We all dream of winning the lottery and turning our own lives into The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (only in our version, we own the house, damn it). But once you live in a rich neighborhood and replace your friends with an entourage, there are certain pleasures you'll surely miss. The homemade fireworks that were such a hit in the trailer park won't go down so well in your gated community, and none of the fancy dinner parties you attend will serve hot wings.
After all, sometimes you don't want hand-massaged braised duck kidneys. Sometimes you want the shit you used to get at the Quik-Stop and eat in your car on the way to Steve's house. Fortunately, there is an entire industry catering to rich people who still have minimum wage tastes. They make things like ...
You know what they say about hot dogs, don't you? That they're made of pig fetuses and bear manure? Yet how many times have you gone into a convenience store, stood in line behind a trucker as he picked out a link from the rotating slow cooker and suddenly desperately wanted one? Not even the nagging feeling that those rotating grease tubes doubled as overnight roach bait could stop you, because no matter what, hot dogs are delicious. Even if eating one makes you hate yourself a little.
The little American flags obscure the fact that it's mostly anus.
Now, imagine how much harder that will be once you're a wealthy tycoon, with wealthy tycoon friends. You can't be caught eating that shit at your fancy operas or charity balls, even if it is the food of the gods. But who among your snooty friends could look down on you for eating the $69 gourmet hot dog at Serendipity 3 restaurant in New York. Look at it!
What, no relish?
That bastard is "...grilled in white truffle oil and topped with duck foie gras, caramelized Vidalia onions, heirloom tomato ketchup and Dijon mustard."
The only problem is that, knowing how competitive rich douchebags can be, eventually one of your friends will boast that they have found a better, more expensive dog. They are speaking of the $80 "McMullen dog."
If hot dogs have a god, this is it.