11 Useful Products Too Embarrassing to Actually Use
Imagine a car that runs on tap water and never breaks down or needs replacement parts -- would you drive it? We forgot to mention that it's shaped like a giant clown penis.
Humans are funny creatures -- we tend to shun any product, no matter how useful, if it makes us look ridiculous. That's why virtually none of you own ...
Warning: No real woman will touch you while you wear the GoateeSaver.
Once you make that life-changing decision to grow a goatee, facial hair won't just magically stop showing up in other areas of your face, you know. You still have to shave, but what if your hand slips into goatee territory? Do you try to even it out, making it thinner and thinner until you wind up with a Hitler and a soul patch? Fortunately, technology has solved this problem with the GoateeSaver.
Look at that woman's face up there. She clearly wants to have sex with that guy strictly because of his goatee-shaving mouth cube. For anyone who isn't a depraved fetishist, though, this looks ridiculous. It's a good invention, sure -- you can even adjust it to different goatee sizes, as demonstrated in this video:
But no matter how much you adjust it, at best you look like the world's worst cyborg, and at worst like you tried to eat some tuna without opening the can.
His smile says, "Mildly amused," but his eyes say, "God is dead."
The worst part of getting a haircut (besides people asking "Did you get a haircut?" when you clearly did) is that unavoidable itchy feeling on the back of your neck caused by little bits of hair that have fallen down your collar. We're serious here: Post-haircut itchiness is the main reason why so many people give up on society and turn homeless. The little cape the barber ties around your neck does nothing. It is a lie.
Well, someone has finally stood up to the gods of haircut, said "NO MORE" and made the above hair-catching neck gutter. It looks like it probably works great. And it makes you look like either a complete tool, or the average citizen in the year 2011 as portrayed in 1950s sci-fi.
Oh look, they come in childhood trauma size, too!
Look at the first picture. That man has absolutely no idea what's happening to him. He's like "What are we doing, guys? Is this a neck bathtub or something?" A second later he notices the woman with the sharp object coming from behind him and screams "OH MY GOD THEY ARE GOING TO COLLECT MY BLOOD!"
Neck Air Cushion
Working in an office would be a slightly less soul-crushing experience if we could avoid the physical annoyances that come with it, like neck and back pain. That way, the torment would merely be psychological. Unfortunately, not every workplace can afford to hire dozens of interns just to massage everyone's neck all the time, so here's a much cheaper and simpler solution that we assume feels like you're being hugged by a balloon animal.
As relaxing as it may be, if we saw someone wearing this at the office, we'd fully expect an alien to burst out of her stomach within the hour. There's virtually no way to distinguish between this revolutionary self-massaging neck cushion and a mind-raping space pod.
"Let's take a blowtorch to her, just to be on the safe side."
CubeGuard Notification System
Sometimes you're just too busy to deal with the social aspect of working in an office, but there are only so many ways you can say "I don't care about your children, Gary." Or maybe you just hate everyone you work with and really, really wish the feeling were mutual. The CubeGuard Notification System is the easiest way to make this happen.
This "simple, elegant signaling tool" is a banner that comes with helpful messages like "Please Do Not Disturb," "Currently Busy" and "Nobody Will Attend My Funeral" (this one's implied in all the others). The thing is, like most items in this list, this is actually a good idea, but there has to be a less dickishly passive-aggressive way to let people know that you're busy (like for example saying, "Hey, I'm busy").
You can even personalize your insult with Dilbert or a shower of kittens.
Other messages include "Working from Home" and "Out to Lunch," which you can leave on when you're not having lunch if you want to really confuse everyone. This thing also saves the police at least one step in securing your cubicle when someone inevitably murders you there.
Related: Rudy Giuliani Hit With A More Than $1.3 Billion Defamation Lawsuit by Dominion Voting Systems
Clip-On LED Lights
It's 2011. So when, oh when, is it finally going to become socially acceptable to augment our bodies with technology? Hold a gun and you're a badass. Replace your arm with a gun, and suddenly you can't get a job.
"Your qualifications are excellent, but we just don't want to hear about your Warhammer army every lunch break."
Likewise, if you hold a flashlight in your hand while you fix a computer, you're cool -- even though you now only have half as many hands to do the work. But wear these awesome head-mounted LED lights, and you're a dork who's probably trying to slowly turn himself into a Borg.
Circulation Improving Leg Wraps
This isn't some frivolous gadget here -- low blood flow in the legs is a serious problem. It can lead to blood clots, which in turn can lead to death. Hospitals use special compression wraps to squeeze your legs into behaving properly, so here's some you can use at home.
So, let's get this straight: The fact that some people really need this product means that the manufacturers put no effort into making them look anything other than completely ridiculous? Why not make them black? Or any color other than day-glo blue? When some elderly person comes to you and complains of numbness and swelling in his legs, why does your reply have to be, "Sure, we can fix that, but you have to agree to let us make you look like Megaman."
Then again, you never see Megaman getting DVT on long-haul flights.
Migraine Magic Plus
One of the main symptoms of a bad migraine is the strong desire to lock yourself in a dark room and press a pillow against your head. This solution isn't very practical if you are among the employed or have any kind of responsibilities at all. That's why these state-of-the-art migraine-healing glasses exist.
On the plus side, you won't look out of place on the paintball field or skiing.
Those dick-like protrusions press themselves against your face and massage away the pain. Or, you know, they could go rogue and poke you repeatedly in the eyes. Which, now that we think about it, would distract you from your migraine, so win-win!
If people ask what's going on, you can always tell them that the sun is nearly extinguished in your era and it's taking you a while to adjust to 21st-century sunlight.
Personal Cooling Collar
As hot as the weather can get sometimes, you can't just walk down the street pointing a battery-operated fan at yourself all day -- that would be silly. Also, your arm would get super tired. Believe it or not, someone has come up with a classy, sleek-looking solution for both of these problems.
It's the perfect gift for someone you like, but also view as a sexual rival.
No, seriously, this thing actually works. The collar is filled with water, and an internal fan helps it evaporate around your neck, thus keeping you cool and refreshed even in the hottest of summer days. On the downside, if you leave the prison boundaries it makes your head explode.
Balance Ball Chair
You just know this woman uses the word "glutes" on an hourly basis.
Sitting on an exercise ball may not be the most comfortable thing in the world, but it's good for you -- it works your abs and it's really good for your lower back. It forces your core muscles to keep working as you type (to keep you from tumbling onto the floor while your "chair" bounces into the hall where the boss trips over it and breaks his neck).
Thus we have the Balance Ball Chair, created with the help of chiropractors and designed to help you maintain a better posture and such. We've talked about the importance of sitting properly and how "active sitting" could save your life -- but let's face it, chances are this will never catch on simply because it makes you look like at any moment you're going to grab onto a pair of handles and go bouncing across the parking lot.
Which actually might be pretty awesome.
Gold-N-Hot Ionic Soft Bonnet Dryer
Finally! It's the superior hair-drying job of a fancy professional salon hair dryer, in the comfort of your own home!
And ... why is it gold, again? And why does it seem to have eyes in the forehead so that it appears you're staring out of the mouth hole of a screaming sports mascot costume?
Women's P-EZ Travel Urinal
"... and the Least Dignified Packaging award goes to ..."
This simple contraption allows women to pretend they have a penis, if only for "peeing standing up" purposes. And you know what, it's actually pretty useful. Think about it: If you're a woman and you really need to pee, wouldn't you kill for something like this when confronted with, say, a gas station toilet seat or something? No more squatting in the bushes for you!
Roughly 16 percent of you are turned on right now.
And the next time the line to the ladies' room is too long, you can simply march into the men's room and make yourself compatible with a standing urinal. And when else are you going to get the pleasure of seeing your own piss? Hell, we don't even know why this is on the list. What self-respecting woman would feel at all weird about pissing out of a purple robot dick?