9 Toys That Prepare Children for a Life of Menial Labor

If you want to know how bad the economy is, look no further than your nearest toy store. Where kids used to dream of becoming astronauts or war heroes, the toy industry is now working hard to massively lower their expectations for the future.

These very real toys seem to exist only to let your kid know they're going to be wrist deep in shit for a long, long time, so get used to it now when it's colorful and made of plastic.

A whole lot of you reading this worked at a McDonald's at some point in your life, and most of you likely consider that the lowest point of your existence. There are guys who have shrugged off long prison sentences who shudder when they remember their long shifts at the Mickey D's french fry station. So of course they made a toy to simulate the experience.

Yes, before you can say, "I asked for no pickles" your child will be engrossed in the exciting world of moving slowly and doing things incorrectly. Seriously, what's the idea here? To convince a generation that this job is an awesome, wondrous way to spend your formative years? Nice try there, McDonald's, but you already play a crucial role in our workforce: scaring teenagers into getting a degree.

GED application

Tube of Clearasil

Permanent spray-on stale grease odor

The fantastic thing about this airport security screener toy is the way in which it carefully combines the tendency to suspect everyone around you of being evil with the passive quality of sitting on your ass and watching a screen. It's what has made the show 24 so popular.

The most enduring lesson provided by this patriotic toy is that everyone is a suspect and we need to keep our country safe. Or maybe the lesson is just that a life spent looking at X-rays of other people's Bermuda shorts and travel-sized dildos is not a life wasted.

Body search wand

Rubber gloves

"These Colors Don't Run" temporary tattoos

This toy Mercedes-Benz garbage truck is a fun mixture of childish fantasy and merciless reality. On one hand it makes it realistic for every child to believe they will grow up and ride around town in a Mercedes. On the other, it eschews plush leather interiors and supermodel passengers in favor of diesel power, the putrid stench of other people's refuse and a life riddled with maggots and biohazards.

The real value of this toy is the fact that it shirks all childlike, cartoonish qualities in favor of stark realism. There isn't any cute face on this truck. It doesn't make fun driving noises or play music. It just loads garbage.

Because that's life, little Timmy. It's full of rancid diapers, used condoms and rotting meat scraps that just pile up and up, leaving a film on you that feels like it's still there no matter how much you scrub.

Work gloves

Antibacterial soap

Fly swatter

Remember in middle school, when gym class was spent watching the dodge ball teams pick all the cool kids ahead of you? And then they skipped you again and picked the nerd kids? And they even took the kid who had fits and shat himself, while you continued to stand there, alone, in silence?

In those dark days the one thing you could rely on to boost your spirits was the janitor. At least you didn't wear a grease stained shirt with your name on it. At least you didn't smell like gritty pink hand soap and mop up the bodily fluids of children all day. At least you didn't get called into the gym every 14 minutes because another little pisser got a basketball stuck in the rafters.

Some kids will never be so lucky. This "cleaning trolley" is clearly a toy janitor cart that tells your child right from their toddler days that they should seriously lower their expectations.

As a subtle bit of foreshadowing, the Toys "R" Us website even misspells the word vacuum in the name of the toy, as if to say, "Hey, you don't really need to worry about spelling--or math or science for that matter. The only real value you have in a classroom is when a kid pukes and you and your bucket of sawdust come to save the day."

Gigantic metal ring w/ 45 keys

Whiskey hidden in a Fresca can

An empty lunch table on which to sit alone weeping

Spending your life engulfed in giant horse turds is a lowly existence--and it would likely take years to come to terms with the fact that your life had somehow lead you to that as a means of subsistence. So naturally the idea behind this stable cleaning playset is to get your little ones acquainted with handling dung from the time they develop the necessary fine motor skills.

To really see the extent of this toy's dysfunction, you have to take a look at how Breyer describes it on their own website:

Boxed set includes broom, shovel, pitchfork, muck bucket, and wheelbarrow. Also includes imitation manure

That's right. Imitation manure. Fake pieces of horse shit for your child's carefree playing enjoyment. There's something to be said for the emotional turmoil of a parents who hates their child enough to want them to play with crap but loves their carpet so much the don't want it stained.

Denim overalls outfit (no undershirt)

Dueling Banjos instructional VCR tape

An attractive cousin