7 Famous Movies That Are Secretly All About Sex
Movies have the capacity to use metaphors and subtext to craft elaborate themes and rich, nuanced observations about humanity. And sometimes, those observations come down to one word: "dongs." It turns out that some of the most famous films covertly told stories about willies. That, or we're way off base and this article is more of a Rorschach test exposing our own perversion. Either way, here we go ...
Jaws Is About Struggling With Impotence
Let us cut straight to the chase: The shark in Jaws is a symbolic dick. Don't believe us? Take a look at the original paperback cover. Cruder than the movie's poster, the blatantly phallic shark is pointed at a nude female swimmer, presumably painted by a 13-year-old in the margins of some chemistry homework.
It says "a novel" so you don't think it's one of those specialized nudie mags.
Jaws is all about recontextualizing masculinity in the wake of the clusterfuck that was the Vietnam War. The movie's three male leads represent the splintered factions of men at that time. Quint is the grizzled vet, Hooper is a draft-dodging hippy, and Brody is the average husband and father who did his job but now has PTSD. More to the point, it's all about male impotence -- we know that Brody's tool isn't working properly because his wife needs to get him drunk to even fool around, while he'd rather obsess over shark textbooks.
"You're gonna need a bigger bottle."
Similarly, Quint is living alone in a shack not getting any, and Hooper is emasculated simply by his generally being such a bookish weenie. Enter the shark, a big swinging (swimming?) metaphorical dick, representing all of the sexual potency these men no longer possess.
From the very first scene, the theme of impotence is set up. We see a guy and a girl stripping, presumably to have sex in the ocean. Sadly, the guy's too drunk to catch up and do the deed -- and the dialogue really makes it sound like he's, uh, "quick on the trigger."
What shows up in his place? The big, powerful shark.
And as a result of the encounter, the girl gets crabs.
The shark is a manifestation of the male sexual urge, which the men in the movie are all afraid of and can't control. Consider the fact that when the shark appears again, it not-so-coincidentally coincides with Brody getting a massage from his wife.
Yes, Brody's arousal metaphorically triggers the shark attack. Even the mayor is a manifestation of his impotence, telling Brody not to worry about the shark and just ignore it.
If this jacket isn't the polar opposite of sexual attraction, what the hell is?
The book makes the connection between the shark and violent sexuality even more blatant, foreshadowing the cover-up of the attacks with a cover-up of a series of rapes on the island ... which also get uncomfortably racist. In the end, the men have to go out and conquer this rogue dick in order to reclaim their masculinity. And the shark doesn't merely attack them; it humps the ship until it falls apart ...
... and eventually dies in an orgasmic explosion.
"Ew, I got it all over me."
Then, presumably, all the shitty Jaws sequels are an elaborate metaphor for Ellen Brody's complete and utter lack of fulfillment.
The Original Star Wars Trilogy Is All About Luke's Dick
Mel Brooks was right: Lightsabers are dicks. Sure, it's not the most original or mature assessment, but it's hard not to notice that the ancient weapons of the Jedi order are suspiciously penis-like. However, maybe there's more to it than that. Maybe Luke's wang is the defining subtext of the original trilogy. Hear us out.
Star Wars is all about Luke's journey to manhood. When we first see him, he's living in the sunken, womb-like moisture farm.
This place is Natalie Portman's vagina, basically.
He's being held back from entering manhood. His uncle doesn't want him to leave the farm, and his aunt's only job seems to be plying everyone with that blue milk shit. Eventually, R2-D2 shows up and blows Luke's mind with the image of a beautiful woman. Think of him as that weird older kid who left sticky issues of Playboy in the woods.
He's also two BB units from being a dick himself.
After awakening Luke's libido, R2-D2 lures him to Obi-Wan Kenobi, who then teaches him all about lightsabers -- those electric glowing phalluses that extend on demand.
Though the less we think about this as an old man abducting a teenager to show him a dick in a cave, the better.
If Luke wants to get to the princess, he needs to figure out how to use the lightsaber. He's too young to be in a duel, so he, uh ... practices by himself a lot.
Which makes him go blind.
Luke eventually faces Darth Vader, but like Yoda said, he isn't ready. Luke's not a man yet. Most importantly, he's been using his dad's lightsaber this whole time -- meaning that his manhood is only borrowed, not actually attained. So naturally, his dad symbolically castrates him.
Hopefully, someone else finds that hand and puts it to good use.
Eventually, Luke enters sexual maturity by becoming a Jedi, building and wielding his own lightsaber. Now that he's a full-grown man, Luke stops lusting after his sister and refuses to get into the dick-measuring contest that is a lightsaber duel with his father. Years later, a younger woman makes him dust off his old, tired lightsaber, but that's another story.
Halloween's Michael Myers Is A Walking Killer Boner
Michael Myers is one of the scariest movie monsters to share the name with a star of The Love Guru. He's thrilled horror audiences for decades, from his first appearance in the classic 1978 Halloween to the time he got kicked in the face by Busta Rhymes for some reason.
More like Busta Faces.
But have you ever stopped to think that Michael Myers might be a metaphor for a walking, killer boner? Why not? Think about it. The very first time we see him and his first kill comes when his sister is fooling around with her boyfriend.
One way or another, that couch is getting some new stains.
His white mask could even be a subtle reference to a condom-sheathed dong.
Plus, the mask's likeness, William Shatner, was a pretty big dick himself.
Years later, he pops up again when two teens are having sex on Halloween -- because apparently, the physical act of love is worth the eggs and toilet-papering these two non-candy-providers will have to clean up in the morning. This time, Myers shows up in an even more condom-like ghost costume:
Alternatively, this is supposed to represent a used tissue.
At the end of the movie, he tracks Laurie (Jamie Lee Curtis) to a bedroom, but the virginal babysitter wants nothing to do with this monstrosity. We should also point out that at this point, no one knew Michael and Laurie were going to be brother and sister in the sequels, which would make this boner theory all the ickier.
"GOD! Don't you knock?!"
And like a boner, when all is said and done, he disappears.
Only to resurface in often awkward and confusing ways.
Ghostbusters Is About Using '80s Materialism To Get Laid
Ghostbusters is about a bunch of schmucks using fancy technology to get chicks. Turns out that when the song talks about "busting" making you feel good, they're omitting the words "a nut."
When we meet the future Ghostbusters, they are woefully unprepared to deal with ghosts/women. The first one they encounter is a 19th-Century librarian who dresses very conservatively and is completely uninterested in them when they try and approach her. She's the best that these guys could hope to get right now ("any port in a storm" and all that). However, because they don't know what they're doing, it ... doesn't go well.
Shy people: Yes, this is exactly what happens when someone you ask out rejects you. Always.
So they realize they need to get some better game and become hip '80s guys who know how to impress a woman, or ghost, or whatever. In order to do that, their first step is getting a car. And do they go with a van, or anything that makes sense? Nope, they get the longest possible vehicle, and add a bunch of superfluous shit to it, including some type of cannon on the roof. What's it for? Who knows, but like those '80s stereos with lights and sliders and other gadgets, it looks cool and is phallic, so others know they mean business.
"ECTO" is short for "erection."
Oh, and they also get big, dick-shaped wands, which they hold at crotch level and shoot white stuff from.
No idea what this represents, though.
Now they're getting somewhere. Each of our scientists gets some play. Venkman gets a date with Dana, Janine seems to have interest in Egon, and of course, Ray gets a blowjob from a ghost (in a dream, but it was originally supposed to be part of the plot).
And where does the movie end? On 55 Central Park West (whose tip has extended, making the building longer than usual), where they are now going against a ghost that is played by a model. No more being ignored by homely old spirits; now they've hit the big time, with hot girls who give them her full and undivided attention!
The result? Well ...
We're sure the second and third time will go better.
Doctor Who -- The Doctor Rides Around In A Time-Travelling Dick
Doctor Who is the long-running series about an alien "Doctor" who has the power to travel through time and magically transform himself into a slightly less famous British actor every few years. And sure, claiming that a 50-year-old BBC show is all about sex is a little like claiming that a tepid bowl of porridge is a killer aphrodisiac, but stick with us for a moment.
Let's talk about his mode of transportation: the TARDIS, a time machine disguised as a blue police box. The TARDIS doesn't just appear in other times -- it rhythmically throbs into reality.
Careful, the white stuff coming from the top can blind you.
Most tellingly, the Doctor can't insert himself throughout history alone. He needs the companionship of a young woman at all times to do the deed of time travel.
And the occasional dude, and one time, a dog.
The TARDIS itself is a grower, not a shower. Female visitors tend to underestimate it, but once they've gotten more acquainted, they often remark on how surprisingly big it is.
"I get that a lot."
And finally, what weapon does the Doctor wield? Some kind of badass laser gun? Nope, it's a little Sonic Screwdriver -- a phallic device which solves every problem when the Doctor fiddles with it. OK, the "solves problems" thing might be a point against this theory.
This actor's name? Jon Pert-wee.
There Will Be Blood Is About Struggling With Sterility
There Will Be Blood, ironically, is about the fact that there won't be blood for oil tycoon Daniel Plainview (Daniel Day Lewis), because his bloodline ends with him.
Plainview not being able to have kids is the subtext of the movie. For starters, that's why he has to adopt a son, H.W., when he wants to present himself as a family man for his business. Even the accident that kills H.W.'s biological father involves a big, long, dick-like piece of lumber falling on him. And then there's the obvious parallel between having an oil vein squirt, spilling its life juice over everything, and the messy act of making a baby.
Plainview needs one of these for both scenarios, since he "releases steam" so rarely.
Further evidence that Plainview's junk is defective: Though completely self-centered, he's initially happy when he think he has a brother. That means his family line can go on in some fashion. When he finds out that's not true, Plainview is so devastated that he kills his fake bro. Seriously, in a two-and-a-half-hour movie, the only thing that brings Plainview any sense of genuine happiness is the thought of having real family. And sure, Plainview adopts H.W., but he doesn't see him as a true heir. They're only connected through oil -- in fact, H.W. was essentially baptized in that shit.
Not literally. This isn't a German movie.
Later, Plainview only tells H.W. the truth about him not being his biological son after H.W. has gotten married. The old man does this out of jealousy. He knows that H.W. will go on to have kids of his own, and hates him for it. And so Plainview is left alone, living in a huge mansion by himself, never even trying to find a wife, because there's no point if she can't give him a kid of his own. No matter how much pipe he lays for his pipeline, it won't fix the faulty tubing in his own body.
And finally, there's Plainview's other symbolic son, Eli (Paul Dano). By the end of the movie, Eli is of no use to Plainview. The land Eli offers him has been drained of oil, thus making him as sterile as Plainview ... who, seeing in Eli what he hates in himself, beats him to death with a big, wooden bowling pin. Hmm. If only we knew what that object symbolizes.
Nope, no idea. We're drawing a blank here.
Blade Runner's Replicants Are Illegal Because Otherwise, Humanity Would Fuck Them To Extinction
Blade Runner is the futuristic noir story of a man who kills artificial beings to make sure people continue to have sex with other people. What, you didn't know that's what the movie is about? Well, you weren't paying enough attention.
Think about it. The artificial beings (replicants) are illegal on Earth, but fine on the futuristic off-world colonies. Why? Some of it is the need for slave labor, and some of it is because it sure gets lonely out there. It's specifically said that one of the female replicants, Pris, is a "pleasure model" -- or living sex toy.
A fancy fleshlight.
Meanwhile, more and more people are moving off of Earth to the colonies in space. The population is getting so sparse that J.F. Sebastian is the only person living in the Bradbury Building in downtown LA. If on top of that you added sexbots which look and behave like human beings (but can't produce children), mankind would probably end up going extinct.
That's where Blade Runners come in. They hunt and "retire" (kill) replicants so that humans have no choice but to fuck other humans and create tinier ones, maintaining the species. There are subtle hints to this throughout the movie. Replicant Zhora is working as a stripper when she is retired -- and her pet is a snake, the most dick-shaped of animals.
Guess a rooster was too obvious.
Pris, meanwhile, is pretending to be a hooker when Sebastian finds her. Finally, we have Rachael, who is different from the other replicants in that she thinks she's human, complete with implanted memories. Her creator explains that this is an "emotional cushion," but why do that? The most logical explanation is to make a more effective sex doll -- one you could fall in love with. Which is exactly what the protagonist does. In the end, innocent Rachael is the most dangerous of the whole bunch.
Probably why they cast Sean Young.
You know all those facts you've learned about psychology from movies and that one guy at the party who says, "Actually ..." a lot? Please forget them. Chances are none of them are true. Take the Stanford Prison Experiment, the one famous psychology study people can name. It was complete bullshit. Funny story actually, it turns out that when you post flyers that say, "Hey, do you wanna be a prison guard for the weekend? Free food and nightsticks," you might not get the most stable group of young men. So join Jack O'Brien, Cracked staff members Dan O'Brien and Michael Swaim, and Psychology Professor Martie G. Haselton of UCLA as they debunk Rorschach tests, the Mozart effec,t and middle child syndrome, so soon you can be that person at the party who says, "Actually ..." Get your tickets here!
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