12 Great Parenting Products for Traumatizing Your Baby
We get it. Parenting is hard. Kids are messy, needy and unable to expel waste from their bodies without coating the walls with it first. We also get that it's human nature to invent useless products for people who don't know any better than to just throw gadgets at every problem.
And that's how mankind wound up with ...
Inflatable "Shit On My Face" Potty Seat
We're starting to think there's some kind of nefarious organization dedicated to building an army of future adults who are horrified of sitting on toilets. Why else would anyone invent this thing?
Yes, you, too, can condition your young children to shit onto a laughing face with eyes that look like eagerness incarnate. And the face is blue for no good reason, so we're guessing it's choking itself for double the pleasure.
We want to mock this, but for some reason we're just deeply, deeply depressed.
Oh, and it's inflatable. So it's a toilet that you deflate between uses, then re-inflate the next time you need it. With your mouth.
Tinkle Tube Toilet Aid
At the risk of attracting the wrong kind of Google search traffic to this article, this here is basically a gun silencer for your child's wiener.
If you're reading this, we can presume you know how peeing works, and that little boys don't just have to master the arts of bladder control, anus control and not-staining-their-Underoos control -- they've also got to learn how to aim. If only you had some kind of ... apparatus. Like the Tinkle Tube Toilet Aid. Simply remove the plastic caps and, uh, attach it. Now your toddler has improved accuracy and is trained for a future when all men will be able to upgrade to a robot penis.
Is this legal? Can someone check on that?
It doesn't help that the Tinkle Tubers call toddler genitals "little soldiers" or that they seem to think men are absolute idiots when it comes to caring for their own children. Why else would they make this helpful video ...
... where a cartoon dad acts like he'd never taken his child into a bathroom before. In it, the guy just stands there for a solid 15 seconds, baffled by the thought of urinals, until the inevitable moment when the son drenches him in urine.
You stay classy, Tinkle Tube.
My Pee Pee Bottle
Some parents would apparently rather get consumed by fire ants than let their child use a public restroom. You know what's easier? Slightly squatting with your legs spread and peeing into a cup that your mom has shoved up onto your under-parts. Mind you, don't piss all over mama's hands, Makenna!
"LOOK! It has your NAME!"
And thus we have My Pee Pee Bottle, named by people who think personalizing a cup o' urine like it's some kind of prized trophy isn't going to screw up even the healthiest kids. And none of this is as baffling as how EMPHATICALLY My Pee Pee Bottle defends their product:
"At this time, My Pee Pee Bottle stands alone! Nothing compares to My Pee Pee Bottle, Nothing!"
WE WILL FIGHT ANY MAN WHO CLAIMS OTHERWISE!
Kids don't just love My Pee Pee Bottle. They're willing to die for it.
Why Cry Baby Crying Analyzer
Remember that Simpsons episode where Homer's brother invented that ridiculous device that could decipher what babies were saying? Well, somebody claims to have made one: the Why Cry Baby Crying Analyzer. Hey, and it only costs $19.99! Now you can finally know if your baby is tired, or hungry, or being stalked by a predator!
Above: The only thoughts a baby is capable of.
The device requires just 20 seconds of uninterrupted analysis to figure out the problem (including telling you whether or not the baby is "bored"). Twenty seconds of uninterrupted crying might not sound like much to the uninitiated, so why don't you see how long you can get through this video before you shut it off:
On the other hand, it also displays room temperature and humidity, which is awesome because ... babies hate it when it's humid?
Snazzy Baby Knee Pads
For those of you who insist on tiling your floor with upended glass shards, baby knee pads are a great product. For the rest of us, not so much. Not just because babies have learned to crawl through desert sands, mountainous landscapes and Third World sweat shops without the benefit of goofy ass leg cushions. And not just because you're dressing your kid like a girl in a P. Diddy video and calling him "Snazzy." All of these are really good reasons to not plop down $19.99 for a pair of knee pads, but the best reason is that your little crawling darling probably already owns half a dozen pairs of knee pads.
They're called "pants."
"You're going to pay for this in about 15 years."
Time Out Pad, aka the Butt Prison
For the last couple of decades, the "time out" has replaced beatings and psychological torture as the socially acceptable way to discipline your child. It's a nonviolent way to put a kid in his place when he's done wrong, and it's a scientific fact that bad kids hate to sit still, so it can be a pretty effective punishment.
"Tommy, you sit on this until you learn how to get busy living or get busy dying."
But time outs have a catch: you have to monitor them. You can't walk away, because the kid will walk away, too, presumably to do some more arson. Which is why someone invented a butt snitch to make sure those kid butts stay put. Not only does the Time Out Pad provide an ass jail for toddler delinquents and a timer so he knows exactly how long he's got left, but it also sounds an ALARM if the kid gets up too early. It's like his own personal Inspector Javert, but for butts.
The idea behind Walking Wings is simple: kids are short, parents are tall, why not connect the two with some marionette straps? It's like combining all the creepiness of Geppetto with all the hilarity of an 'N Sync video. While you're at it, you might as well make your kid do a little jig for your own amusement. Or better yet, kill someone, since you've clearly got the closest thing humanity will ever see to the Imperius Curse right there in your hands.
Babies can't do anything right.
Of course, we get that there might be some parents out there with bad backs or gigantism or T-rex arms, but here's the thing: The window of time when a kid is strong enough to stand but not stable enough to walk alone is really small, a few months at most. The indignity of turning your kid into Pinocchio is forever.
He'll have all the confidence and independence of a sled dog.
As most moms today will gladly tell you, one of the best ways to shut your kid up is to hand her your iPhone. Kids LOVE those things. Unfortunately, iPhones don't come cheap, nor do they work so well after being sucked, bitten, smeared with grape jelly and farted on repeatedly, which is what we presume happens every time you hand an iPhone to a kid.
"Somehow I have to get jelly in here."
Enter the Woogie, half stuffed animal, half protective pouch, all electronic babysitter. Your iPhone fits snugly inside, safe and sound, and there's a screen protector to keep sticky little fingers off. And, if your little princess is too young to hold it herself, the Woogie's legs will prop it up. Balance it in her lap, put Sesame Street or some shit on there and grab a few precious moments to go out and get a latte or whatever.
"The kid's been parented. Let's go drink."
Never mind the haters who suggest you might be introducing gadgets at too young an age or should be actually interacting with your child. They're probably just jealous that your iPhone does a better job of parenting than they do. Idiots.
Jolly Jumper Bumper Bonnet Toddler Head Cushion
Let's make this clear right off the bat: This isn't some kind of special head-shaping helmet or protection for seizure-prone noggins. This piece of headwear is for the everyday rough and tumble toddler lifestyle.
Even the few parents who reviewed the helmet are aware of its stupidity:
"I only use it around the house because it looks a little rediculas in public."
See? Even the mom who doesn't know how to spell "ridiculous" knows the helmet is ridiculous, since anyone who has spent 15 minutes around a toddler knows they're basically made of rubber. So, no, you do not need to spend $15 on this thing, unless you want a photographic explanation for why they put you in the bad nursing home 50 years later.
Screen Time Manager
For parents who are really worried about how much television time their child is getting, but also too disinterested to monitor it themselves, the BOB Screen Time Manager is a godsend. You hook it up to the TV and set the timer, and when the time runs out, BOB cuts the power.
The layers of sadness on this device go further down that we can dig. It's for parents who 1) have the kind of money to blow $63 on a frivolous gadget that a tenth of a second of actual parenting could do for free and 2) plan their lives around never being in the same room as their child.
"Finally, a machine to raise my child for me!"
No, this is not for the parent who fell asleep on the sofa while the kid was watching Yo Gabba Gabba! and feels guilty about it. This is for the parent who plans to do it many more times in the future, and thus needs special equipment to accommodate those plans.
Em's 4 Bubs Baby Earmuffs
Are you married to a rock star or a Nascar driver or a professional football player? Are you Gwyneth Paltrow?
If your or your spouse's livelihood depends on surrounding your newborn with loud, eardrum-busting noises, then, by all means, get yourself some infant sized earphones. If you're a guerrilla warfare combatant who just had a baby, for example, these earmuffs will go a long way toward protecting your future terrorist's precious hearing.
For everyone else, here's a thought: How about you just NOT bring your baby to concerts, car races and loud sporting events? At least not until he's big enough for the toddler sized earmuffs. Jeez.
That baby looks ready to cut someone.
Kami Kami Bite Counter
No list of ridiculous products would be complete without something from Japan, right? And since the Americans have cornered the market on WTF toilet training tools, the Japanese thought they'd start in on WTF mouth ... training ... tools?
She smiles, but you can see the fear in her eyes.
The Kami Kami sensor hooks over the child's ears and under the jaw and tallies the number of bites taken, and then displays the numbers on a screen shaped like a fish. (Because a fish shape makes even the horrifying fun!) It also makes a noise after every 30 and 1,000 bites, supposedly for motivation, but we suspect it's really to mask the sound of the child sobbing.
It comes in versions both for preschoolers and middle schoolers, so even if you missed out on establishing OCD in your 4-year-old, you can catch up once she's old enough to know true shame.
Coming soon in high school sizes, for parents who really hate their kids.
For more products that shouldn't exist, check out 20 Baby Products Great For Traumatizing Infants and 9 Toys That Prepare Children for a Life of Menial Labor.