If my calculations are correct, whatever you did last night, during the darkest, sweatiest hours of All Hallows Eve, you're probably regretting it now.
Most of them are embarrassing, shameful and possibly even incriminating but he does it all without a hint of judgment because Uncle Frank knows, perhaps better than anyone, that the depth of human ignorance can never be overestimated.
Some of what passed for everyday life 75 or 100 years ago would send you running screaming in the other direction today. And when those scenes are captured on grainy old-school film, you get the stuff of nightmares.
Even the best Hollywood set dressers in the biggest budget horror movie can't outdo real life. You wouldn't spend a night in in these places regardless of the number of shotguns and Bibles you were allowed to bring.
There are some places where the true spirit of Halloween lives on in grand fashion.
There are a handful of good excuses for not going to work: illness, death in the family and actually that's just about it. When I'm king, all these listed will be acceptable.
A few years ago, Cracked.com sent me to the San Diego Comic-Con. Hopefully Comikaze will be much different.
Sorry, single people, this week's column is for lovers only. Now that those lonely people are gone, hold that lover close and enjoy 50 highlights from three romantic books that offer tips for every day of the year.
We've shown you some pretty bad costumes before. Some of you didn't get the message: Just because your costume wasn't on THAT list doesn't mean you can still dress like an ass and get away with it.
These people need to find, and then kill, their realtors.