Cracked Archive - News
We can't promise that any of these fascinating facts will save your life -- or, for that matter, be of any practical use whatsoever.
Keeping up with the news is like shopping at a big box store. It's busy, it's confusing, and there's just so much of everything.
The news is like the endless, vaguely terrifying disclaimers at the end of a prescription drug commercial.
The weekly news cycle is like a giant box of Conversation Hearts -- some of it makes sense, but the rest is indecipherable garbage.
The people who concocted this theory should be ashamed for wasting a perfectly good name like 'Pizzagate.'
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This week we rolled out our weekly news feature like the good SuperBowl ads -- a few at a time, spread out over time.
The weekly news cycle is like a Shia LaBeouf performance piece.
The causes of our terrible health care system are pretty obvious, but for some reason, nobody has figured out how to make them go away.
- By Jim Avery
No reasonable person can stay sane keeping up with every headline, which is why we're doing it for you.
Keeping up with the news is like trying to build pyramids out of sand.
Keeping up with the news is like trying to decipher a 'Westworld' timeline.
We're about to have the Legion Of Doom running this country. And we aren't talking about the awesomely spiked tag team of wrestling fame.
- By Nimby Smith
We're not sure how to tell you this, but while you were off having a holiday, the news kept happening. And happening.
It's our responsibility as Americans to delve into the details of his absurd anti-immigration strategy and expose the utter nonsense of it all.
- By Justin Crockett
Keeping up with the news is like going to the mall on December 20. It's frantic, you can never find what you're looking for, and there's always someone screaming.