'Die Hard' Is The Thirstiest Christmas Movie
If it wasn’t already painfully clear, now that world leaders are actually weighing in on whether or not Die Hard is a Christmas movie, that tired old debate has become extremely lame. Yes, it’s a Christmas movie – but the more important question is: is it the horniest Christmas movie? Yes, this is a question we’re seriously asking. We’ve mentioned before how Hollywood blockbusters are sometimes crammed full enough hidden sexual metaphors to make Sigmund Freud blush. Well, Die Hard, arguably, is no exception …
The movie is all about John McClane’s pent-up sexual frustrations; we find out early on that John and his wife Holly are separated and likely have been for at least several months. Early on, the movie goes out of its way to show us that John is still faithful to Holly. Literally, in the very first scene, as John leaves the airplane, the flight attendant shoots him an aggressively flirtatious glance. Clearly, he’s tempted but doesn’t act on said temptation out of respect for his marriage and possibly Jesus’ birthday.
And while en route to Nakatomi Plaza, Argyle, the limo driver, straight-up asks him if he wants help picking up women while in town, which he flatly refuses.
Then, once John and Holly get in the same room together, it becomes very clear that they are both very into the idea of getting it on over the holidays. And the movie’s surroundings seem to allegorically reflect this near-primal urge; as soon as Holly invites John back to her place for Christmas, the door flings open, and they’re literally interrupted by a couple looking for an empty office to boink in.
The moment isn’t entirely incidental to the plot, either; it’s that same amorous couple that later distracts one of the armed mercenaries long enough for John to escape through a stairwell. Meaning that if it weren’t for good old-fashioned sloppy office party hook-ups, Die Hard would have been a 30-minute movie about Hans Gruber’s criminal efficiency.
Of course, John picks a dumb fight with Holly and seemingly blows their chances of knocking boots, not coincidentally around the same time Gruber and his armed, impeccably shampooed, and conditioned thugs arrive. As John struggles to defeat the bad guys and get back to Holly, he is positively haunted by his own rampaging horniness. As soon as McClane makes his escape, he spies a nearby building that still has a working phone line – as evidenced by the scantily-clad woman making a call in the window.
Even when John is exploring the unfinished innards of the building, he pauses to gawk at (and later grope) a topless centerfold model.
And, most unsubtly, this movie takes place in a giant phallic symbol that literally explodes at the end.
The story only wraps up once John and Holly are finally able to be alone and frisky in the back of Argyle’s limo because the arc of this movie truly belongs to this married couple’s strained libidos.
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Top Image: 20th Century Studios