Cracked Archive - News
Today's news is like a less plausible version of the wacky fake headlines from 1980s movies set in the future.
The news is like 'The Walking Dead,' only without that show's sense of naive optimism.
The news is like an alarm that sounds 24 hours a day, alternately screaming that you're going to die and that you need to ask your doctor about erectile dysfunction pills.
Trying to keep up with the news is like trying to binge-watch every movie in the 'Gory Psychological Horror' and 'Violent Political Drama' categories on Netflix.
Trying to keep up with the news is like trying to clean up post-blizzard snow drifts by pissing on them.
World events are like a game of chess, only there are billions of pieces, no rules, and the board is perched precariously over a landmine.
Staying current with the news is like trying to put tiny tuxedos on a swarm of angry hornets.
Trying to keep up with the news is like trying to dry out a flooded basement with a sponge.
Watching the news, it's clear that the real world is a lot like the 'Star Wars' universe, in the sense that there are lots of people getting limbs hacked off by religious extremists.
As far as most news outlets are concerned, anyone below the poverty line is fair game as a source of national amusement and mockery.
- By Amanda Mannen
Watching the news can leave you with the impression that the world is secretly run by YouTube commenters.
A quick look at the news should make you thankful that you're not currently running and screaming from some disaster or another.
The news can seem like a crossover between the 'Saw' franchise and 'Groundhog Day.'
Look, folks, portraying the youth of today as Archie and Jughead hopped up on The Weeknd and emojis isn't going to make the world a less stupid place.
- By Michael Hossey