In movies, video games and comic books, the rich supervillain always has a giant floating, flying or rolling lair armed with lasers, equipped with an insane amount of protection and cluttered with gadgets and escape pods. Ridiculous, right? After all, who would actually build expensive vehicles just to sell to the supervillain demographic?
Well, ask whoever built ...
#5. The 550-Foot Laser Yacht
Russians are well-known for producing huge things, mainly drinks, bombs and Ivan Drago. But one Russian in particular is known for his huge-ass boats. His name is Roman Abramovich, and he owns "Eclipse," the largest private yacht in the world, which, oh by the way, is something a James Bond villain would consider "too over-the-top."
It's the building in the middle.
The lasers are a new innovation in the field of high-end craziness. According to The Times, the system works by automatically detecting the electronic light sensor inside any nearby camera and firing a high-intensity beam of light at it, destroying its ability to take pictures.
This image exists only because he hasn't built any lasers into his own body ... yet.
OK, but what if somehow (possibly through decades of ninja training), camera-toting, missile-holding paparazzi pirates managed to get inside the yacht?
Well, in that case, Abramoavich can simply walk into the goddamned built-in mini-submarine he keeps just for these occasions. It'll drop 160 feet into the water, protecting him and his 29-year-old wife from any harm.
Whatever you're thinking, he's like "I know!"
Exactly what kind of disaster could you not survive in this thing? Alien invasion? Meteor? Nuclear war? This guy would be sitting on the deck of his floating palace, watching it and munching caviar. Forget about a zombie apocalypse -- he wouldn't even notice it until somebody told him.
True, it's probably not much use in a world where none of that really happens, but you can't have it all. Plus, the whole thing only cost him $1.2 billion (with a B).
Whoever said "money can't buy happiness" is a fucking liar.
#4. Luxury Tanks
Lots of companies pimp out SUVs and turn them into armored cars ... but if your needs are less "stay protected" and more "destroy the Autobots" (and you're willing to spend over $150,000 on a vehicle), there are other options available for you.
For example, the custom-built Armor Horse Vault XXL is literally an armored limousine. While the inside does look like a limo (complete with leather seats, LCD screens and a bar) ...
This is only the lobby.
... its exterior is closer to a tank:
The Armor Horse is capable of comfortably seating 25 people ... and if they ever get bored, they can simply pull out the emergency gun ports and start shooting pedestrians. This is a real thing, by the way. The Armor Horse isn't just defensive (it's covered in bulletproof panels); it's also an offensive weapon that can be used to wreak havoc and destruction across its path. It comes with two escape hatches that double as skylights, in case you want to mount a death ray on top of it or something.
So it can stop bullets, but we know what you're thinking: What if my enemies are equipped with rocket launchers? A sensible question, and one we ask ourselves every morning. Fortunately, there are other vehicles on the market to cater to our needs:
Even the name of that beast inspires fear: The Dartz Kombat T98 SUV has steel-plated doors and three-inch-thick windows, making it essentially indestructible. At $200,000, it's very practical for all those millionaires who like spending time in war zones.
This is what happens when a tank and a Hummer make love under the moonlight.
#3. The Speedboat Batman Wishes He Had
Sure, if you want to host parties while you're conquering the world, the floating luxury yacht back at #5 is probably your best bet. But maybe you want the yacht equivalent of a sports car instead -- something that can go speeding off into the horizon when a secret agent comes after you on his Jet Ski.
That's where the MY Ady Gil comes in. This is, in scientific terms, the awesomest fucking speedboat ever made. Seriously, look at it:
That is not a model. It exists.
Wikipedia tells us that it is fully submersible; it can travel up to 57 mph using two 540-horsepower engines, plus it has a large enough fuel tank to cover three-and-a-half thousand miles in a single go. And it can do all that with eight guys sleeping on the bunk beds inside.
Fortunately, the craft hasn't fallen into the hands of the Lex Luthors of the world. Its last owners were part of the Sea Shepherd Conservation Society, also known as the Whale Wars people -- the guys who go around fighting Japanese whalers. Yes, this was used by actual, real-life vigilantes.
And yes, they built speakers into the boat, which they used to blast music at the whalers. We're talking in past tense because, unfortunately, the boat sank in January 2010 after being rammed by a Japanese whaling boat. You can take solace in the fact that it died a hero's death. Or at least it died while annoying whalers while filming a reality show.
It will be back: A donor has already offered $1 million for the construction of the Ady Gil 2, so they need only $1.5 million more to afford a new one.