From a global pandemic, to murder hornets, to a contentious presidential election, to the implosion of our nation's postal service, 2020 has been an, um, very unique time to be alive. As Spooky Season reaches its peak, there is one way to commemorate the absolute absurdity of it all -- reducing the seemingly endless barrage of the past year's problems into sexy costumes to wear at your socially-distanced Halloween party. Now, reader, as an avid internet shopper who revels in finding the most absurd "sexy" Halloween getups each year, I've done the dirty work for you, ranking the most ridiculous and seductive costumes the internet has to offer, all inspired by the absolute dumpster fire of the past 365 days.
1. Sexy Mail-In Ballot
Although this costume is both uh, a bit on the nose for this year, while somehow also looking like a late 2010's homecoming dress, I fully support the symbolism of this outfit -- participating in democracy is always a sexy choice. If you want to look hot this year, why not use your fit for good, reminding your friends and family to cast their ballots. If Kylie Jenner can do it, so can we. For something as important as voting, it's definitely worth a shot. 10/10 would wear. Also, if you're reading this, please vote.
2. Sexy Postal Worker
Because nothing shows your support for the heroes of our time, mail carriers, like donning a sexy version of their work uniform. I'm sure Newman would approve.
3. Sexy Hand Sanitizer
Did your local Target run out of hand sanitizer back in March? Do you like promoting good hand-cleaning hygiene amid a global pandemic? Do you like clear skirts that will inevitably fog up as you grow sweaty dancing the night away at your Zoom Halloween party? Well, reader, I'm excited to say I've found the costume for you. This pale-blue, Yandy-branded hand-sani costume (say that three times fast) is the look for you. I also want to take a moment to acknowledge the model in this listing doing the the impossible -- making a hand sanitizer costume with a plastic skirt actually look wearable, and dare I say it, even kinda cute. Whoever you are, you deserve a raise -- Chanel, Dior, I've found your next it girl.
4. Sexy Mop
In the absolute mess of this past year, there was one ray of light amid the darkness -- the release of Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion's iconic bangerWAP back in August. Despite Ben Shapiro's, relatively obtuse reaction to the song, WAP is actually an important feminist moment in our musical lexicon, with Complex even dubbing the single "the epitome of female empowerment." Although a men's costume, this is actually a pretty cool option for folks who want to celebrate their sexuality Cardi and Megan style -- opting for a comfy pair of pants rather than a fierce, skin-tight leotard.
5. Sexy Joe Exotic
Anyone who watched Tiger King could tell you this "sexy" costume is actually more like a buttoned-up casual Friday look for our favorite Zoo operator. Come on 3Wishes, step your game up.
6. Sexy Murder Hornets
Not only did 2020's biggest insect-related plot-twist re-emerge last week in all of its murder hornet glory, they've now been immortalized in sexy Halloween costume form. I'll bee honest, this is the only the second outfit here that I would actually wear, it's black and gold stripes, low cut front panels, and geometric qualities lending themselves to a festive and flattering spooky season look. Yet as a massive fan of bees, as you know, I like flowers and produce, it just seems like it would sting a little too much. Next!
7. "Sexy" Pence Wig
Although not advertised as a sexy costume, the Debate Fly Wig made this list due to its sheer absurdity and time sensitivity. The night after the fly took over our TV screens (which it should be noted is entirely unrelated to Jeff Goldblum, as far as we know) the geniuses behind the Sexy Joe Exotic offering listed above, had a fly wig available almost immediately. "MAKE YOUR HEAD GREAT AGAIN," the company tweeted the following day, accompanying the, um, questionably worded listing with a heart emoji, a cricket emoji, and the tags of 10 news organizations, four of which of were various CNN accounts. Although tempting to jump on the latest trends, come on, this is so October 7th. Get with the times, folks.
8. Sexy Police Officer
Once a Halloween staple, the sexy cop costume is a classic look best left in the past. In a year stained by particularly horrific instances of police brutality, including the deaths of Breonna Taylor and George Floyd as well as violence against the protesters speaking out against their wrongful killings and systemic racism as a whole, this costume is tone-deaf and blatantly offensive. Save your $50 bucks do something else, literally, anything else -- the Mean Girls formula of animal ears and lingerie, a ghost made from an old bedsheet, or hell, one of those tacky "this is my costume" t-shirts that were really popular like ten years ago. Just don't do this.
Moral of the story? As long as your getup doesn't hurt others or is painfully insensitive, wear what makes you feel happy, and even sexy, if you so choose, this holiday. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be changing into my Taco Belle Delphine costume, complete with a melted Baja Blast and the world's biggest fake eyelashes. Happy Halloween, Friends!