Cracked Round-Up: Fine Dining Edition

Internet comedy is a tough business, and we run a pretty lean ship at Cracked out of necessity. One luxury we do allow ourselves is a world-class Cordon Bleu chef. We normally wouldn't be able to afford a cook of that (or any) quality, but Maurice is willing to work incredibly cheap. In fact, as long as we shield him from the government of Turkmenistan he's willing to work for free. Something about a string of assassinations. We'd be more worried, but he's pretty good about limiting his predations to the interns and janitorial staff.

Speaking of which, we have a few open positions for hard workers without families.

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If you love guns but also love getting far too intoxicated to safely use guns, you'll want to read Soren Bowie's article on repurposed military weapons. Christina followed up with the world's most adorable article about suicide. Chriz Bucholz took on one of the great, burning muppet-sexuality related issues of our time, while Brendan McGinley spun a gripping yarn about the iPhone of Doom. Robert Brockway smashed expectations and also faces with the most brutal drug-fueled Choose Your Own Adventure story yet and John Cheese closed us out with the horrible truth about having a baby. WARNING: there's genital bleeding.

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REAL FREAKY
21 Images You Won't Believe Aren't Photoshopped (Part 8)
The gift that keeps on giving.


Notable Comment: "That's MORE Of Mar Gage Daffie. Just 4 u pee on's $ Pee saints. Raw RAW... whimper. So-w damn Insane. Where is yo hiding place again? I've been lay den."

We're not sure if 52centameters is high, very drunk, or just speaking in some highly advanced language we can't possibly comprehend.



TOO MANY TELLS
5 Physical Details That Reveal Highly Personal Information
The only way to keep your inner life a secret is to scald your entire body free of distinguishing features and burn all of your baby pictures.
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Notable Comment:We're fairly certain the comments section of this article uses the word 'taint' more often than an old-time revival preacher.



ANIMATED POOP
The 6 Most Inexplicable Cartoon Adaptations Ever
So it turns out you can get Korea to animate literally anything.


Notable Comment: "Godzooki is obviously the bastard child of Godzilla and Rodan."

We're not sure about that Machovict, but whoever came up with the idea of Godzooki is definitely a bastard.



BAD END
5 Classic Movies That Almost Had Terrible Endings
And this is why you don't roll out the red carpet for a rough draft.


Notable Comment:"You're a lying liar who lies! The original Army of Darkness ending was wayyy better that the theatrical and would have set up Evil Dead 4 nicely."

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Listen hammertoejack, sometimes good things need to end. Dancing Spiderman should be evidence that Sam Raimi needs to use restraint.



BAD MATH
5 Mind-Blowing Scientific Answers to Life's Big Questions
See? One person can make a difference. A terrible, terrible difference.


Notable Comment:"How did the hippy that made LSD screw any economy?"

Bonnaroo counts as an economy, right davour?





Natural Disastronauts
If Educational Kids Shows Were Honest
Life sucks, wear a hat. And jean shorts.


YOU YOU YOU!
Video Game Deleted Scenes that Explain Everything
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, Awesome Movie Character Cross Overs, What Video Game Characters Do With Their Rewards and If You Could Use Photoshop Tools in Real Life.
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