just gives out random crap they have laying around the house.
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- By Adam Tod Brown
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The 4 Craziest Holiday Episodes of '80s Cartoons
While most Christmas things are presents for the kids, cartoon Christmas episodes are presents for the parents: They're the only sure way to get the kids to just sit down for a bit, sweetie, Mommy and Daddy are very tired. Which may be why parents in the 1980s didn't notice that their kids were watching solid crazy.
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- By Luke McKinney
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10 Christmas Decorations That Will Haunt Your Dreams
The following Christmas decorations are a testament to the fact that even psychopaths and serial killers apparently make time between pulling the legs off insects and fashioning skin suits to celebrate the holidays.
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- By Raoni Lacerda, Adam Wears, Tracy V., Kelly Stone, Brittany H.
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The 5 Most Baffling Pieces of Christmas Themed Fan Fiction
Without further ado, let's see the genital-shriveling ways your favorite characters celebrate the holidays.
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- By Mark Hill
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The 17 Worst Christmas Specials Possible
We asked our readers to show us what would happen if entertainers just said,
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- By Cracked Plasticians
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9 Disturbing Christmas Ads You Won't Believe Are Real
Here are some old-school holiday ads that make us wonder what the hell the past was thinking.
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- By Diana McCallum
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4 Things Hollywood Gets Wrong About the Holidays
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- By Daniel O'Brien
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5 Ways to Actually Steal Christmas
Like a lot of you, I am basically a monster, and as is the case every year, this holiday season has filled me with bile.
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- By Chris Bucholz
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The 4 Craziest Moments in the History of Christmas Specials
If you're anything like me, you grew up with TV as your Christmas nanny. Therefore, you know that some bizarre things happened on television during the holiday season.
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- By Kristi Harrison
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6 Horrifying Implications of Classic Christmas Movies
Christmas movies are all about magic, miracles and faith. Except for these six 'family friendly' Christmas films that contain nothing but horror beneath their shiny wrapping paper.
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- By Erik Germ, Chris Abboud
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