Cracked Archive - News
Keeping up with meaningful news stories is like trying to find an M&M in a Skittles factory.
- By T. S. Obiech, Scott Laffey
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- March 02, 2017
If you want to stay sane over the next four years, stop feeding an outrage addiction that puts money in the pockets of reckless carnival barkers.
- By Jason Pargin
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- March 01, 2017
Bill Maher is almost as big a piece of garbage as Milo is.
- By Robert Evans
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- February 27, 2017
Arguments against the policy are more easily debunked than the myth that sewer gators can bite your buttocks off mid-poop.
- By Ian Fortey
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- February 25, 2017
We can't promise that any of these fascinating facts will save your life -- or, for that matter, be of any practical use whatsoever.
- By CRACKED Writing Staff, Andres Diplotti
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- February 24, 2017
Curse Milo's sudden but inevitable betrayal of conservative values! If only we could've seen it coming...
- By Robert Brockway
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- February 23, 2017
Keeping up with the news is like shopping at a big box store. It's busy, it's confusing, and there's just so much of everything.
- By T. S. Obiech, Scott Laffey
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- February 23, 2017
Grab a beer, you pitchfork-shining renegade.
- By David Christopher Bell
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- February 21, 2017
It's pretty hard to read these stories and wonder how anyone involved didn't see the end result coming a mile away.
- By Pauli Poisuo
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- February 20, 2017
Our writers couldn't agree on how to best tackle this issue, so we had them tackle each other -- figuratively, as our 'Blood Arena' was banned by HR.
- By Daniel Dockery, Aaron Kheifets
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- February 18, 2017
What I'm about to say may sound like an attack, but please believe me when I say that I'm speaking to you from a place of love.
- By Ian Fortey
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- February 16, 2017
The news is like the endless, vaguely terrifying disclaimers at the end of a prescription drug commercial.
- By T. S. Obiech, Scott Laffey
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- February 16, 2017
The weekly news cycle is like a giant box of Conversation Hearts -- some of it makes sense, but the rest is indecipherable garbage.
- By T. S. Obiech, Scott Laffey
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- February 14, 2017
When the Constitution mentions 'citizens,' it is exclusive to citizens of the United States, but when it starts using the word 'person,' it's referring to everybody.
- By J.F. Sargent
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- February 12, 2017
Shoving the plot points of a movie into news history not only ends up discrediting a piece of creative work, but it also distances us from the threat that is Trump.
- By Nathan Rabin
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- February 12, 2017
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