The 5 Most Baffling Pieces of Christmas Themed Fan Fiction
Christmas is a time for family, goodwill toward your fellow man, and stories about Santa sodomizing Scooby-Doo. What, that last one's not a tradition for you? You must not be a fan fiction writer.
As we've told you twice before, fan-fic writers don't let little things like "sanity" get in the way of their favorite characters meeting and then immediately boning. And unlike the rest of us, they don't take a Christmas vacation. So without further ado, let's see the genital-shriveling ways they celebrate the holidays.
Twilight's Edward Is Santa Claus, Ruins Christmas
Sexy Santa is a Twilight fan fiction story that replaces all that vampire crap from the popular novels and movies with Santa-on-Santa sex. We'll let you decide if this is an improvement or not.
The story begins with series protagonist Bella Swan prancing around her house in some sexy Christmas-themed lingerie that her friend forced her to try on, when her sparkly vampire boyfriend Edward Cullen emerges from her chimney. Except that in this world, Edward isn't a vampire and they've never met before. Also he's Santa:
"Tisk, tisk, tisk. And if you are so curious my name is Edward Cullen, also known as Santa Claus all over the world."
How have we never noticed the obvious resemblance?
Edward explains to the shocked Bella that he is literally St. Nicholas, but he didn't exactly come here to deliver any presents. Let's just say Bella's chimney isn't the only thing he'll be forcibly inserting himself into tonight.
Where It Gets Really Creepy:
It's not long before Edward Claus strips off his Santa suit and puts the "non-consensual" in "non-consensual sex":
The man smirked and stepped forward making Bella take a cautious step backwards. He took another step forward and she took one backwards. It was a game of predator and prey and it ended when Bella hit her couch and fell back into the comfortable pillows, Edward quickly climbing on top of her, trapping her to her couch.
"Y-you kn-know t-this can be illegal." Bella weakly said.
Pictured: Her scared face.
Bella, naturally, is turned on by the strange man in a Santa suit who invaded her home and pinned her to a couch, and they end up having sex. However, it turns out that their night of passion distracted Edward from his other obligations, and as a result the world has lived its worst Christmas since ever. Bella turns on the TV the next morning and sees a downcast newscaster deliver the following news:
"Today was a tragedy for most kids, and some adults around the whole word. More than half of the kids didn't receive their presents from Santa." The woman paused and looked into the camera with a sad expression.
"Those who were visited report crusty stockings curiously devoid of candy."
And then, in a shocking plot twist, it's revealed that the whole thing was actually a setup: Bella's friend thought she needed to get laid, so she got her brother Edward to dress up as Santa and seduce her. They also bought television airtime and had their friends make a fake news report that happened to air at the exact moment Bella turned on her television, because that was simpler than just introducing the two.
Transvestite Santa's Murder Mystery (Featuring Every Show Ever)
Most fan fiction crossovers (where characters from one series meet and inevitably fuck characters from another) involve two, maybe three different franchises. Go beyond that, and you'll have more characters to keep track of than in Game of Thrones, and about as many awkward sex scenes.
But the author of Who Killed Santa? threw caution to the wind, along with their mental health and probably their underwear. This story unites the female characters from Law & Order, Law & Order: SVU, Law & Order: Trial by Jury, CSI, CSI: New York, Charlie's Angels, The Division, Cagney & Lacey, Murder, She Wrote, Nancy Drew, Cold Case, D.E.B.S., Crossing Jordan, The X-Files, and Scooby-Doo, Where Are You? That's 15 shows. Did anyone even watch D.E.B.S.?
Honestly, there was enough sexual tension between those last two shows; why ruin it by adding more people?
In the story, our many, many heroines visit the National Women in Law Enforcement Conference to get their crime education, and also their dildos, on. Things take a turn for the weird when they come across Santa's corpse:
Santa was slumped down in his chair, arms hanging limply at his sides, white gloves dragging the floor. His eyes were closed, his head lolled to one side. He looked as if he was sleeping or passed out -- except for the trail of white foam coming from his mouth.
"Looks like someone made ... the naughty list." -someone from the CSI shows, probably
This is just a mall Santa, but still, a crime is a crime. Everyone investigates while swapping painfully awkward banter. Here's a character from Law & Order: SVU hitting on one of Charlie's Angels (who must be in her 60s by now):
She flashed a mischievous smile. "I believe elves only come out at Christmas, detective. But, fairies are known to be out all year long." She batted her eyes, exaggerated her southern drawl even more. "Why, I'd dare say I would know a fairy when I see one."
Detective Benson's eyebrow arched. With a slight smile, she tilted her head at Kelly. "I take it you like fairies, Ms. Garrett?"
"And I hope you like nauseous, unrelenting nightmares, readers."
Where It Gets Really Creepy:
Soon they realize that Santa Claus was packing some serious heat. Instead of a penis, that is:
Turns out Santa isn't a Mr. Claus at all. He's a Mrs. Claus. When they stripped the red suit off, they discovered Santa had a 12-inch purple strap-on hidden beneath the pillows that made his belly shake like a bowl full of jelly.
The detectives determine that Santa wasn't murdered -- she choked to death on a nut. (Literally -- that's not a euphemism.) Everyone celebrates, and two Law & Order ladies start cross-examining each other's privates. Because how else should you react when you discover a transvestite dildo-sporting Santa tragically asphyxiated in your hotel?
"Weigh the corpse down with fruitcake and we'll drop it in the lake."
The Grinch Who Stole a Who's Virginity
Yes, someone saw The Grinch Who Stole Christmas and thought, "This needs more fucking." It shouldn't surprise us, really, since technically the Grinch counts as a furry.
Dearly Beloved is set during the Grinch's teenage years, because an erotic tale starring a severely deformed adult covered in green hair somehow wasn't disturbing enough. It's been nine years since the Grinch left Whoville, and his childhood sweetheart, Martha May Whovier (a character from the Jim Carrey movie), misses him and decides to pay him a visit on Christmas Eve.
Further proof that no good came from making this.
At first, the Grinch is less than thrilled to see her, as you can tell from his very un-Seussian language:
"Oh, Martha May, don't give me that inbreed Whoville bullshit." He turned back to her in a mocking voice. "No one should be alone on Christmas yada yada. I've been alone on Christmas for nine years, why is this one special."
But then Martha May reveals that "No one should be alone on Christmas" is code for "I'm here to jump your bones," and you can almost hear the hoo-hoovers and jing-tinglers start up a porno groove.
"My lifetime of avoiding pants is about to pay off!"
"There's one other present I want to give you." His eyes went to the bow on her throat. "Open it."
Where It Gets Really Creepy:
The Grinch completes their little gift exchange with a green, furry fingerbang:
He increased the speed of his hand, which increased the moans coming from her and decreasing the strength of her legs at the moment. She looked up at him, eyes pleading, "Grinch -- ah!"
"... and that's where this has been."
Martha then returns the favor by giving the Grinch a handjob, so hopefully they had some carpet cleaning product at hand to wash out the resulting mess from his body before it hardened. Speaking of which, the Grinch is back in top shape in a matter of seconds, and what follows is a detailed description of him and Martha bumping uglies for the first time.
"No, no, no," He whispered into her ear, softly kissing her face in an attempt to lessen the pain. "You silly girl, your suppose to go slow, not impale yourself. Didn't your mother ever tell you that?"
Apparently, his heart wasn't the only thing that grew three sizes.
It turns out that, despite being a virgin, the Grinch knows a lot about sex from reading the crumpled, sticky porno mags discarded by the citizens of Whoville. Finally he gets Martha to climax while looking at his face ... somehow:
Her back arched, her head tipped back and her eyes closed, mewing noises coming from her mouth. "Look at me." His voice came out in a harsh pant, she could barely manage to open them from the pleasure. "Oh!"
Above: The Grinch's O-face. Which is really more of a V-face.
The Gilmore Girls Get Spanked by Boner-Sporting Santa
The Gilmore Girls, if you never watched the show, followed young Rory Gilmore and her single mother, Lorelai, as they learned, loved, and were molested by Santa Claus, apparently.
Or at least that's what New Christmas Tradition for the Gilmores tells us. It's Christmas Eve in the Gilmore household, and Rory is preparing to go to bed when Santa shows up and, without explanation, begins spanking her mercilessly:
She found herself in the presence of Santa in her upstairs bedroom and smiled, but Rory was pulled over Santa's lap while she yelled you wouldn't dare.
St. Nick didn't give a care that Rory thought this was unfair.
"Ho-ho-ho, Merry Rapesmas!"
Note that Rory doesn't seem at all surprised to learn of the existence of Santa -- she was only shocked when he revealed himself to be a perv, which suggests that in this world everyone knows that Santa is real, but his little hobby is kept secret and possibly covered up by the likes of the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. Anyway, Rory tries to resist, but Santa's lust will not be denied. At one point, the narrator says that "Rory felt Santa's middle sticking," which is a subtle way of saying "He had a massive boner."
"Zip" Rory's jean zipper was lowered embarrassingly; helplessly Santa lifted her hips.
As Santa tugged and pulled until her snug jeans were lowered to her knees as Rory sounded her plea.
Rory's green panties displayed her butt crack,
as she saw her bare bottom in a large mirror size plaque.
Yeah, the whole thing is written entirely in the form of a prose poem, because really, what other format could give us beautiful imagery like this?
As opposed to the actual show, which was written entirely in the form of whimsical one-liners.
Her breathtaking spank spot was glowing bright red with blisters
like fields of white sugar plums all aflame on her bum.
A rump a-pa pum bum, drummed its cadence into her burning bum.
That's right, they rhymed "bum" with "bum" twice. We had to check to make sure we weren't reading T.S. Eliot.
Where It Gets Really Creepy:
Whatever shred of dignity may have remained here is destroyed when Rory farts on Santa's face:
When suddenly Rory got an eggnog, candy cane coffee induced cramp in her gut.
She reared up her butt and blew a put splut.
Santa was startled by the young woman's fart.
and doubled the swat for the unladylike plop.
"You were right, 'Yuletide Burritos' were a terrible idea."
Good luck taking your kids to see Santa at the mall without picturing that scene. Santa then ties the pantsless Rory to her bed, but sadly, we don't find out what his plans for her were, because the author of this story only finished one chapter. Write your own ending! Then never show it to us.
Santa Reunites Harry Potter and His Dead Pedophile Lover
Harry Potter has been thrust into so many uncomfortable pairings by fan fiction writers that we're not even surprised by these stories anymore. Harry teams up with Batman? There are a bunch of those. Harry and Obama? Yep. The story Come Christmas Morning, however, is a real holiday miracle because it proves that our ability to be shocked by the Internet isn't completely broken yet.
The story, set in the future, begins with Harry's twin 4-year-old daughters sending a letter to Santa where they ask for their father's true love to be returned to life. Who are they talking about? Why, it's none other than the late Professor Severus Snape, the borderline sociopathic teacher who 90 percent of all non-Harry Potter readers assume to be the villain of the series.
SPOILER: He isn't really evil, just a child fucker.
And so, on Christmas morning, Harry finds a living Snape unceremoniously dumped on his doorstep by Santa Claus, apparently a necromancer as well as a toymaker. Although Harry is an adult now, the story explains that he and Snape hooked up while he was still a young student, carefully weaving their romance around the last book's events:
They had gotten together in the middle of Harry's six year with the help of their friends and family. The teachers had approved after many promises of no favoritism and the headmaster had congratulated them with a mad twinkle in his eyes.
Yeah, because that's the only problem here. Teacher favoritism. Anyway, Harry and zombie Snape soon get reacquainted and start getting hot and heavy:
The hands around his hips grew more confident as they moved sensually down to his arse. Harry couldn't help the moan that was lost into Severus' mouth. The fingers squeezed him as that tongue dueled with his, exploring every part of his mouth. They did not break apart until the need for air had left them gasping and lightheaded.
"Ten points to Gryffindor."
Where It Gets Really Creepy:
Now, we know what you're thinking. "If Snape was Harry's only love, where did his daughters come from? Also, where did this boner in my lap come from?" Only you can answer the second question, but the story explains the first plot hole. Snape and Harry made love once before Snape died and, well, accidents happen:
The twins, Eileen and Lyly, were born eight minutes apart with Eileen being the oldest. When Severus died, Harry had been six weeks pregnant.
Yes, Snape knocked Harry up. No, Harry isn't a girl in this story. So, are you imagining Daniel Radcliffe being sodomized by Alan Rickman and then giving birth to his children? You are now! Merry Christmas!
God bless us, every one!
You can read more from Mark, including his My Little Pony fan fiction, at his personal website.
For more ridiculous fan-fics, check out The 5 Most Baffling Sex Scenes in the History of Fan Fiction and 5 Fan Fiction Sex Scenes You Won't Believe Exist.