9 Toys That Prepare Children for a Life of Menial Labor
If you want to know how bad the economy is, look no further than your nearest toy store. Where kids used to dream of becoming astronauts or war heroes, the toy industry is now working hard to massively lower their expectations for the future.
These very real toys seem to exist only to let your kid know they're going to be wrist deep in shit for a long, long time, so get used to it now when it's colorful and made of plastic.
#9.
McDonald's Drive-Thru Food Cart
A whole lot of you reading this worked at a McDonald's at some point in your life, and most of you likely consider that the lowest point of your existence. There are guys who have shrugged off long prison sentences who shudder when they remember their long shifts at the Mickey D's french fry station. So of course they made a toy to simulate the experience.
Yes, before you can say, "I asked for no pickles" your child will be engrossed in the exciting world of moving slowly and doing things incorrectly. Seriously, what's the idea here? To convince a generation that this job is an awesome, wondrous way to spend your formative years? Nice try there, McDonald's, but you already play a crucial role in our workforce: scaring teenagers into getting a degree.
Accessories That Should Be Sold Separately:GED application
Tube of Clearasil
Permanent spray-on stale grease odor
#8.
Scan-It Operation Checkpoint Toy X-Ray
The fantastic thing about this airport security screener toy is the way in which it carefully combines the tendency to suspect everyone around you of being evil with the passive quality of sitting on your ass and watching a screen. It's what has made the show 24 so popular.
The most enduring lesson provided by this patriotic toy is that everyone is a suspect and we need to keep our country safe. Or maybe the lesson is just that a life spent looking at X-rays of other people's Bermuda shorts and travel-sized dildos is not a life wasted.
Accessories That Should Be Sold Separately:Body search wand
Rubber gloves
"These Colors Don't Run" temporary tattoos
#7.
Bruder Mercedes-Benz Garbage Truck
This toy Mercedes-Benz garbage truck is a fun mixture of childish fantasy and merciless reality. On one hand it makes it realistic for every child to believe they will grow up and ride around town in a Mercedes. On the other, it eschews plush leather interiors and supermodel passengers in favor of diesel power, the putrid stench of other people's refuse and a life riddled with maggots and biohazards.
The real value of this toy is the fact that it shirks all childlike, cartoonish qualities in favor of stark realism. There isn't any cute face on this truck. It doesn't make fun driving noises or play music. It just loads garbage.
Because that's life, little Timmy. It's full of rancid diapers, used condoms and rotting meat scraps that just pile up and up, leaving a film on you that feels like it's still there no matter how much you scrub.
Accessories That Should Be Sold Separately:Work gloves
Antibacterial soap
Fly swatter
#6.
Just Like Home My Cleaning Trolley with Vacuum (a.k.a. Janitor Cart)
Remember in middle school, when gym class was spent watching the dodge ball teams pick all the cool kids ahead of you? And then they skipped you again and picked the nerd kids? And they even took the kid who had fits and shat himself, while you continued to stand there, alone, in silence?
In those dark days the one thing you could rely on to boost your spirits was the janitor. At least you didn't wear a grease stained shirt with your name on it. At least you didn't smell like gritty pink hand soap and mop up the bodily fluids of children all day. At least you didn't get called into the gym every 14 minutes because another little pisser got a basketball stuck in the rafters.
Some kids will never be so lucky. This "cleaning trolley" is clearly a toy janitor cart that tells your child right from their toddler days that they should seriously lower their expectations.
As a subtle bit of foreshadowing, the Toys "R" Us website even misspells the word vacuum in the name of the toy, as if to say, "Hey, you don't really need to worry about spelling--or math or science for that matter. The only real value you have in a classroom is when a kid pukes and you and your bucket of sawdust come to save the day."
Accessories That Should Be Sold Separately:Gigantic metal ring w/ 45 keys
Whiskey hidden in a Fresca can
An empty lunch table on which to sit alone weeping
#5.
Breyer Stable Cleaning Set
Spending your life engulfed in giant horse turds is a lowly existence--and it would likely take years to come to terms with the fact that your life had somehow lead you to that as a means of subsistence. So naturally the idea behind this stable cleaning playset is to get your little ones acquainted with handling dung from the time they develop the necessary fine motor skills.
To really see the extent of this toy's dysfunction, you have to take a look at how Breyer describes it on their own website:
Boxed set includes broom, shovel, pitchfork, muck bucket, and wheelbarrow. Also includes imitation manure
That's right. Imitation manure. Fake pieces of horse shit for your child's carefree playing enjoyment. There's something to be said for the emotional turmoil of a parents who hates their child enough to want them to play with crap but loves their carpet so much the don't want it stained.
Accessories That Should Be Sold Separately:Denim overalls outfit (no undershirt)
Dueling Banjos instructional VCR tape
An attractive cousin
Postal worker joke made me pee my pants with laughter. xD
Replyso instead we should be educating kids how they are so much better than all the "poor people" who perform these jobs and should probably get them a toy yacht to play with and dolls that don't wear anything more bohemian than Polo.
ReplyThere's this thing called "humor".
I cannot express to you how much my daughter loves that mcdonald's toy. She plays with it every day.
Replywell, this saddens me to say it, but in 20 years she may wind up needing a college degree to flip those burgers.
I used to love all these toys when I was a kid! The thing about kids is they love to do "grown up things," and while most toddlers don't get a lot of interaction with astronauts, they see the cashiers, postal workers, janitors (and their parents cleaning too) on a regular basis. They just like emulating all the adults in their lives. And the tattoo kit is just fun cause any kid loves being able to draw on anything besides paper and get away with it.
ReplyThat tattoo kit actually looks like a lot of fun. I'd get one for my own kids, if I had any. Also, my brother is a professional cleaner, complete with a trolly just like that toy one. It may be menial, but there is some serious cash there, if you're good and people know it.
ReplyWoah! Tattoo artist is "menial labour"? I would love to ink my designs on people for a living! I guess people will be saying that about all these jobs though. 'Cept the McDonalds one. That's pure shit.
ReplyI wanted a garbage truck too when I was a kid. Those giant trucks making loud noises and flashing beacon light always amazed me as a kid.
ReplyThe article said it didn't do anything special. No driving noises or anything.
that s**t scared me as a little kid.
#1 seems awesome! also the "my first meth lab" joke was uncalled for. Maybe it should come with a toy switchblade instead
ReplyWOW Cracked, I'm so proud of you!!! You did an entire number on full-service gas stations without making ONE Jersey joke!!! Oh, how I've waited for this day!!!
ReplyOh, you didn't know we have full-service gas stations here? Insert joke now.
stfu
#5 really isn't like that. The thing with being a small girl and obsessed with horses is that every aspect of being around horses is in some ways appealing, and if you like realism, then you need to be able to clean stables. Think like this: if you go to horse camp, you're going to spend a lot of time cleaning stalls, because the counselors don't want to do it. So your experience with horses, while you're still young enough to play with plastic playsets, is going to include a lot of cleaning, and that's what you're going to represent.
ReplyI was going to say something similar. As a 11/12 year old I gladly mucked stables as much as I was told in exchange for just being able to ride a horse for a few hours a day (no money involved) and I had been riding horses long before that, it just wasn't til I was that age that they thought I could do the work. Also I never complained because I got to be around horses all damn day. I would sweat my ass off some days and freeze on the others and still LOVE THE f**k out of it. When you are dedicated to an animal, taking care of them becomes a pleasure, no matter how gross the cleaning (seems) to be.
#7.. There was a kid in my class in HS that honestly wanted to be a garbage man after he graduated. Our entire class knew it and he was proud to exclaim it. After graduation, he did get a position with waste management, but unfortunately his dream job became no more when he hopped off the truck before it came to a complete stop, fell, and fractured a vertebrate in his back. Never again will he be able to sling bags of other peoples' s**t into the back of a shit-filled dump truck for hours on end every day. (We were actually good friends in HS and kept in contact over the years... he hit a depression so bad after that fall that he put himself into hospital care because he was afraid he'd hurt himself. This man was, and still is, passionate about his chosen career.)
Replythat is sad on SO many levels
Does the kid giving the tattoo really have a mullet? Nice realism!
ReplyI loved pretending to be all these things as kids! The local children's museum had a post office exhibit and I thought it was the best thing since internet porn. If only I'd realized how much these kinds of jobs actually suck as an adult.
ReplyMy husband and I both work as petrol station attendants and it's actually pretty good. We both work around 20 hours a week, and together we earn about $1000 a week. We are not a full service station, so we don't do tires or oil (mainly because if we screw it up we risk damaging people's cars), but we do fill cars as long as there is no one in the shop (we usually work solo shifts). Most of the work day is actually cleaning and restocking the shop so we are not completely useless :0P Aside from the occasional crazy, most of our customers are great people and it can be a lot of fun :0)
ReplyAlso once we finish up our 5 hour shift that's it for the day, we don't have projects or work hanging over our heads, we can just get on with enjoying our lives.
All that said we are Australian, so depending on minimum wage issues I'm guessing not everyone working in petrol stations has it as good as we do, which is a real shame since it can be a great job.
A thousand a week for 40 hours combined? I wonder how much your rent is, just for an idea about the cost of living there.
Oh man all of those were pretty funny/sad except for the Breyers stable cleaner. That one isn't so bad if you own the stable or your parents do. Also, horse dung is not all that bad, I guess to a city boy it would be. And working on a ranch makes you a man.
Reply....I always liked the McDonalds cart...
ReplyTHe Breyers thing is just trying to make it realistic. Work with horses, clean up crap.
ReplyI used to be obsessed with collecting Breyer horses when I was little. Breyer always did have every accessory to owning a real horse imaginable, from the basic stuff like saddles, blankets, and harnesses to smaller things like leg wraps and fly masks.
ReplyIt's always an awkward conversation with old classmates of ten years ago who have had kids, are married and/or in successful careers when they ask me what I do, I smile brightly and announce enthusiastically that "I WORK AT A GAS STATION! AND I'M AN ALCOHOLIC!". it's usually followed by awkward chuckle and a mumbled "i gotta go..". cheers!
ReplyI think I love you haha I have that conversation allll the time.
School janitors actually make a fairly good living, they are also the runs who keep the school heating and cooling systems running and everything else.
Reply