So wait, Santa finds a baby on Christmas Eve and decides to just ... take him?
Then he raises the kid specifically to work for him, for no pay, forever? Santa makes no effort to return the child to the orphanage from whence he came. But wait, why not? Doesn't he know everything? When you're sleeping, when you're awake, whether you've been bad or good? So shouldn't he know where he accidentally abducted this child from? It's even revealed that Santa knows who Buddy's real father is -- giving him the option to at least try to reunite a broken family -- but for some reason, Santa instead opts to raise the child in a hostile environment populated by, for all intents and purposes, aliens. In the movie, the North Pole is the exclusive realm of the elves -- mystical creatures whose biological makeup is considerably different from a human being's. Aside from the fact that Buddy grows twice as fast and large as his coworkers and literally nothing in his world is built to accommodate him, we're also, at one point, shown a diagram of the elf food groups.
Yes, they all have scurvy.
We really hope the medical clinic at the North Pole has insulin shots, because we're pretty sure that Buddy has hyper-diabetes, not to mention malnourishment and rotten teeth. Raising a human child in this environment is like finding a baby bird in your yard and opting to raise it in the toilet because you don't feel like getting the ladder out of the garage.
Even if you are maladjusted enough to think that keeping random children like lucky pennies is fine as long as they're orphans, remember: The day after Christmas, that orphanage is going to have to report a missing child. A child who is now at the North Pole, thus assuring he will never be found.
"So after a few years of litigation they closed the orphanage and I got lost in the syste --" "SNOW IS AWESOME."
That's right: An innocent social worker is going to prison because Santa had already changed into his comfy pants and didn't feel like going back out.
Erik Germ is the owner of hugefrigginarms and would love for you to follow him on Twitter.
For more terrifying undertones, check out 6 Horrifying Implications of Awesome Fantasy Movie Universes and The 5 Most Depraved Sex Scenes Implied by 'Harry Potter'.