We would like to think that the men and women who administer justice are more intelligent, rational, calm and responsible than the rest of us. We would be wrong. Judges are human beings, too, and when they get bored or angry, they become lunatics just like everyone else.
Unfortunately for them, but fortunately for us, their day of not giving a fuck at work is recorded forever in the public record.
Party On Plaintiff, Party On Defendant
Two things happened in 1992 that lead to this most excellent of judicial opinions -- a boat exploded in a marina in Florida, setting other boats on fire, and Wayne's World came out in theaters.
Resulting Wayne and Garth impersonations caused the national murder rate to triple.
The presiding and awesomely named Judge Paine was apparently a big fan, as his remand of this appeal was full of more Mike Myers catch phrases than a middle school talent show. His short opinion was separated into four paragraphs with the following titles:
- "Hurling Chunks"
- "Like a Winged Monkey Flying Out of the Ashes"
- "A Schwing and a Miss"
Surely you're thinking to yourself "No way!"
His enthusiastic disregard for professional legal conduct aside, Judge Paine's implementation of the dialogue is just plain baffling ("like a winged monkey flying out of the ashes" does not appear once in Wayne's World and seems more like something a hobo would say before playing a harmonica with his asshole). His ultimate ruling against the appeal of Prime Time Charters Inc. (owners of the exploding boat) concludes with the following:
"Prime Time's removal ... is a defect deemed "way" improvident ... Prime Time's most bogus attempt at removal is "not worthy" and the Defendants must "party on" in state court."
*Sigh* Go ahead, you deserve it.